Holding On to the Gutter
by NonsenseScribbler
Summary: Hinamori Amu; depressed teenager. Tsukiyomi Ikuto; son of Tsukiyomi Aruto - Hinamori Amu's new psychologist. "I hope we get along, Tsukiyomi-san. Please don't hesitate to ask me anything." I try to smile. "I like your hair," he says. "It's pink."
1. Chapter 1

**Please enjoy, and review. Tell me what you think of it. **

**Hinamori Amu**

**Age: 14**

**Sophomore**

"Be more careful next time! " The old lady behind the cashier called out to me.

Ms. Nagasaki was looking at me with her eyes in slits. She had been working here since her teen years, from what I heard, she never left. I picked up the can of tuna I had dropped not more than a few seconds ago. I had made the mistake of thinking about nothing. I should've occupied myself with at least _something_. Anything better than this,

_You know, you really have to get that social action paper done._

Maybe, when I get home.

_No 'maybe's. _

I'm trying. At least I think I am.

_Do what you want; this is all going to bite you back in the ass._

I don't respond anymore. I ignored the voice instead – which was rare. I'm surprised the voice is keeping quiet right now. I wonder where it went…

"I'm sorry." I apologized and gave a timid smile. I put the can in my basket and opted for 7 more along with some ingredients for dinner tonight. Shinigami-chan was still pretty hungry when I left and I doubt that he would appreciate me taking my time at the store. I hurried and payed for my purchases, minding the time.

3:42 in the afternoon.

I carried them in a plastic bag in one hand as I slung my bag over my shoulder, making my way up the road to my apartment. It was sort of like a hill, you know, like some kind of slope where kids do the luge on a skateboard or do 'look, no hands 'on a bike that might soon become 'look, no head 'if they're not careful or fast enough.

I was at the entrance of my said residence as I answered my cell phone, "Rima."

"Ne, Amu. Don't forget the paper's due tomorrow."

"The paper…?" What could she be possibly talking about…"Ah, the reaction paper about Hamlet, was it?"

"Yep," She confirmed. I was at my door now; it only took me one flight of stairs to get to my room. "How're you by the way? Are you doing any better today?"

Now, Rima was never the one to show any emotion, she was like a rock. Maybe she _is_ a rock. So I was kind of surprised that her tone of voice was a rather worried one despite her lack of ability to even show facial expression. I could imagine her sitting at the foot of her lilac bed sheets on her bed- prim and proper like a princess-with a poker face.

"I guess."

"I see…well, ja ne. I'll see you tomorrow." Ah, this kind of conversation doesn't really last long, knowing it's with Rima.

"Mhmm." I mumbled as I pressed the 'end call' button. I unlocked my door and went inside. I shut my flip phone as I felt my back slide down the front door. I rolled my left sleeve up, revealing the scars. I ran my fingers along them and shuddered as I made contact with one of the recent ones.

"Nya."

"Gomen, Shinigami-chan, I took my time." The black cat purred against me as a way of saying that it was okay. I got up and made my way to the kitchen and looked for the can opener. After attending to my cat's needs, I made my way to my bathroom and stripped from my clothes.

I was in front of the full body mirror now. I stared at my wrists then my eyes traveled down to my thighs. Rima always wondered why I stopped wearing skirts all of the sudden. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. Things are better this way.

_You really think so?_

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

_Okay, whatever._

There go the voices again. I was wondering where they had gone. You see, these voices are like, pipsqueaks. You know, those tiny insect like humans with the wings, hence insects.

_You mean pixies?_

Yes, thank you.

_Are you hungry?_

Quite.

_Then eat._

I ignore the order and head to the tub. Filling it up with warm water, I sat on the counter as I looked down and stared at the few scars on my thigh. Some are starting to fade away; maybe I can wear a skirt tomorrow.

What am I doing with my life?

_Destroying it, obviously._

I wish the voices hadn't come back. After much more staring and thinking about how much bullshit I've been through, I decided to finally slip into the tub. I let my muscles relax to the warm temperature of the water. I sank in a little bit lower.

_Maybe you should drown yourself._

Indeed, maybe.

_Just saying, you know._

By now you would think, 'what the fuck is wrong with this crazy bitch of a heroine?'

Depression. Yes, as much of a pussy I may sound, I was depressed. I _still _am. So therefore, I _am _depressed.

Reasons?

Well, I don't have anything like 'my parents died in a fire and I saw them burn right in front of my very eyes' or 'I was raped and it makes me feel disgusting so I hurt myself instead to make up for it' or even the 'okay I just want attention and I'm kind of a psycho masochist'. Depression is not rare, really. Especially among people my age. Why was I depressed? Oh, you know, the usual; pressure, stress, school.

_School? Such a pussy you are. You should be ashamed. Some people have bigger problems than you do. _

And I inherited such cells from my mother. I think. She gets anxiety attacks almost all the time, so they moved to a more peaceful place over there in the west, a quiet little neighborhood in Brooklyn, if I recall correctly. My parents actually know I'm like this. Not just the cutting part. You know, cutting myself. They send me my meds monthly. Prozac. I keep it in this small orange bottle with a white cap that I topped with a Hello Kitty sticker.

"I feel so alone," I say to myself as I ignore the voice once again. Voice? Voices? Well, sometimes, there's just one voice speaking to me. But sometimes when I feel really messed up, there'r like four voices speaking to me in unison. It's kinda irritating. They sound so nasally together.

I guess I was just lonely. The lonely teenager with her cat next door. Where are her parents?

_Living the good life._

I wonder what it's like there, in America.

_Obviously, better than this hellhole of a place you reside in._

Okay, that's enough. I get out of the tub and dry myself and put my clothes on. It's going to be a long night; dinner, homework, and the rounds. Rounds? The voices do rounds in my head, you know, like doctors. When they talk about how my life is going to be like having to study hard next year for college entrance exams and stuff like that. Like, why can't I do better this year? Why are all my friends so perfect? Why didn't I go with my family abroad? Why can't I be normal?

I call them rounds.

**The next day at school**

Sapphire eyes meet my gold ones as the new kid is being introduced.

"Tsukiyomi Ikuto." He bows gently. "It's nice to meet you all." Girls swoon immediately.

Nikkaidou-sensei mumbles on about something else and tells Ikuto to take the seat in front of me. I sat at the back of the class by the windows. So he was by the windows now, too. I snap out of it and greeted him, "I hope we get along, Tsukiyomi-san. Please don't hesitate to ask me anything." I try to smile.

"I like your hair," he says. "It's pink."

_What the fuck?_

'What the fuck?' I thought back to the voices.


	2. Chapter 2

**No need to hear my petty excuses regarding my mistakes in the previous chapter. I apologize deeply. **

**Here is chapter 2**

**Amu**

'What the fuck?' I thought back to the voices.

"What's your name, pinky? Isn't it rude not to introduce yourself to your new seatmate?" Everyone was staring at us now. "Um," I manage to spit out. It was rather hard to talk under the presence of someone as gorgeous as he was. He seemed flawless with his clear tan skin and indigo colored hair.

_Get it together, Hinamori._ The voice commands. This voice, I don't hear often. This was the serious voice. Bad things happen when I don't listen to this voice.

Yes, sir. I answer back obediently.

"Sorry, I'm Hinamori Amu. " I smile. His facial expression doesn't change as he nods at me, contented, as he takes the seat in front of me. His hair looks really soft; I wonder what it would feel like to touch it. I noticed my hand reaching out to the back of his head and pull it back immediately. It was like this sometimes, suddenly realizing that a part of me was already moving. It was kinda weird, you know, kinda uncontrollable.

He turns his face toward me and says, "I really think your hair is cool. I think it's my first time ever really seeing someone with pink hair. Plus, it makes your eyes pop. You have pretty eyes by the way-"

"Tsukiyomi-san," Nikkaidou-sensei interrupts. "I'm sure Hinamori-san is flattered by your sweet nothings, but please do pay attention when I am talking. We're having our field trip a week from now; we're going to a strawberry farm." He finishes for the rest of the class.

"That's for kids!"

"I haven't been there in forever!"

"Be my partner, Ikuto-koi!" What the fuck, I think again. I seem to think that a lot these days.

Sensei tames the class with, "Now, now. Everyone is free to choose who their partner will be. Seeing as Tsukiyomi-san has just transferred, he still has no friends-"

"I'm friends with pinky over here, sensei." Tsukiyomi interrupts as he looks over to me with a smirk. I blush immediately.

_Ne, Amu's blushing._

Shut up.

"Well, we still have a week," sensei starts. "You can make more friends, Tsukiyomi-san, I'm sure." He starts talking about something else as I gaze outside the window but Tsukiyomi still wouldn't shut up, "Let's be partners for the fieldtrip, Amu-chan." Ah, already with such familiarity.

"If you're not gonna call me by my last name then you might as well drop the honorifics. 'Amu' is fine."

"Then you can call me Ikuto-koi." He smirks again and I blush almost immediately.

"S-stop it, Tsukiyomi!"

He only chuckles and turns back to pay attention to sensei.

**12 noon**

Morning classes were finished rather fast and it was lunch time now. Rima was in the classroom next to mine and we don't really eat lunch together out on the courtyard like normal 'best friends' would. She was comfortable enough in her own seat in her own classroom with her own boyfriend, without her own best friend. Nothing else really matters that much to Rima, as long as she was with Fujisaki Nagihiko.

He and I aren't really besties or enemies. We're more like buddies, you know, in the middle. I sigh and take out the bento I prepared for myself earlier in the day then I notice Tsukiyomi standing up. He must be heading towards the cafeteria or something. I proceed to open my lunch and let the smell of last night's curry fill my nose. I was about to take a bite when a screeching sound made its way to my ears.

Tsukiyomi was facing me now, his hands folded on his desk which was now facing mine, "Yo, Amu. What's for lunch." He scoots closer and closes the distance between our desks.

I don't wanna be a bad person not sharing my lunch and all, really, I don't. But I don't want to share it with Tsukiyomi either. I narrow my eyes at him. "Aww, you still upset about me teasing you earlier? Get over it, Pinky."

Get over it.

_That's right Amu, why can't you just get over it. Like everything else. Like how much your life sucks. Just get over it you pathetic excuse for a-_

"Human," I mutter.

"What?"

"Nothing, I'm having left over curry for lunch," I explain. "Y-you want some?"

"Nah, I have my own packed." He declines as he brings out a plain blue bento box. He opens it to reveal vegetables and fish. "This was from last night's dinner, too. Okaa-san's cooking is the best even if it's just left overs. Does your mom have ass-kicking skills in the kitchen, too?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Your curry looks delicious." He gazes at it.

"I live alone, so I cook for myself. Here, you can have some." I push my bento towards him.

"What's a pretty girl like you doing; living all alone?" His forehead creases and his eyebrows slant down a bit. He takes a bite of the meat he picked out. "This is really good."

"Um, living. Thanks, by the way."

_How ironic, Amu. _

"Are you happy?" I was taken aback by his question.

"I wouldn't say I was the happiest camper-" I start but then he cuts me short.

"Then you're just breathing. You're not living if you're not entirely happy."

_Really, really, really ironic. Breathing? You wanted to stop doing that. For the past year. And you still want that until now but you just-_

"Whatever, Tsukiyomi."

He chuckles and we eat in comfortable silence until, "Tsukiyomi-saaaaaaaan~" Green eyes meet mine as Yamabuki Saaya smirks at me. Oh great, here we go; the cliché school slut and the new male transfer student. I pray to Kami-sama that Tsukiyomi wouldn't get blinded by the red curls and green orbs. And double d's.

She then turns to Tsukiyomi with a sweet smile. A fake one, I assure you. He ignores her as he gets another piece of meat from my curry and pops it in his mouth. Saaya's eyes get wide at this but she shrugged it off with a "tch".

"Tsukiyomi-saaaaaaaan~" She tries again. Ikuto ignores her once again. This was getting really irritating, her voice sounded like Tsukiyomi's desk when he was moving it. Screeching.

She huffs and pouts. "Mou, Tsukiyomi-san! I just wanted to ask if you wanted to be my partner for the field trip!"

He looks up to her with a bored expression, "Go ahead and ask me."

Her eyes light up. "Do you want to-"

"No."

"That's not fair I wasn't even done with-"

"Lunch was fun, Amu. Thanks for the curry." He smiles at me.

"Um, sure, I guess." I tell him as he turns his desk so it was back to facing the blackboard now. Saaya, not knowing what to do as usual, stomps back to her desk and her minions start to surround her as she whines about her encounter with my new seatmate.

I look down at my bento- Wait, where did all my meat go?

I hear a chuckle and lift my head up to see the culprit but Tsukiyomi was already on his way out the door. "Give me back my meat, you asshole!" Cue Sensei entering to retrieve his lesson plan folder to bring back to the faculty to discuss over lunch.

"Hinamori, language!"

"Ah, shit! Sorry sensei- Ah, shit I said it again!" I cover my mouth this time. Ugh.

"Detention." He declares as he walks out the classroom.

"Damnit, Tsukiyomi." I mutter under my breath.

**5:00 pm, After detention**

"Ugh, Shinigami-chan's probably going to scratch the life out of me." I say to myself as I walk along the empty walk way of the school.

_You would like that._ The voices were kinda active today. They usually just kept quiet when I was in school. Because nothing really ever happens to me in school. Except the occasional rounds when I space out in class. The rounds can happen to me anywhere, actually. Like what happened the other day at the grocery. I would space out, thinking about nothing, then thoughts about college and jobs and life stability would attack me out of the blue. Especially thoughts about being lonely.

"Who?"

"Aah!" I panic. I turn around to see Tsukiyomi towering over me. He sure was tall. "Don't scare me like that, you douche!"

"Sorry, sorry. Your facial expression was too funny!" He laughs out loud. How can he laugh and smile like that all the time so easily? He must have the perfect life.

"So where're you going, A-muuu?"

"Home," I say.

"Cool, I get to see your house."

"Who says, Tsukiyomi?"

"Me, duh."

I guess having him over wouldn't hurt..

_Be careful, Hinamori. _

Sir, yes Sir.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**At Amu's Apartment**

"Whoa," Tsukiyomi let out as I unlocked and opened the front door. "Nice place you got. Thought you lived in a house though. Thought we could've played family or something."

"Well, it's not much since only Shinigami-chan and I live here." I said, ignoring his last comment. "Why're you even here, Tsukiyomi? Don't you have your own home?" I narrow my eyes at him. Despite saying that, it actually feels nice to have someone over other than Rima. A boy at that, too.

"I do, I just don't want to be there right now….You never did tell me why you're living here all alone with Chimigami-chan."

"It's Shinigami-chan," I emphasize the 'shini'. "My parents have to stay abroad for…reasons."

"That sucks."

"Not really…I'm kind of used to it, you know. It's been almost two years already."

"Ah-" His phone rings, cutting him short. "Hello?...Yes, Mom….. Yes. Okay, Mom….. Okay, bye."

"Well, this sucks; my mom wants me to go home now." He says, rather disappointed.

"Nya."

"Wow, Amu. I didn't know you wanted me to stay so bad that you started meowing." He muses.

"Ah, no," I tell him. "That was Shinig-"

"Nya."

Then suddenly you see this white cloud flying up to Tsukiyomi's face.

"NYA!"

"What the fu-"

"Shinigami-cha-"

"NYAAAAAAA!"

Ikuto managed to get Shinigami-chan off his face, "What is this _thing?_" Tsukiyomi sneers at the said feline as it hisses back at him.

"That thing is a cat; _my_ cat. Now, put him down please."

"Can I throw it out the window instead?"

He puts Shinigami-chan down as soon as he sees my glare. Then I notice something on his face, "Tsukiyomi."

"Hm?" He turns to me.

"Your cheek is bleeding," I tell him. "I'll go get a band-aid from my bathroom; you stay here with Shinigami-chan." I turn away from him and walk to my bathroom, he follows me.

"I don't want to be _anywhere near_ that thing, Amu."

"He's always like that when someone comes over." I assure him. I open the medicine cabinet and pull out some disinfectant and cotton. I closed the small door of the cabinet and saw Tsukiyomi staring at me from the mirror.

"What're those orange bottles for, Amu?"

I panic, "Um…"

"They for your dad or something? You know, when they visit, maybe."

"Um, yeah. For my dad." I say as I put the disinfectant on his cut. He winces before asking, "Why do you have scissors in your bathroom?"

Oh, you know, for better access. So I can cut myself whenever I want to; like maybe before taking a shower so I can feel the pain as the hot water hits the scars. But of course, I don't tell him that, "Shinigami-chan's trimming scissors."

"I hope it's for his nails," he glares. "He has sharp nails, I tell you."

"It's for his hair actually," I applied the unicorn print band-aid on his cheek gently, making sure it won't come off. "There, much better." I smile at him. "They're the only ones left ; unless you want to use my Barbie band-aids."

"You look beautiful when you smile." He says calmly.

"Y-you should probably get home now, Tsukiyomi. Coming over here was pointless." I blush as I go out the bathroom, leading him to the front door. I open it for him as Shinigami-chan hisses at Tsukiyomi when he walks past him.

"Bye, freak." He sneers at my cat. "Pointless? Aww, you're so mean, A-muuu," He feigns hurt. "This is what friends do, right?"

Before I could even react he walks out the door with a smirk and closes it after him.

_Wow, Amu. A friend. _

You talk as if I don't have any.

_You don't._

What about Ri-

_You guys hardly talk to each other. Or hang out, even._

Then a thought occurred to me; I was alone. Physically, right now, yes. But even with the 19 students I sit with in class every day, I was still alone. I was lonely.

"Nya."

"You don't count, Shinigami-chan. You're not human." I tell him as I pick him up.

"Nya."

"Oh, right. It's time for my pills-"

"Ne, Amu I forgot my-" The door swings open revealing Tsukiyomi staring at me about to take a pill from an orange bottle; I always have an extra bottle in my skirt pocket just in case.

His eyes travel down to the bottle.

Then back to me.

Tsukiyomi snaps out of it, his eyes leaving me as he makes his way to my couch and picks up his school bag. He picks it up and scurries to my door muttering a barely audible 'bye'.

"Ah, Tsukiyo-" He closes the door.

Fuck.

This was it. The person I had apparently made friends with just a moment ago saw me doing what a normal high school sophomore wouldn't be doing. Just as I was about to think that making a guy friend would be nice, he sees me taking pills from those orange bottles you usually see in psychiatric ward.

_Friends? You spoke too soon, dear. _

**The following morning**

Rolling. I just keep on rolling. It's hard not to. Especially when you're rolling through a field of marshmallows. Blue ones, pink ones, yellow ones. Big white fluffy ones. Then I realize that I was rolling on pills. All sorts of pills. Prozac, Zoloft; they were everywhere.

And then,

The floor.

"Ouch…" I grumble. I open my eyes to see my plain white ceiling and I turn my head to my left to see blinds above my bed closed so it was rather dark in my bedroom. I get up from the floor, rubbing my head from the slight pain my little stunt caused. My clock read 6:30 A.M.

Same shit, new day. I facepalm and was about to sigh until I felt my something hot under my palm. That's weird…the only thing under my palm right now was my face. I get up to go to the mirror to see if I were red or anything but vertigo hit me. So I fall down again.

"Ouch…"

_Wow, so early in the morning, Amu, and you're already hurting yourself. _

So early in the morning and I hear irritating voices in my head.

I can't miss school today..I just can't. Hmm, school…

Then, I remember; Tsukiyomi. I still have to deal with him. I'll just tell him they were medicine for my colds. But he stared at the bottle for a really long time. He must've caught the label.

_You're screwed, Amu._

I most certainly am. Well, it's time to get ready and head off to school. I put on my school uniform, took some medicine for my fever and readied myself for all the bullshit I was going to face today.

Yep, this soldier right here was ready to kick ass with a Nyan Cat scarf.

**At School**

"And that is why we must transpose 4 over to the right side, to get the right solution to this equation." Nikkaidou-sensei was already discussing algebra with us. Algebra was the second period of the day. And Tsukiyomi still wasn't here. Great, I scared him off. Who would want to sit in front of someone with the potential to go whacko.

So far, so great. Scared a "friend" off and my head felt like it was being hammered.

I was never really good at making friends. Rima and I met in middle school. She was new to the school so she had no friends. Aside from being new, she was a total bitch. You go up and talk to her and she acts as if you just interrupted her heated conversation with air. She would look at you in disgust and walk away. Plus, she would leave as soon as the bell rang for dismissal, even when she was on duty to erase the blackboard. Yup, she was such a badass in middle school. Just don't look at her face. Because if you do, you wouldn't believe anything I had said just now. Her personality doesn't match her appearance at all. She looked really harmless and cute. She looked like a kid. No, she looked like a doll. Especially with her waist length curly mop of blonde hair.

So I befriended her. I make it sound so easy, don't I?

"_Oi, Mashiro."I was able to stop her before she was able to exit the room. It had been a lovely easy-going day for me until I had to deal with the Ice Queen. _

"_What?" She deadpans._

"_Clean the blackboard today. You're on duty."_

"_I'll ask one of my slaves to do it." _

"_But they're not on duty, you are."_

"_Wouldn't you rather do it for me? All the other people would." I was surprised she was able to have a conversation with someone other than the teacher this long. _

"_Well…I'm not like other people." I smile at her. Lightening up the mood. Her eyes widen at this, I notice. She looked down the floor, rather disappointed. "Do you want to be friends, Mashiro-san?" She usually scares off people who approach her, asking if she wanted to be friends. _

"_You can call me Rima." Eyes still glued to the floor but a faint pink color on her cheeks. Wow, this was a first. _

"_Then, Rima, we can complete your duty today. Together." _

"_Thanks, Hinamori-san."_

"_You can call me Amu." I grin with my thumbs up. She blushes and huffs as she walks toward the blackboard, picking up the eraser. _

"Ohayo, Tsukiyomi-san. It's nice of you to finally join us." Sensei greets him as girls giggle and a few guys wake up from their daily algebra nap.

"Ohayo, Sensei. I'm sorry for being late. I had family matters to attend to." Tsukiyomi explains as he heads to sensei handing him a letter. He then makes his way to his desk which was in front of me. Crap. Why did he have to sit so near me? My algebra worksheet suddenly looked very interesting and my eyes were glued to it at once.

"Ohayo, Amu."

I force myself to put on my most normal looking face. Then I look up.

This normal looking face of mine comes face to face with sapphire eyes and the most heart melting smile I have ever seen with the cutest strawberry print band-aid on his left cheek.

Shit.


	4. Chapter 4

**I am overjoyed with the amount of reviews my story has received. Thank you very much to everyone. Although I do apologize for a rather late update. Please enjoy this short chapter; I apologize also for it being so short. **

**Chapter 4**

_Five year old Hinamori Amu was clad in a white sundress with matching stockings. Her pristine white strappy flats made no sound as she held her father's hand, walking through a corridor of white walls and tiles. A few of the nurses who they passed by called her an angel. _

_Angel? The little girl felt like a ninja. _

"_Papa," She calls. _

"_What is it dear?"_

"_Is mama going to be okay?" _

"_Of course she is, Amu." He assures her but Hinamori Tsumugu's worried eyes tell her otherwise. _

_Silence filled the air as they turned another corner. They made their way to the last door at the right side of the corridor, both anxious. _

_Tsumugu opens the door and-_

"Hinamori-san." _He stops midway._

_He pushes the door even further to reveal-_

"Hinamori-san!" Nikkaidou Yuu's voice becomes louder and louder. "Hinamori Amu-san!"

"OKAA-SAN!" I open my eyes to Tsukiyomi and the whole class staring at me. Sensei, of course, was towering over by my side. The class then erupts into laughter.

Sensei isn't pleased, "I do regret to inform you, Hinamori-san, that I am not your mother." The class laughs at this again. Except Tsukiyomi.

"Fifth period and you're still sleepy?" Sensei asks.

"No, I just-" Tsukiyomi then puts his hand to my forehead.

"I think she has a fever, sensei. Please let me take her to the clinic." He says.

"Yes, Tsukiyomi-san, you go do that. Now, can anyone else tell me how we get the hypotenuse of this right triangle?" I wasn't really excited at the thought of walking to the clinic with Tsukiyomi.

And Tsukiyomi alone.

I try my best to get up on my own from my chair. Thinking that I succeeded, vertigo hit me again. The cold floor would be nice. I wouldn't mind a bandage on my head, too. These thoughts crossed my mind as I was waiting for the hard cold floor to hit my head.

My eyes are closed as I felt myself falling-

"Oi."

I open my eyes. Tsukiyomi is carrying me.

"Oi," I say back to him. "Wait, what are you-"

"KYAAA TSUKIYOMI-SAMA IS CARRYING HINAMORI-SAN!"

"Damnit! I wanna do that to her, too! She's just too cute!"

"TSUKIYOMI-SAMA, NOOOOOO!"

Ignoring the violent reactions from our classmates, Tsukiyomi heads to the back door. I, however, was in his arms. 'Bridal style,' what others called it, I think.

It's time to be smart and mature about things, "I would nag and yell at you to put me down on my own two feet, but I honestly can't make it to the clinic like this. Th-thanks, Tsukiyomi." My voice almost echoed at the silence in the corridor. It wasn't until the next flight of stairs until he said,

"I would never let a friend down. Not on her own feet…not when she's dizzy as fuck."

I fail to hide my blush. And once again, Tsukiyomi Ikuto let's out his famous smirk.

A few seconds had passed and we were in front of the school clinic. "You can put me down now, Tsukiyomi, really. I can take it from here. You can go back to class. I apologize, by the way, for keeping you from class and now you missed maybe half of the-"

"Will you stop it already? Geez, Amu, you're really cute being all stubborn and all that but there are times when you should just shut the fuck up and let people take care of you."

_Oooh, burn. Look, Amu, someone's actually caring for you. Yet you're pushing him away; just like the others…like how you always do. Congratulations, you're such a pro at these kinds of things. Keep up the good work, Amu. Just keep pushing people away, and then everything will be back to normal; just you and me. Forever-_

"Shit, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make your cry." Hot tears make their way down my cheeks as I sniffle. What the actual fuck is going on? I've…I've never been the one to cry in front of others before, especially not in front of guys. What was wrong me? Is Tsukiyomi…..changing me? That's not possible; it's too soon. I can't fully trust him yet.

Oh, God, I'm such a –

"Pussy," I mutter.

"What?" Confused sapphire eyes replace worried ones as he looks at me, completely puzzled.

"I'm such a pussy!" I exclaimed, tears still streaming down my face.

And for the second time in my life, I hear Tsukiyomi Ikuto laugh.

Why was he being like this around me all the time? We weren't even that close; I mean, seriously, why would he waste time with a loser like me? I'm not some goddess like Rima, my hair wasn't as perfect as Yamabuki Saaya's; I was just plain Amu.

_That crazy chick with the stupid pink hair and big-ass eyes._

Your average classmate with the average marks but with the surprisingly high mark in English even though she's Japanese. Your average classmate that walks home alone because her best friend is too busy to care about how her day went.

Why is Tsukiyomi Ikuto treating me like my jokes deserve to be laughed at?

Why is he treating me…normal?

He then pats my head and chuckled a little. "See ya later, Amu." He turns around and walks away. And I frown at this.

This is bad.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for mucho late update. Writer's block was somewhat lifted and I'll leave you guys with this shortie. **

**Ikuto's POV**

Turning my back from the pink haired beauty, I make my way down another flight of stairs and wonder through the empty school corridors for the guidance counselor's office, not bothering to go back up to class. Tsk. I'm such a badass; I scare myself sometimes.

Moving on, Hinamori Amu…was 'wanted' in some way.

By the police? No; I'm sure a beauty such as herself isn't a psychopath of some sort on the loose. But then again I might be right, for the psycho part, at least. See, what I'm doing here is a favor…for my father of course. Although my nicknames for her might tell you otherwise, digging up dirt on Hinamori Amu, is not and never will be for my own pleasure. I just can't afford to think like that now -with her tempting scent, natural beauty, and abysmal kawaiiness -not in this situation.

I would never pursue one of my father's patients.

…Unless therapy requires it. Though I wouldn't mind, being 'close friends' with her for now, she's just an absolute fresh breath of air and believe me with my purest of intentions when I say I just want to take her out for dinner and maybe get her to smile. Yes, that would be nice. But nice things are often unhealthy. And ironically, the nice thing I want _is_ unhealthy….in terms of mental state.

So, I knock on the door as I reach the office I was looking for and was permitted to enter by a gentle, yet old, voice.

"Yes, I'm here to pick up papers for Dr. Tsukiyomi Aruto—my father."


	6. Chapter 6

**Amu's POV**

It's been an awkward four days since that episode with Tsukiyomi and my fever. The days that followed, I spent staring at the back of his head as I had several self-conflicts in my mind and finally came to the conclusion that I had taken a slight attraction to my front seatmate. After the staring and listening to the teacher lecture every now and then so I wouldn't be totally behind my classes, Tsukiyomi would always turn his desk around to face mine, like he did on his first day, and would pull out his bento box to eat with me. Sometimes, I just ate and listened to him; giving him a slight nod whenever needed to show that I was still listening. Other times, we just ate in comfortable silence; not the deafening and awkward kind.

It's Saturday today and I was seated, in front of my few full-length windows, on my rocking chair with Shinigami-chan snoring lightly by my feet. Sipping on my tea in the early afternoon, clad in my silk robe because I refuse to bathe on such a fine day.

_Like an old hag. That has nothing better to do than sip tea on a sunny Saturday with her cat. Alone, in her apartment. _

Well, I don't really give a shit right now since I'm comfortable and-

The phone is ringing and I get up to answer it, waking up Shinigami-chan in the process. He hisses at me and claws at my knee-high socks and he lies down again when he's satisfied but not after leaving a small hole in the woolly material. I reach the phone and mutter, "Hello?" after picking it up.

"Amu, dear."

"Mother…"

"Yes, yes. How have you been, dear?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" I say rather harshly. After three months of not calling, she finally starts to genuinely care for her eldest daughter. Father sends the pills; he's the one with the job. And mother…she just sits in a rocking chair, similar to mine. My father is so obsessed with my mother he doesn't want her breaking a sweat. You could tell how much he loves her with how much he's scared of losing her. No exaggeration here; mother can pass anytime. Panic attacks aren't to be taken likely. Not when you're diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

She ignores my heartwarming question and continues, "A little birdy told me that you've been skipping your therapy sessions."

"Well, you can tell that little birdy that I'm fine and that I don't need those sessions anymore."

"But we pay for those sessions."

"Father pays. You talk." I said monotonously.

"Is it wrong for me to ca-"

"Care? No, mother, it's not wrong to care for your daughter. I'm just wondering why you're not caring. At all."

"You don't understand, Amu. You don't know the things I go through everyd-"

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO GO THROUGH, EITHER!" There was a long pause now, after my outburst. And I know my mother has nothing left to say.

"Well, you'll be seeing a new therapist now. Once a week, strictly….on Saturdays and you start today. Sessions start at 3 and ends at 4:30 in Dr. Tsukiyomi Aruto's home. He ringed us a few days ago, specifically asking for you."

I still don't answer and I just breathe into the phone.

She continues, "Don't even think about skipping. Wouldn't want to end up like me now, do you? " And then she puts the phone down after a quick 'I love you'. I just wish I could say the same.

_Sessions start at 3 and ends at 4:30 in Dr. Tsukiyomi Aruto's home. _

I look at the wall clock and see that it was already a good 50 minutes past 1 o'clock. 'Where does this Dr. Tsukiyomi even live?' I ponder as I open my laptop from the kitchen counter. Googling his name, I click on the legit looking links and sure enough this address belongs to a Tsukiyomi Aruto whose occupation is psychologist, so google says.

After writing down the address on a small piece of paper, I turn for the bathroom and head straight to the shower, not wanting to waste any time. Wouldn't want to be late for my first session with Dr. Tsukiyomi.

Tsukiyomi….Dr. Tsukiyomi.

No, he couldn't be…there could be a hundred Tsukiyomis living in my neighborhood. And believe me when I say my neighborhood is huge.

I settle for some tight fitting jeans and a hoodie. I put on my boots and head for the door, hoping the next door I would come face to face with wouldn't be opened by Tsukiyomi Ikuto.


	7. Chapter 7

**Please enjoy this chapter! **

A certain rosette stepped out of a taxi cab which she had specifically ordered to stop in front of the three story modern glass house she was standing outside of now. A golden rectangular plate was bolted to the wall, near the gate, with the name _Tsukiyomi _engraved on it. Said rosette heaved a sigh as she muttered to herself, "Get your shit together, Hinamori. You've seen other shrinks before, this one's no different." _Except for his last name maybe, _She thought.

After a good ten minutes of contemplating whether or not to ring the doorbell, our heroine finally decided to get her shit together and rang the little golden button of a doorbell and palmed her face as regret took over her almost shivering body. The chilly September air tickled some of her exposed skin, mostly her face; she had forgotten to put on a scarf after much hurrying, hoping not to be late for her first ever session with Dr. Tsukiyomi Aruto, she forgot to leave food for her….feline friend and this day was suddenly full of regrets.

"Um, excuse me…?" greeted a voice. Amu would bet her boots that the person who opened the door just now or maybe a little while ago – she hadn't noticed, obviously – was female. To confirm her suspicion, she finally looked up to have her golden eyes meet with deep violet ones. She couldn't find her voice and she was obviously distracted by such color for eyes, leaving her staring at the blonde beauty. Amu felt stupid and she thought that she probably _looked _stupid, too.

"Hinamori Amu?" asked the blonde. Amu confirmed with a nod, completely at a loss for words. Who wouldn't? The person standing in front of her was practically an angel! A goddess, maybe! With the most alluring pair of deep violet eyes and flowing waist length blonde hair, this girl was the epitome of perfection….to Amu, at least. Amu had never seen anyone so intimidating and beautiful all at once before. Except maybe-

"Utau, don't scare the poor girl; let her in it's windy outside!" bellowed a deep masculine voice. The owner of the voice peered over the blonde's shoulder and Amu wanted to pinch herself to see if she was dreaming. Standing in front of her now, after the blonde made way, was a tall look-alike of Amu's front seatmate who looked to be in his mid thirties.

"Dr. Tsukiyomi Aruto?" was all she could muster.

Tsukiyomi Aruto nodded with a gentle smile, "Please, come inside, Hinamori-san." He turned his back and went further into his abode as Utau remained at the side, holding the door open for Amu. The rosette hesitantly went inside and saw that there was no need to rid of her shoes; the house was built western-style. She, again, caught herself staring at the beautiful almost all-white home decorated with modern ornaments and such so she then busied herself by looking at her boots. Such an awkward person she was.

Seeing that Dr. Tsukiyomi was nowhere in the living room, Utau decided to break the ice after closing the front door shut, "I like your hair," she starts. "It's pink." At that statement, Amu couldn't help but accept defeat as she came to the conclusion that she was, indeed, in Tsukiyomi Ikuto's house.

Amu, being the polite person she was raised to be, looked up to Utau's face and forced a smile. "Thank you. You have pretty eyes, um, uh…" unsure if her gathered knowledge was correct, she left her words hanging.

"Tsukiyomu Utau, if you haven't figured it out yet." Utau watched the rosette in front of her carefully._ A little on the weird side_, she thought. Having been used to situations like this, Utau decided not to judge first. It wasn't polite and she just met the person. Everyone has a story, as her father once said.

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that. I'm Hinamori Amu…if you haven't figured it out yet either." Amu said sheepishly, hoping that the beauty in front of her wouldn't find her reply offensive. High hopes; Utau ended up laughing.

"You're funny; I like you already." Utau grinned. Amu couldn't help but blush at the sudden approval of a person she just met a few minutes ago. Before Amu could continue listing in her mind what things she shouldn't do to keep their conversation from going back to its awkward phase, they were interrupted by Dr. Tsukiyomi Aruto who had just emerged from what seems to be the kitchen.

"Ah, I see you've met my daughter. Has she been bullying you already?" he asked with a chuckle.

"Otou-san!" Said daughter fumed.

"Ah, no! She was really nice to me!" Amu defended. "Really….really, really nice to me." She went back to staring at her boots, her face flushed.

"You're just too cute, Amu!" Utau then tackled Amu with a hug, rubbing their cheeks together like a mother would with her child.

"Okay, okay. Stop harassing my patient, dear. We'll be in the office if your mother comes back home and starts looking for me. Let's go, Hinamori-san." Amu was then led to Dr. Tsukiyomi's office which was located at the third floor of their home.

Utau gripped Amu's wrist before she had the chance to ascend the stairs and smiled at her, "We're friends, okay?"

Amu was again speechless…at first. She then spoke up, not wanting to create yet another awkward atmosphere between the two of them, "Um, sure." She then smiled at Utau and made her way up the stairs, following Dr. Tsukiyomi.

**Amu's POV**

I was lying down on a black velvet couch, my head rested on one armrest and my boot-clad feet propped up on the other. A coffee table was in front of the couch I was lying down on, so the cherry red table was sort of beside me and on the other end of the table was a single rolling black leather computer chair which was massive enough for your back to lean on. And on that chair sat Dr. Tsukiyomi Aruto, notepad in hand.

"So, Hinamori-san, how would you like to start?" He starts.

Hmm. Well for starters you should know that I want to kill myself. I mean, really, what's the point of living when you're lonely and miserable all the time. Nothing good ever happens to me anymore. "Um, I don't know. I haven't really talked to a shrink lately…and- oh dear, I'm sorry…for calling you a shrink, I mean-"

"It's okay, I don't mind; call me whatever you want."

I blushed in embarrassment. But Dr. Tsukiyomi should be used to this. I mean, the google results were impressive. He seems to be at the top of his game.

"Let's start with the basics," he continues, "it helps sometimes…if you're confused. Tell me, Hinamori-san, are you confused?" I shifted uncomfortably and continued to stare at the ceiling, then proceeded to stare at my boots again. _Was_ I confused?

After figuring out that he wasn't going to get an answer he decided to speak again, "Now, Hinamori-san, let's start with an exercise. Recite to me everything you know about yourself. It's common with people at your age who are depressed to have internal self-conflicts, so maybe agreeing with yourself by stating some facts you're confident you know might help with that conflict."

I heaved a sigh and without thinking, I let my mouth take control. "I'm Hinamori Amu and I'm fourteen years old, turning fifteen a week from now. I have pink hair and sometimes I hate it. I have a cat named Shinigami-chan and he's a fat ass." I stopped realizing I had just used a profanity but Dr. Tsukiyomi gave me an approving look and urged me to continue. "I like tea. And I like sitting on my rocking chair. I go to school at Seiyo and I thank Kami-sama that the uniform's skirt reaches just an inch above the knee. I…I live alone with my cat in my apartment that my parents pay for rent monthly all the way from America. They send me my medication. Father does, not 'they'. Mother doesn't really care." I sigh contentedly and continued to stare at my boots. "I'm a pressured teenager who's insecure as fuck. "

Dr. Tsukiyomi scribbles on his notepad for a while and turns back up to me, "Let's start with something light. What do you like the most of all the things you've just recited to me?" He asks encouragingly.

"Tea," I answer without any hesitation. Dr. Tsukiyomi then gives me a look as if to ask, 'is that all?'

"And Shinigami-chan. I was sipping tea on my rocking chair earlier today with Shinigami-chan by my feet." I say. He's a professional, he can't judge me.

"What were you thinking about?"

"I was thinking about killing myself."

"I see." He then scribbles some more on his little notepad with knitted brows. There, I let it out. I sighed and felt as if a burden had been lifted off my chest. "What medication are you on?"

"Prozac."

"Nothing out of the ordinary, it's normal for you to feel suicidal after everything you're going through, based on what you just told me. What I'm going to do now is help you, Hinamori-san." He pauses.

"Would you like me to help you?"

I find that his smile is something I can't resist, much like his son's, "…It would be nice to not want to kill myself all the time. I guess a little help wouldn't hurt."

"It would be nice if my patient wouldn't ditch sessions, either." He's still smiling and there's something about it, its calmness, making me give in. "Do you promise to let me help you?"

I stared long and hard at the man before me, angling my head a bit so I could look at him properly. Here I was, lying down – a tad comfortable – with one of my classmate's parents writing down every bit of information about me he found interesting. This parent happened to be my new shrink and this parent happened to be someone I couldn't refuse, for what reason…I still don't know. I went back to staring at my boots for the nth time today, "Promise."

Dr. Tsukiyomi then puts his notepad and pen down on the coffee table, "Now, how about some tea?"

And for the first time in days, weeks, or even months maybe, I smiled a real smile. I wasn't putty at the mention of tea; I wasn't that pathetic. I smiled because I didn't feel that alone anymore. Maybe sessions with Dr. Tsukiyomi wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be.

**Reviews are appreciated c: **


	8. Chapter 8

**Please enjoy this chapter! I do not own Shugo Chara or Nyan Cat or Hello Kitty. **

**Amu's POV**

My first session with Dr. Tsukiyomi went smoothly and you could tell that he really knew what he was doing. We chatted like old gossiping ladies having afternoon tea. It went on for an hour until the session ended then I had to go home. Aside from the fact that Dr. Tsukiyomi was related to Tsukiyomi Ikuto - though I haven't officially confirmed it yet…but it was obvious enough, it wasn't that hard to figure out after Utau complimented my hair – there was something about this particular session with him that felt different. I didn't see Tsukiyomi at all and was thankful he didn't see me in my state. Before even getting to the front door, I was again tackled by Utau. "You should come here again next time. We should definitely hang out!"

"Of course she'll come back here, Utau. She has sessions with me." As soon as Dr. Tsukiyomi closed his mouth, Utau exclaimed, "Yay!"

"You won't see me in school, Amu-chan. Can I call you that?" I was about to answer but, "Well, I'll tell you why if you have dinner with us!"

"Utau…" warned Dr. Tsukiyomi.

I blush a little at the sudden offer, "No, it's okay. My, uh…cat. Yes, he's waiting for me at home."

Utau pouted, "Aww, next time then!"

"If it's not an intrusion…" I look down to my boots though I was forced to look up right away when Utau decided to hug me again. And then I said my farewell and thanks to both Tsukiyomis and headed home. I actually walked all the way home since I found that there was another way around. I just had to make two lefts, two rights, one more left and I was already on my street. So, after much walking and thinking, I finally reached my apartment and I still haven't wrapped my finger around the reason why my session with Dr. Tsukiyomi felt a shitload different from the ones I've had before.

Then it hit me.

I didn't hear the voices the whole Saturday.

And until now, too. It was Monday today and I was standing in front of my full body mirror, already dressed in my school uniform. It was kinda hot outside so I didn't bother to put my scarf on today. I hug Shinigami-chan goodbye and take a pill before leaving.

The whole weekend…I couldn't help but think that Tsukiyomi knows I'm far from normal. The chances of Dr. Aruto talking about his patients over dinner were slim but I wasn't any ordinary patient; I was one of the doctor's son's classmates. Not that it was anything extravagant, it's just that….it's just not every day that you see your son's classmate in your clinic, I mean, there's no reason not to talk about it over dinner, right? Plus, you have Utau. I bet she babbled about everything from how I was gaping at their house to my staring at my boots all the time. There's just no taming that girl. She's a feisty one; and people like her don't always let gossip like this pass.

I dread every step I take towards the top of the third floor when I finally reach the top. I was sulking all the way to my classroom until I saw Rima by the door. She still doesn't know anything. She thinks I'm still Amu that just likes to keep to herself.

"Ne, Amu." She greets monotonously. I don't plan on telling her anything any time soon. Like I said before; things were better this way. No need for her to worry or anything, not that she would, anyway.

"Good morning, Rima." I smile at her. I haven't talked to her for a while and I was kind of missing her already. Maybe she wants to hang out today. I was about to ask her what was up until I notice that the two of us weren't exactly alone. "To you too, Nagihiko." He greets me back and we're left with an awkward silence.

"So…what's up with you?" Rima asks. That's the second time ever she asked how I was doing.

Oh, you know, I saw a new shrink last Saturday and I'm still not entirely sure if he's Tsukiyomi's dad. But who am I kidding? I'd be lying to myself if I said they weren't related at all. Oh by the way, Tsukiyomi's this big jerk that likes to eat most of my lunch all the time. I sort of have a crush on him, too. But I'm not so sure yet. Oh, and he probably thinks I'm a freak since I'm depressed and all that shit.

"Oh nothing much; Shinigami-chan ruined another pair of my favorite socks."

"You still have that thing lying around your apartment?" she asks, completely disgusted.

"That _thing_ keeps me company, okay?" I narrow my eyes at her as I defend Shinigami-chan. She wasn't exactly the 'best' best friend in the world, what does she know? Nagihiko just laughs at how silly we're being.

Rima snorts, "Well, the bell's about to ring. Nagihiko and I should go inside our classroom now. I'll text you at lunch, okay? Maybe we could go to this new café after school. I heard that the cakes there tasted great."

"Um, sure, we'll see."

"Would you come if I said the tea tasted nice as well?" She challenges with a smirk. Much like Tsukiyomi's…

"Hmm, you got me there. Again, we'll see." I chuckle at her.

We wave each other goodbye and finally go inside our own classrooms. I step in to see that Tsukiyomi was already there, reading some manga. I take a deep breath and force my legs to take me to my seat. I manage to walk there without tripping or hitting anything, so with a little more confidence, I pull out my chair quietly and sit down.

I take another shaky breath, "G-good morning, Tsukiyomi." I put on a fake smile. Just to be polite.

"Good morning, ichigo." He greets without looking up from his manga.

"What the fu- ? Ichigo?" Why the fuck is he calling me ichigo? Tell me, do I look like a strawberry to you? Maybe it's because of my hair but I know for a fact that strawberries are red; not pink.

"Isn't it obvious? Your hair's pink." He was looking at me now, still seated. His chest was to the back of the backrest and his legs were on either side of the chair. He was grinning at me. "And I like it." There he goes again, liking my hair.

"If you like my hair so much then why don't you just dye _your_ hair pink, huh?" This person was crazy. Naming me after a fruit, which was obviously red, because he thinks it's pink like my hair. "You're crazy, Tsukiyomi."

His grin gets bigger. "Crazy for you," he teases. I blush like an idiot at his comeback. Who wouldn't? What girl wouldn't be putty at this? This attractive idiot was grinning at me cheekily. "Oh, come on, Amu. I'm just playing with you."

"Oh, yeah? Well, you make me want to play with your face, Tsukiyomi." I sneer at him. Tsk, stupid Tsukiyomi. Teasing me because he can…it makes me want to punch him.

"You can play with my face any way you want, _ichigo-sama_." He was smirking right now.

"Baka hentai! Not like that!" Blushing furiously, I look outside the window, completely embarrassed with how much color he could see on my cheeks.

"You're a real ichigo now; you're all red. All over the face, Amu." He chuckles. I just huff out a breath, resting my chin on my palm, completely frustrated with the turn of events. But I was slightly relieved; it was as if Tsukiyomi didn't know that I had sessions at _his_ house with _his_ dad. So the bell rings and classes start.

I spent lunch with Tsukiyomi again. I just listened to him talk about his weekend as he subtly got pieces of fish from my bento box. According to him, he went and visited his grandparents somewhere by train. I was relieved.

Rima didn't text me. And I didn't see her after school either.

* * *

><p>Nothing much happens this week…so far. Well, except maybe for the loud annoying people in class who keep talking about the damned field trip next Monday. Things with Tsukiyomi were still…safe. Yes, safe. We were still normal classmates who fight about nonsensical things most of the time. He was treating me no different than last week, so I could say that his finding about my session with his father was a no-go. This week so far, was, hmm…normal. It was only Thursday today and I've only heard the voices once or twice. But they only show up whenever I'm at the grocery. Weird shit, I know. I'm still gonna have to talk to Dr. Aruto about that this Saturday.<p>

Despite the normal depression and a little bit of relief going on for the past three days, I couldn't help but feel especially gloomy today. I get up from my bed like I usually do to get ready to school but before anything else, the phone rings. Who calls at 6:30 in the morning? I make my way out of the bedroom then towards my small living room and cursed after almost stepping on Shinigami-chan's tail.

I take a deep breath as I pick the phone up, "Hello?" my voice was kinda groggy, though I didn't mean it to be. I sneak a peek at the calendar and see that it's September 24 today. Wait a minute-

"Good morning over there, Amu-chan! Happy birthday! Father misses you so so _so_ much! How are you, my little sparrow? You're 15 already, oh my goodness! I can't believe you're so old, I can't believe_ I'm_ so old! Are you dating any boys, Amu-chan? Never mind, you shouldn't! "

"Good morning to you, too, Father. Thanks, I'm not that old; I'm just fifteen. I'm doing fine here. It's getting a little chilly nowadays. I miss you, too." I smile a little at my father's enthusiasm. "And no, I'm not dating anyone."

"Yay! Keep being daddy's little heartbreaker! Make daddy proud!" he says enthusiastically.

Father says they sent my gift a month ago, so it should be here by Saturday. After talking for a good fifteen minutes with my family, I had to say goodbye since I had school today; I didn't want to be late. So I take a quick shower and put my uniform on, leaving my hair undone. Today wasn't really anything special. I mean, it's not like I loathe the day I was born, it's just that…okay, wait. Maybe I do.

I waited for my cupped yakiudon to be ready and drained the broth in the sink. Noodles for breakfast, such a pleasant birthday. I check my phone before putting it in my bag and see that Rima texted me happy birthday. I'll thank her later. So after pocketing my bottle of pills, I bid Shinigami-chan goodbye and head out the door.

Maybe I'll buy myself some new socks today...maybe a new scarf, too. Nyan Cat or Hello Kitty? I try to come to a decision as I eat my cupped noodles on the way to school.

**Reviews are appreciated c: **


	9. Chapter 9

**Please enjoy this chapter! :D **

* * *

><p><strong>Amu's POV<strong>

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"Because…just because."

"Bullshit, Rima."

"Now, now. There's no need for such unladylike language, Amu. It's your birthday, lighten up a bit."

Rima, Nagihiko and I were walking up the stairs to the third floor of Seiyo's high school building. It was a good thing I popped a pill in my mouth before turning the last corner before the street where the school was; Rima and Nagihiko waited for me by the gate.

"I refuse to wear this the whole day," I say. I try to take the headband with cat ears off but Nagihiko was taller and faster than I was. "Ugh, fine. Until we get to the classroom then. We wouldn't want you fake crying, now would we? " Nagihiko laughs at my remark and Rima just smirks.

"You know me too well, Amu. Too well." I roll my eyes at this. Well, duh, we've been friends for two years now. Or three…it doesn't matter. It's my birthday; cut me some slack. We stopped between my classroom and theirs. "Now, for your next gift," Rima announces. Nagihiko pulls out a small white box - with a soft pink ribbon wrapped on top - from a paper bag I didn't notice he was holding the whole time and hands it to me.

"It's from the both of us," he smiles warmly. "Happy birthday, Amu-chan." I peek into the small box and find a mini strawberry cake with a tiny candle stuck in the middle, surrounded by sliced strawberries. It was one of my favorites. This would go well with my tea; English Breakfast.

"Whoa, thank you, guys!" I smile a real smile at them and hug them both carefully, not wanting to drop the box. "Both of you should come over for tea after school." I beam at them.

"Yeah, about that…" Rima sighs. "Nagihiko sort of has this family thing and he asked, no, he begged me to come with him…so, yeah. We can't join you after school, I'm sorry Amu. I know it's your birthday and all but this is…sort of important."

I then stop my smile from turning into a frown, but it was very hard. I almost didn't succeed.

"Oh, what a shame. Anyways, thanks for everything guys, I should head in my classroom now. Good luck with later, Nagihiko."

He smiles at me apologetically, "Happy birthday again, Amu-chan."

"Thanks." Then I take the headband off and make my way into my classroom but not before hearing Rima's last greeting.

"Happy birthday, Amu." The last time she greets me for the whole day, I bet. I only get to talk to her in the mornings nowadays. So I'm not really expecting much anymore today since Rima and Nagihiko greeted me already. It's not like I was a nobody in class, but I wasn't that popular either.

I set my bag on the table and take my seat. The chair in front of me was empty for the whole morning.

* * *

><p>Given that it was my birthday today, and Tsukiyomi wasn't here either, I decided to have lunch on the rooftop today. So I grab my thermos and unopened cup noodles and make my way up four flights of stairs. I open the door to the rooftop and my face was instantly greeted by the wind.<p>

"Shit, it's cold." I mutter as I walk towards the railing. It went up to my hips; this fact gave me ideas. Jumping off the school building didn't sound that bad…but then again, it would taint the school's name. Who cares, though, really? ... Ugh, I'm too good of a person to do that to this school. I stare at how far the ground was. This building was four stories high. Falling off from it wouldn't be a nice trip…for others. Wait, I promised Dr. Aruto I would try. I shouldn't thi-

"My, my. I sense the presence of a lady here."

"I sense the presence of a delinquent. Skipped classes, Tsukiyomi?" Surprised by my newfound confidence, I shift uncomfortably under his gaze. His dark blue pools were staring directly to my honey colored ones and I find that it was hard to move. And breathe.

"I don't know, you tell me." He smirks. "What are you doing up here, ichigo? Did you miss me? Did you come to look for me?"

"I don't know, Tsukiyomi. You tell me." He was sitting on the floor, leaning beside the wall near the door. "I came here to eat lunch."

"Sit with me."

"You just want my food." I narrow my eyes at him but still accept his offer and sit on the floor beside him. He had his legs crossed while I had mine in front of me. "Well, too bad. I can't share today. I've only got cupped noodles."

"We could share one way or another. If you know what I mean." He smirks at me again. And my blush never fails to make an appearance.

"P-pervert!"

"I'm not the one thinking perverted thoughts here, my dear ichigo. I was simply implying that we could take turns using your chopsticks." He laughs at me. Such a heart melting laugh.

"Tsk, whatever Tsukiyomi." I focus my gaze on what I was doing. I was carefully pouring hot water from my thermos into my cupped noodles when he speaks up.

"Ikuto."

"Are you talking to yourself? Or…-"

"No, you can call me Ikuto." I was looking at him now.

"We'll see about that," I snort.

He then slides a plastic container towards me. It was rectangular, almost like a bowl. But rectangular. The lid was magenta and since the plastic material was clear, meaning see through, I could almost make out what was inside.

"What's this?" I turned my head to look at him but he was looking the other way.

"Open it, ichigo."

So I do. I lift the lid and my nose meets with the most wonderful scent ever. "Strawberries," I say out loud. "What're these for?" It couldn't possibly be-

"I heard that it was your birthday today." He says casually.

"Oh."

"Happy birthday, Amu."

"Um…thanks, Ikuto."

His ears perk up at this and he immediately turns to me, his eyes were a little wide and excited. "What did you just say?"

"I said 'thanks'. Are you deaf or something? Do I have to say it again?"

"Yes!" He urged, his face was inches from mine now.

"Um, thanks." I was blushing immensely now. I was squirming a little since he was so close.

"No, no! Not that part!" He turns away again, looking at the railings.

"What are you talking about, crazy person?"

"You _know._ That _part_."

He couldn't possibly mean my calling him 'Ikuto,' now could he? Hmmm.

"Thanks, _Ikuto_." Upon hearing this, his head turns to me almost automatically. He then grins a small grin that was slowly getting bigger.

"You're welcome, Amu." And we became silent after that. We took turns using my chopsticks and he even tried feeding the noodles to me, claiming he was my servant for the day, but I just slapped his hands away. He would fake being hurt and put on this cute pout but I just stuck my tongue out at him. Then I wondered…

"Ne, Ikuto, how'd you know it was my birthday today?" it's a fat chance that he could've maybe looked at my file in Dr. Aruto's office. But surely he kept those files private…right? You can't leave files like that lying around. That would should how unprofessional you are; Dr. Aruto was far from unprofessional. Damn far. So how did Ikuto know?

"Oh, look at the time, ichigo; the bell is ringing." He abruptly stood up, dusting off his slacks and soon offered his hand to me as I threw the cupped noodles in a nearby bin without getting up. The bell was _not_ ringing_._

"What? No, it's not-"

_Riiiiiiiing~_

"Oh."

"Let's go we're gonna be late, ichigo." I accept his hand and he helps me get up. He carries the container of strawberries for me as we make our way back to the classroom. We had to pick up the pace, we had biology next and the teacher was a dragon-lady. We make it back to the classroom and the teacher entered 5 seconds after we sat down. We both heaved a sigh and he handed me something without looking back. It was a piece of folded paper, so I opened it.

_Can I come over for tea after school? Well, I don't really know why I bothered to ask, you don't really have a choice. I see that the shrimp and the girly boy got you cake. So I'll help you finish it. ;) xoxoIktuo_

"Gay glutton," I mutter under my breath, loud enough only for him to hear, and he chuckles at this. Shrimp and girly boy? Does he mean Rima and Nagihiko? Well…Nagihiko does seem a tad effeminate sometimes…

"Hinamori-san," the teacher calls out. "Can you tell me what this is?" She points to the blackboard. She drew something that consisted of a few rows and columns. It's a good thing I read in advance last night.

"It's a punette square, Imai-sensei."

"Very good. Next time, make it look like you're paying attention."

"Hai, sensei."

"Now," she continues. "For those who weren't listening and for those who didn't read in advance, what we have here on the blackboard is a punette square. It can help you, especially, with our topic today; Genetics." The class groans. Studying genes were easy but it was rather boring. "Can anyone tell me what the uppercase letter stands for? Same for the lowercase letter."

Ikuto raises his hand. "Yes, Tsukiyomi-kun?"

"The uppercase letter – which in this case is 'B' – represents the dominant trait the offspring will inherit, however; the lowercase letter – which is 'b' – represents the recessive trait." He recites.

The teacher nods at Ikuto's flawless recitation. "Yes, for some of you that do not know, traits are what you may call characteristics. Be it physical or not. The 'B' here stands for Blue, while the 'b' stands for pink. Tsukiyomi-kun, Hinamori-san, I hope that the both of you wouldn't mind me using your hair colors as an example for class today. It's just perfect for our lesson."

"Hai."

"Hai, sensei."

She than smiles approvingly at us, "Okay, let's say Tsukiyomi-kun and Hinamori-san get married-" the class snickers at this immediately, some even wolf whistle. Ikuto just turns around to smirk at me.

Yamabuki Saaya, however, was not pleased. "But sensei! I-"

Sensei ignores Saaya and proceeds with the lesson instead, "-and they make a baby."

"Wooh, way to go Tsukiyomi!"

"Lucky, tsk."

"Give it to her good, Tsukiyomi!"

"Class!" Sensei fumes. "You are all adolescents and I think it's time that you all should take this topic maturely. Even then, it's none of your business whether Tsukiyomi-kun 'gives it to her good.' You should all be ashamed for even thinking such things." The class then quiets down immediately. "Moving on," she recovers. "Assuming that 'B' is Tsukiyomi-kun's blue hair and 'b' is Hinamori-san's pink hair and what we have here is BB, can anyone tell me what the hair color of the baby will be?"

Ikuto wastes no time, "Sensei, our little bundle of joy would have my hair color of course." He then smirks at me and the class erupts into laughter again. Sensei's eyes were in dangerous slits now and the class shuts up once again.

"That's correct, Tsukiyomi-kun." She grits her teeth.

"But sensei," a girl speaks up. "What if it were Bb?"

"Very good question, Yunoki-san. Since it is a mixture of a dominant and a recessive trait, the hair color will be blue because B is the dominant trait here however; sometimes there are codominant traits. What color do we get when we mix blue and pink?"

"Purple," the class choruses.

We spent the remaining 30 minutes discussing genetics and no more marriage puns were made about Ikuto and me anymore. The afternoon went by in a blur and then it was last period already. Algebra was sort of hard but Nikkaidou-sensei makes it easy for us sometimes. What surprised me was how sensei dismissed us.

"Don't forget to answer pages 231-232, odd numbers only. Please also don't forget to bring in your reply slips tomorrow for the class fieldtrip on Monday. Kazuki-kun please stay behind, we have some grades to discuss."

"Awww man."

Then sensei finishes, "Oh, and happy birthday to Himamori-san as well. Class dismissed."

His mispronunciation doesn't go unnoticed by me, "It's Hinamori, sensei. _Hina_mori!" He just grins at me as the class sings me happy birthday…including Ikuto.

How many times have I blushed today?

* * *

><p>"We should definitely name her Ichigo, okaa-san." Ikuto and I were walking home now. He was carrying both of our book bags in one arm while he carried a paper bag with my cake and strawberries with the other, saying that pregnant women shouldn't carry heavy stuff.<p>

"Will you stop insisting that we name our non-existent child after a fruit? And quit calling me okaa-san, Ikuto, it's creeping me out."

"But pregnant women shouldn't-"

"I'm. Not. Pregnant." I sneer at him. "I can carry my bag and that paper bag on my own." I try to snatch it away from him but he was too damn tall.

"You shouldn't say things that would hurt the baby's feelings, okaa-san." He narrowed his eyes at me.

I sigh, giving up. I know that he was just living up to being my servant for the whole day but I don't really need one and this is getting annoying. And he clearly hasn't gotten over our biology lesson today. "You're hopeless."

"Hopelessly in love with you." He smirks.

"Stop teasing me, baka!"

"But that's no fun at all." He pouts.

"You're not supposed to have fun. It's _my_ birthday, not yours."

"Fine, fine, princess."

"Ugh," I exasperated a sigh. "Again with the random pet names."

"But you like it, don't you?" He teases.

"Whatever, crazy gay glutton."

We were silent for a few more minutes, maybe three more or less. We were taking our time going to my apartment and it was still kinda early; no later than four quarter. The wind was raping my hair, the same with Ikuto's, too. I wonder what he thinks of all this. About being friends with one of his dad's patients. Does he even consider me a friend? Well, Utau did, so I'm guessing that he does, too.

"Don't you miss your parents?" He asks all of the sudden.

"I guess I do sometimes. " I was going to ask him something about his parents but I realized that if I did, then he would probably find out that I've met his dad already.

"It must be really easy for you. You don't have to have any reply slips signed or anything. Plus, I bet you throw parties at your apartment all the time." He smirks.

I gave him a sarcastic look, "It's a secret."

He chuckles. "So how does it feel like living all alone? You probably get lonely all the time. "

"Not really…and Shinigami-chan keeps me company, so I don't really mind."

"Don't any of your friends come over to hang out?"

"Sometimes…" The whole thing wasn't a lie, okay. Rima comes over…occasionally. Plus, Shinigami-chan's friends are my friends, too.

Holy shit, I'm pathetic.

"Let's hang out on Saturday." He says casually. There he goes again, inviting himself to my apartment like he owns the place.

"Saturday's not good for me."

"Oh really? Wouldn't that be convenient for you and all? You are going to my place on Saturday, right? We can get coffee or something after your sessions with my dad."

Wait, did he just-

He speaks again once he's noticed that I've stopped dead on my tracks, "Let's make plans over some tea, shall we?"

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><p><strong>Reviews are appreciated :3<strong>


	10. Chapter 10

**Thank you for all the wonderful reviews! You all really make me happy! c: **

**Amu's POV**

"I can't believe I'm just casually having afternoon tea with you on my birthday as we talk about my mental health."

"It's no biggie."

No normal person would have tea with someone like me. No normal person would give me a pack of strawberries on my birthday. No normal person would carry my bags for me. And I'm sure as fuck no normal person with a father as a psychologist would even think of hanging out with his patients. I wasn't normal. The person in front of me was not normal either. You must be thinking, 'this bitch is overreacting lots of depressed people have friends and having tea with someone or giving them something for their birthday is normal, too.' Well yeah, but there's just one simple fact that shows how abnormal this whole thing is.

The person in front of me is so much better than I am.

At what? Everything.

At life, at making friends, at academics, socially, physically and all that shit; _everything_.

Tsukiyomi Ikuto sits across from me on my four-seater dining table as he sips his tea from one of my spare teacups. He knows that I'm a psycho and he knows that his dad is my new psychologist. And he's probably here to talk shit and tell me to stay away from him and such.

I take a deep breath and reach for the teaspoon, "Don't you think I'm some kind of –"

"Psycho?"

And I drop the said utensil once I hear this.

"I thought you would say that." He continues.

My chest aches at how casually he says this. It was as if he didn't have a care in the world at all that I was a psycho and that it was perfectly normal to be one. I cringe inwardly. "Would you like some sugar with your tea?" I ask him. He shakes his head.

He speaks up, "My parents taught me not to judge other people. Dad says that everyone has a story. So, no; I don't think you're a psycho. I think you're cute-"

"Stop that."

"Excuse me?" He raises an eyebrow at me.

"Stop calling me cute. And stop treating me like we're friends or lovers or whatever. Calling me okaa-san and all, it's irritating. Even if it was just a joke; it gets to my nerves. You come into the school all of the sudden in the middle of September and you spend every lunch hour with me. Who do you think you are, huh?"

"Someone who wants to be friends with you-"

"No, just _no_. You do _not_ want to be friends with someone like me. I'm telling you, _you do not_. "

"You can't tell me what to do."

"What? Just because you're Dr. Aruto's son I have to obey you or something?"

"I know what you're doing here, Amu. I know you're depressed. I know you take Prozac. I know you're insecure like any other normal teenage girl out there but you're at some other kind of level. But it's still the same, more or less," He thinks for a while. "You're pushing me away. For what reason? I don't know. You tell me. "

He pauses again, still thinking. I just glared at my tea. Here I am, explaining myself to someone like he was God or something. He doesn't have to know everything about me. Why does he even care? Is this some exercise from Dr. Aruto? Is Ikuto some kind of spy?

He speaks up again, "Okay, maybe I do know the reason why you push people away."

"Enlighten me, please."

"You think you're better off alone. And you're scared of being hurt…I've heard rumors about you, Amu. Don't think you're invisible at school. You're pretty much a hot topic in the guys' locker room every now and then. I hear guys talking about them wanting to bend you over on the table and-"

"Your point, Ikuto?" I was blushing madly. Hearing those words come out from Ikuto's mouth…I don't know what I'm supposed to feel.

"You think you're not worth anyone's time. You think you're no good for anyone. When in reality you don't even try to be good enough for yourself."

Then the room was silent for a while.

"…What do you want from me?" I look up from my tea cup and stare at him with an adamant expression. "Do you want me to put on makeup every day? Do you want me to hitch my skirt up a bit? Do you want me to try out for the cheerleading team? Do you want me to dye my hair blonde or red or something? Do you want me to stuff my bra, Ikuto? Because this is as big as it's going to get." I laugh humorlessly.

"No, ichigo. You have it all wrong." He sighs. "Really, I'm disappointed in you-"

"Well, this is as good as I'm going to get, too."

"Stop that."

"Don't tell me what to do. Don't tell me to change myself to look better for people to like me because-"

He sighs again.

"What?"

"You're really stupid, you know that, ichigo? You don't have to change. You don't have to be good enough for anybody else. You just have to like yourself more...It's like you don't approve of yourself at all." He tells me. "And it's driving me crazy."

"Why do you care?"

"That's what friends do," He assures me. "There's something…there's something that's pulling me towards you and I don't know what it is. All I know is that I want to be there for you, in any way I can. Because I know for a fact that people deserve someone who would make them happy, be it a lover, family, or a friend…or a pet." He glares at Shinigami-chan who was beside him on the floor. Shinigami-chan was glaring at Ikuto ever since he got here.

Then he looks back to me, his serious expression changes into one that is calm and serene. "You don't have to go through it alone. Whatever it is you're dealing with."

I've got nothing left to lose. I could run straight off a cliff and not give a fuck. Maybe I would feel a bit guilty for leaving Shinigami-chan but I still think I wouldn't regret anything if I take a bullet to my head right now. My family would mourn but I emotionally detached myself from them a long time ago. So what have I got to lose if I let Ikuto care for me? I might regret this in the future but I think…I think I could let someone help me this time.

It's funny how I wouldn't regret killing myself while agreeing to be friends with Ikuto feels like taking a huge risk.

I heave a sigh of defeat.

"Y-you won't tell anybody about this?" I ask him, watching him carefully. I needed to know if I could trust this person but I don't know how I could possibly do that. I don't know what it is, but there's something inside me that's urging me to take the risk. "You won't tell anyone about me taking any pills or seeing Dr. Aruto at your house? "

He nods, assuring me. "Is there anything else that I might know that you don't want me to tell people?" My hand immediately rests on my inner thigh and my fingers brush along the scars. He doesn't have to know about that. But Dr. Aruto does. I promised him I would let him help me. I don't think the doctor would appreciate me not telling him about my…battle scars. "Even if there was…and you couldn't tell me, I promise…I promise that you could trust me. I…I really want to help you, Amu."

I eye the person in front of me carefully. Similar to when Dr. Aruto asked if I would allow him to help me. His son invited himself over to my house on my birthday, asking me if he could help me, too. I said yes to both.

The feeling was nice.

"Would you like a slice of cake, Ikuto?"

He nods and smiles.

* * *

><p>I put on my school blazer and stare at myself in my full-body mirror.<p>

"_Well, this is as good as I'm going to get, too." _

To say that I had a good night's sleep is an understatement. Going to bed last night felt like pure bliss.

"_When in reality you don't even try to be good enough for yourself." _

Nah, I'm joking. I didn't get any sleep last night at all. Ikuto left a little after six, claiming he had to help his mom cook dinner. He goes here to eat, and he comes home to help make the food he eats. He eats a lot yet he looks like this perfectly sculpted Adonis. Oh, Kami-sama, I sound like a deranged fan girl. So, anyway, my _tea party_ with Ikuto was all I kept thinking about last night. It was a little after four when my brain decided to let me sleep.

I skim my fingers along my eye bags and I let out a groan. I'm supposed to go to school looking like this? Great, just great; people are going to love me today. I look like a zombie in a skirt with pink hair.

"_You don't have to change. You don't have to be good enough for anybody else." _

On second thought, I shouldn't really give a fuck.

* * *

><p>I enter the classroom from the back and take my seat since it was nearer. Ikuto was already there, reading a shojo manga. He hears me snicker, "Why are you reading girly mangas?"<p>

"Why not?" He puts the manga down and smirks at me. "You look really pretty today."

I blush and ignore his last comment. "I don't know, maybe because they're for girls? And you're not a girl, Ikuto." I snort.

"Maybe I have a secret I'm not telling you."

I stare at him with a poker face. He notices that I must be getting an idea so before anything else, he quickly adds, "I'm not gay, okay?" He narrows his eyes at me and all I can do is laugh. I was about to tell him otherwise when our class president made his way to my table.

Hotori Tadase was the school's prince charming. I'm not really infatuated with him or anything but…okay yes, maybe I am. But I've got much bigger problems than dealing with him and I don't really think he'll like someone like me so I don't really bother. He's someone what you would call 'eye candy.' Yes, sweets for your eyes. So sweet, you won't even notice him talking to you already since you can't help but ogle at his blonde hair and ruby red eyes.

"Oi, ichigo." Ikuto flicks my forehead.

"Ouch! What was that for?" I rub my forehead, pouting. I then proceed to stick out my tongue at him.

"Girls like you shouldn't let their tongues out in the open like that. Guys might get ideas." He smirks.

I blush hard, "Wh-what did you want, Ikuto?"

"Blondie's asking for your reply slip for the field trip." He says casually, pointing his thumb at Hotori-kun.

Then I turn to my right and see Hotori-kun in all his glory, standing just a few inches beside me. I could smell his fragrance of vanilla and mint. What guy uses a fragrance? Is he for real? So I finally decided to stop humiliating myself and speak up, "G-Good morning, Hotori-kun." I smile at him. I reach in my bag for my reply slip and hand it to him, "Here you go." I must look stupid. I _do_ look stupid.

"Thank you, Hinamori-san. By the way, you can call me Tadase-kun." He smiles his princely smile at me. I can't help but blush even more.

"R-right. Thanks, Tadase-kun. You can call me Amu." Ikuto's glare doesn't go unnoticed by me.

"Hai, Amu-chan." He smiles at me again. I swear, he does that one more time and I am going to faint. "I was wondering," he starts. "Do you have a partner for the field trip already?"

"Yes," Ikuto answers for me. "She already agreed to be partners with me."

My breathing hitched. "What? No, I-"

"Oh, what a shame," Tadase-kun sighs. "I was planning on asking you, Amu-chan, to be my partner. But I guess Tsukiyomi-kun already beat me to it." He smiles a small smile this time, to be polite. Then the bell for first period rings. "See you later, Amu-chan." He waves at me. "Tsukiyomi-kun," he nods at Ikuto.

When Tadase-kun was out of earshot, Ikuto turned to me in his seat. I glare at him, clearly disappointed that he rejected Tadase-kun for me.

"He totally wants to bang you." Was all he said.

I was about to tell him to piss off but sensei already entered the classroom.

* * *

><p>The bell for lunch time rang a few minutes ago and I was staring at Ikuto who was seated, facing me. I was also sitting on my chair, my bento box already set for me to eat. '<em>Oh that's normal; Amu and Ikuto usually have lunch like this. Yes, yes. Perfectly normal.<em>' Well, not really. Not this time. Instead of turning his desk, which created a very…approvable distance between us, he decided to just turn his chair this time so we shared my table.

"You're acting really weird today," I tell him. Our knees were almost touching. "Either that or this is some new technique to have easier access to my food." I take my chopsticks and go for an octopus ball, savoring the taste in my mouth.

"Go out with me – "

I almost choke.

" – To the grocery store today. Since you practically begged me to be your partner for the fieldtrip, my dear ichigo, then I could spare some time to buy some snacks with you for Monday."

"Oh." I look down at my lunch, trying to process what he just told me. "Okay, then- Wait, I _begged_? You sure do dream big, Ikuto and what's with you glaring at Tadase-kun like that? Are you guys enemies or something?" His nose scrunches up at the mention of our class president's name. Much like how Shinigami-chan scrunches up his at the mention of 'Rima-chan.'

"I don't like how he calls you 'Amu-chan.' Only I can call you 'Amu-chan.'" He says as a matter of factly.

"Well, I don't know, Ikuto." I start sarcastically. "Amu-chan _is_ my name."

"Tsk."

We spend lunch like how we always do. He teases me about something and when I huff and look out the window, he steals a few pieces of octopus balls from my bento box. And when he's busy glaring at the back of Tadase-kun's head every time I mention his name, I steal a few pieces of meat from his.

I could get used to this.

Now I just have to get used to seeing him on Saturdays, too.

* * *

><p><em>It was quiet in the Hinamori household one fine Saturday morning. A little rosette was watching TV when she realized she was alone. Not being able to stand this, she trots around the house; looking for someone or something else to amuse her. She then makes her way upstairs and was debating whether or not to belly slide along the newly polished wooden floor of the corridor. She was about to give her penguin skills a try but then she spotted her beloved papa on the other side of the hall. <em>

"_Papa," five year old Amu called. "Papa, play with me." _

_Amu's papa was on the phone at the moment, "Yes…yes, I understand. How long?" He takes a deep breath. "I see." He pauses. "I'll withdraw from the bank, don't worry. I saved up for these kinds of things." He smiles a sad smile at his daughter, telling her that now was not the time to play."Yeah, I love you, too. Okay, get home safe."_

"_Bye."_

"_Papa, who was that? Who did you say 'I love you' to?"_

"_It's just Mama, Amu-chan." He smiles at her. _

"_What's wrong with Mama? She asking you to buy something? Why you need to go to bank, Papa?"_

"_Mama needs medicine to get better, Amu-chan."_

"_Why? What's wrong with Mama? What Mama's sickness?"_

_Her papa was speechless; all he could do for now was hug his daughter. Then he whispers to her, "Mama is – "_

I sit up from my bed, my grip on the bed sheets tighten as I feel sweat roll down the nape of my neck. I was panting heavily despite the cold temperature inside my room. I take a look at the clock and see that it's 12 minutes past 9. It was also 12 minutes past 9 when I felt the tears roll down my cheeks.

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><p><strong>Reviews are appreciated. :3<strong>


	11. Chapter 11

**Again, thank you to all those who took time to leave a review! It really motivates me to write more. Please enjoy this chapter c:**

* * *

><p><strong>Amu's POV<strong>_  
><em>

_It's been too long, _said the voices.

I idly play with my tea with a teaspoon with my right hand as I rest my chin on my left palm. I was clad in my favorite silk robe that went to my mid thighs but the rest of my legs were covered in my favorite knee high socks. It was ten o'clock in the morning on a dark windy Saturday and I had no intentions of getting any solids in my stomach. Tea is all I need.

My phone vibrated for the third time since I woke up this morning. Ikuto asked for my number when we were at the grocery store yesterday, Friday, and I somewhat regret giving it to him. I woke up to four text messages from him. He, apparently, thinks it's a need to tell me everything he does.

**5:57 a.m. **

"Good morning, ichigo. It's 6 in the morning so I'm gonna go jog."

**7:03 a.m. **

"Hey, you still asleep? I just got home from jogging. I passed by your apartment."

**7:22 a.m.**

"I'm gonna take a shower now so you won't tell me I stink later when you come over."

**8:37 a.m.**

"Utau is so annoying."

Waking up to Ikuto's good morning text message gave my stomach butterflies despite waking up crying and sweating. The dream I had was so vivid. I felt like I was really there…I _was_ there, 10 years ago. Maybe I should talk to Dr. Aruto about it later today.

I heave a sigh and flip my phone to finally read the three text messages Ikuto sent me recently.

**9:05 a.m.**

"Utau's cooking breakfast today, you should come over… I can pick you up."

**9:26 a.m. **

"Okay, I think you're still asleep."

**10:01 a.m.**

"I want to see you already."

_Look at that, a boy wants to see Amu. _

I rest my head on the dining table and let out a whimper.

This was the worst part about depression. Maybe, this was the _only part_; feeling depressed. For no reason at all. I've been feeling like shit ever since I woke up and the voices weren't really helping me. They never did, to start with. I should be helping myself. I should try being happy and-

_Why aren't you an honor student, really? You should be more like Ami. You're not even talented. You get okay grades but do you think that'd be enough? You thinking about applying for a scholarship to help your parents? They're fucking rich, stop lying to yourself. You just want to feel good about something. You just want to accomplish something. Why? Because you think you're worthless._

_You __**are**__ worthless. _

I found myself crying for the second time this morning. And I didn't hesitate to reach for the scissors.

I guess I won't be wearing short sleeved shirts for a while.

* * *

><p>I ring the doorbell of the Tsukiyomi household and the door immediately swings open, revealing a casually dressed Ikuto. He opened his mouth but the voice that came out wasn't his.<p>

"Amu!" Utau exclaims and shoves Ikuto out of the way. He mutters a very audible 'ow.'

Ikuto then pulls one of Utau's long pigtails, "You little twerp."

"Ouch, ouch, ouch! Let me go, you-"

"Children," Dr. Aruto's distant voice interrupted. "Let the child in."

"Hai," they chorused. Seeing that they both responded to their father at the same time, they send each other glares, clearly irritated. So I let out a little cough to remind them that I was still here.

"Yo," Ikuto greets me first. "Come inside. I'm sorry Utau's so fat, she must be blocking the doorway."

Utau gasps, "What? But I went to the gym just yesterday!" Horror was evident in her eyes. She then turns around and makes her way up the stairs. "I've got to weigh and check myself out!" And the loud closing of her door was heard throughout the whole house.

Ikuto was still staring at me. I was staring at him too, still outside.

…

"Um, you can come in now."

"Oh," I blush. I was about to go in but then I realized something. "Um, you're…uh, you're sort of in the way."

"Oh," he steps aside and lets me in. "Sorry."

"It's alright," I mumble. I enter their marvelous house for the second time in my life and it still takes my breath away. Despite the black-white-gray theme, everything was just lovely. What kept everything together and balanced was the 42 inch plasma television in the middle of the east wall. I was, along with the stairs almost in front of the door, at the west wall.

"Well," Dr. Aruto gets up from the couch. "We'll start a little after ten minutes. I apologize for my son being very…welcoming. If he, in any way, ever makes you feel the least bit uncomfortable-"

"Oh, no. No, I don't mind at all, Dr. Aruto." I give a timid smile and can't help but blush a bit. He gives Ikuto a warning look. "It's fine, really." I assure him.

"Mhmmm, I've told him countless times not to get…attached with my patients. He listens most of the time but the fact that he sits in front of you in class isn't stopping him this time." Dr. Aruto chuckles. "Very well, then. Ikuto, prepare the tea. Amu-san, you can go on ahead into my office; I still have to ready a few things in the west room." With that, Dr. Aruto disappears up the stairs and Ikuto and I are left alone in their living room.

"So…" he starts.

I stare at my boots, much like the last time I was here. "So…"

"I'll work on the tea." He makes his way to, what I assume, is the kitchen.

"I'll help." I follow him. "We can go up to the office together."

The kitchen was much like the living room. Black, white, but silver this time. Everything was clean and pristine. The floor – instead of a black carpet – was an almost cherry colored wooden floor. The shiny kind.

"You can wash the teacups," he tells me. "They're at the cabinet to your left." He then opens another cabinet somewhere in the opposite direction and brings out a pretty teapot; white ceramic with black floral designs. Despite the obviously new and unused set of teacups before me, another thing catches my eye.

"Who's that?" I ask him. My attention was on a small picture frame on the kitchen counter corner. And inside this frame was a picture of an awfully pale woman with long blonde hair. Despite her skin color, she looked happy.

"That was my mom."

I almost drop the teacups upon hearing this. 'Was' is used when we construct sentences in the past tense. She was their mom. She wasn't anymore…

"Oh," was all I could say. Then I mentally slap myself. "I'm sorry to-"

"No, it's okay."

"Would you mind if I asked how…?"

"No, not at all," He assures me with a smile, but his eyes were sad. He sighs, "She died of cancer. Four years ago. It was when Utau had just signed a contract for training under this agency for modeling and acting. Mom would've liked to see Utau now." I'm gonna have to ask about that later.

"_We'll be in the office if your mother comes back home and starts looking for me."_ But last time, Dr. Aruto…

"The doctors said mom was doing fine, they said she was fighting it. But all of the sudden…"

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me the rest." I pat his shoulder. I didn't know that it was like this with the Tsukiyomi family. I imagined them more of the happy type.

"_Okaa-san's cooking is the best even if it's just left overs. Does your mom have ass-kicking skills in the kitchen, too?" _Ikuto isn't entirely over it, too. He must've forgotten that it was Utau's cooking.

He turns to smile at me. "It was really hard on all three of us. Even until now, Utau would sometimes set the dinner table for four. Dad would read the newspaper and he would give his insights about an article, really, he would just start talking and then he would realize that…no one was listening."

He continues, "The west room, mom's new room; there's an even bigger picture of her there, but she's really at the cemetery. Mom loved the west room. She had a view of the neighbor's backyard garden. Mom was too shy to come over and see for herself so she just stares from the window. It became an everyday thing when her therapy started." I think I stopped breathing. He was telling me too much. I feel like I don't deserve to hear any of Ikuto's stories. I feel like I don't deserve his friendship either. But I had no choice, he was opening up to me all of the sudden. I didn't mean to pry at all. I just wanted to know who the lady in the picture was. I…I didn't know that she –

"Let's head up to the office." He tells me casually.

I snap out of my trance and blush lightly, "R-right."

* * *

><p>"That's very…unique," says Dr. Aruto. "I've never quite heard of that before, although; it usually occurs with people who have schizophrenia. But your case is much lighter than that, I assure you." I had just told him about the voices. He thinks it's <em>unique<em>.

"I think it's weird," sneers Ikuto. "Really weird."

"I'm sorry, but what are you doing here again?" I ask irritably.

"I'm afraid she's right, son," Dr. Aruto faces his son who was leaning on the wall to my right. I was seated on the same couch as last time. "Get out." He says irritably. "You're disturbing us. I'm so sorry, Amu-san. I didn't know Ikuto decided to start helping me again. You see, he used to be training under me; he started a little over three years ago. But he stopped when-"

"Okay, okay." Ikuto sighs. "I'm going. See ya, ichigo." With that, he gets out of the room and closes the door shut.

"Annoying," I mutter.

"You're really comfortable with him, aren't you?" Dr. Aruto asks suddenly. I just blush. "Ikuto's a good boy; always caring for his sister." He sighs and takes his glasses off, setting them on the coffee table. "Especially since…" he trails off, studying my facial expression. "I assume he's told you about Souko?"

Souko must be their mom's name. I nod, "It was very nice of him to open up. It was as if he kept his end of the bargain after having me open up to him."

"I see. Anyways, let me tell you a story, Amu-san. Do you mind?"

"No, not at all," I give a timid smile. "I'll tell you one, too, in return."

He nods. "I had a patient before, just a few months after Souko had gone. She was like you, normal sessions and all. And Ikuto had taken…a liking to her. She was 4 four years older than him; one of the reasons I wasn't really enthusiastic about the whole fiasco. She was smart, and she knew that Ikuto was really attached. He would skip days out with his friends, waiting for her here, even just to see her."

"She must've been a really nice person," I comment. Ikuto had someone before. I should've seen this coming.

"Yes, you could say Dia was a sweet girl despite her mental state. To keep things short, she was sweet to everyone but herself. After 5 months of sessions with me, there was no helping the girl anymore. She wasn't helping herself and there was only so much that I could do for her." He sighs, "…she commited suicide. Ikuto was heartbroken, and he stopped his training with me."

"Oh…" I found myself speechless for the second time today. Ikuto was broken inside. Here I was, judging him, thinking he had everything going for him. If I could just slap myself now…then I finally found my voice, "And you think he's going to want to start again?"

"With you, I don't know." And for the first time ever, I see Dr. Aruto smirk. "So what story did you have in mind, Amu-san?"

I take a deep breath, "It's not really a story…it's just something I just think you should know."

"Oh?"

I slide the sleeve of my sweater up, "I had a dream last night." I show Dr. Aruto my scars. "And what disappointed me, was – despite your son's effort to make me smile via text messages and my constant supply of tea – that I didn't hesitate to hurt myself at all."

"Oh dear," Dr. Aruto now wears a worried expression. "Would you mind telling me what your dream was about?" I shake my head.

"It was from when I was still little. I was playing around the house and got bored. So I went around and looked for my father. And sure enough he was there, on the phone. I kept asking him to play with me." I heave a sigh. "My mother had just given birth to Ami, my little sister, the day before she called. My father was fixing up Ami's new room when the phone rang.

She had postnatal depression.

This depression is clinical and it usually affected women after being pregnant. Mother stopped eating and smiling and playing with me. She changed. The only person she didn't change for was Ami. Being the jealous five year-old I was, I started ignoring her because she was spending so much time with my new little sister. Soon enough, my father had to help my mother and spend time with Ami, too. And soon enough, I started ignoring him, too."

"Total ignorance?"

"Not, really. I managed to slightly patch things up with my father. But things with my mother were…complicated. It was as if I was never part of her life." It's true; she made me feel like an outsider all the time…like I wasn't wanted at all.

Dr. Aruto nods. Then he asks, "Amu-san, why do you cut your wrists?"

I struggle a bit at this. He was being straightforward and it made me feel a tad uncomfortable; like I was being attacked. "I feel like…I feel like I deserve it, actually." I look at the floor. "When there's something new that I don't like about myself, or when I think of something that scares me – like college and my future – I feel the need to hurt myself."

"Hurting yourself is never an option, Amu-san. You should know that."

"I do," I assure him.

He sighs, "Have you heard of the butterfly project?"

I shake my head. "Please, tell me about it."

"It's for people like you. You draw a butterfly on your wrist and you name it after someone you love or care about. Then every time you think about cutting yourself, the butterfly on your wrist would stop you. You would think it's silly; a mere drawing to stop you. But if you cut, the person you name it after dies."

My face currently reads, 'what the fuck.'

Dr. Aruto continues, "Not literally. But if you do cut over that butterfly…over that person, then does that not prove that you don't love or care for them at all?"

"I don't have anyone I love or care for right now," I deadpan. "Let's exclude my cat."

He sweatdrops, "You seem to dislike a lot of things."

"There really isn't much to like about the world."

"Okay, let's take that as your problem for now. I know you have a lot more problems, and we'll take them all down one by one, but let's start with this one." He was being like any other normal enthusiastic psych now. I just sipped on my tea.

And I decide to compliment his tea set, "You have a wonderful tea set." He nods and thanks me.

"Moving on, I have a new exercise for you. I want you to create a list of likes."

"List of likes?"

"Yes, as the days go by I want you to list down what you like on a piece of paper – " he rips out a piece of long yellow pad paper from his clipboard "—maybe you'd go for a walk and see a flock of birds, you can-"

"I don't like birds."

"I know one thing you like that you could write down right now." He hands the paper to me and a silver pen with the household name engraved by the other end.

I stare at the paper and pen in my hands and look back up to him, "And what would that be?"

"Tea."

So I write it down.

**40 minutes later**

"Amu-san," Dr. Aruto called just before I turned the doorknob to leave his office. Sessions had just finished. "If the cutting continues and gets worse, we're going to have to put you in a psychiatric ward."

"I…I understand," I take a deep sigh. "I'll try my best to help myself more."

"Yes, please do. We wouldn't want to see you in a hospital gown now, would we? That would just be ill-fitting on you."

* * *

><p>It was a little after five and I was still in Ikuto's house. We were seated on the floor of his living room, our elbows propped up on the white coffee table. I sat beside him. Both of us had our legs crossed, so our knees were touching.<p>

"I don't get it at all," Ikuto glares at the worksheet. "Why do we even need to learn this stuff?"

"I think sensei said something about it being for the common good, but I wasn't really listening," I chuckle. "Besides, English is fun." I pat his head. We were answering the take home worksheet. Well, _his _worksheet. It's a piece of short bond paper with questions about _Hamlet _and a short essay portion at the bottom.

"'Did Hamlet love Ophelia?'" Ikuto reads. "Who cares?"

I give him a warning look, "Do you want me to help you or not?"

"Fine, fine." He sighs but he then writes down, "Despite his shortcomings toward the maiden, Hamlet indeed love Ophelia but thought that it would only cause further hindrances once her father and his uncle find out about this. He cared so much for Ophelia that he didn't have her involved with anything that had to do with him." He then reads over it and finally looks up at me, asking for approval.

I just smile.

That night, I had dinner with Ikuto and his family. And Utau's setting the table for four did not go to waste.

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><p><strong>Reviews are appreciated :3<strong>


	12. Chapter 12

**Just to clear some things up:**

**The list of likes is something Dr. Aruto came up with to help Amu see more good in the world since she hates it so much. Dr. Aruto knows he's dealing with a teenager who is just probably going through a phase.**

**The butterfly project is something I got from a blog somewhere. It was something like To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA).**

**Please enjoy this chapter c:**

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><p><strong>Amu's POV<strong>

Our uniform consisted of a black skirt that reached half an inch above the knee and a long sleeved white dress shirt that came with a red tie. Complete with your choice of stockings or knee high black socks. The black blazer was the only piece of clothing in our uniform that kept us from looking like waitresses. I went with stockings today. Instead of the blazer, I pulled on my maroon knitted sweater that came in Saturday in the mail. It was a birthday gift from my dad.

Inside my 'birthday box' were the sweater, a nyan cat plushie from Ami, a picture frame from my mom, and some shopping money, too. The box was left outside my door, untouched or whatsoever, when I got home from the Tsukiyomi's. Ikuto walked me home but he didn't come in anymore much to Shinigami-chan's disappointment. I bet they're having some silent feud or war or something.

It's Monday today; field trip day. And I brought a small backpack instead of my book bag. I filled my bag with an extra lunch since Ikuto practically begged me to let him taste my cooking again. He didn't fail to remind me earlier this morning.

**6:28 a. m.**

"Don't forget to bring me food because I'm not bringing any. If you do forget, then I guess I'm gonna have to eat you, ichigo."

So I decided to throw in some sandwiches, too. Better safe than sorry.

So I check my apartment room one last time and pop a pill in my mouth and finally turn around to open the front door.

"Good morning, Amu."

I almost choke on it. "Good morning, Rima…" In front of me was my emotionless mop of a best friend, "Why didn't you –"

"I was about to knock."

"Oh." I close the door behind me.

"Yeah. You wanna walk to school together? We can't really be partners for the field trip since you're in a different class."

I nod and we start walking."Yeah, I'm partners with this new kid."

"Tsukiyomi Ikuto?"

Was he that popular? Geez. "Um, yeah. He sort of kinda insisted and you know me, I'm a nice person."

She gives me a sarcastic look, "Yes, yes. The perfect match; both of you are quite the charmers."

"Well, I don't know about that," I tease. "By the way, where's Nagihiko?" I take a side glance at Rima. She was wearing her favorite white buttoned coat that went to mid thigh. Her skirt was showing from under but her blazer was nowhere in sight. I heave a sigh of relief seeing that I wasn't the only one who decided not to wear a blazer today.

"I told him that I wanted to walk to school with you today."

"Is there any particular reason?" Rima stopped walking to school with me ever since she and Nagihiko got together the summer before sophomore year. I didn't really mind…for a few months. Then it got lonely.

"I'm pregnant."

I stop walking and Rima is a good two meters in front of me. Sweet, angelic, baby-faced Rima was pregnant. My fifteen year old best friend. The school's ice queen. Mashiro Rima is pregnant.

"Do your parents know…?" I didn't have to ask who the father was.

"Yeah," She nods, her back still facing me. I could tell that she was looking down at her shoes. "That was the family thing I was talking about…why I didn't get to spend time with you on your birthday. That was the only day my parents were free from work and signing papers for the divorce. And Nagihiko's father had just flown in from Vienna. It was perfect timing. You have to understand, Amu. I'm sorry."

"Are you going to keep it?"

"My parents were alright with aborting it," she sighs heavily. "But the Fujisakis think it's immoral." She turns around to face me now, tears in her eyes and this time she wasn't faking it. "Amu, I'm going to need my best friend a lot for the coming nine months. I hope that's okay with you." She sniffles as she tries to show me a smile, tears streaming down her face.

I close the distance between us and hug her, tucking her head under my chin. "I'll always be here and support you, Rima. You know that." I try to smile too, but it was hard not to cry. So I did.

* * *

><p>I stare out the window of the moving bus; Ikuto insisted that I take the window seat. According to him, it's a great sacrifice since you find great pleasure in sitting by the window. The dimwit thinks we're still in elementary school. I sigh, not really paying attention to Sensei take attendance.<p>

"Furukawa."

"Hai!"

"Gendou."

"Hai!"

I tried my best to muffle sensei's voice from my ears but there was no escaping Ikuto's. "What's wrong with you, ichigo? Did your cat die or something?" He asks. But I don't answer. I didn't really feel like talking about my cat's non-existent death. I just heave a sigh.

"Himamori."

"Hai!" Ikuto shouts for me, clearly sensing my depressing aura. The class laughs since they were expecting a girl's voice. Sensei clumsily walks toward Ikuto's and my seat, tripping in the process.

"Is there anything wrong with Himamori-san? Feeling sick?"

I shake my head.

"She's feeling a bit under the weather today," Ikuto's still acting as my representative. "Don't worry sensei, I'll keep an eye on her and tell you right away if anything's up." Sensei nods and goes back to the front to continue taking attendance.

"Did you run out of tea?"

"Ikuto, are we friends?"

He snorts, "What kind of a question is that?"

"Tsukiyomi." Sensei calls.

"Hai!"

"Just answer it." I turn to look at him now.

"Of course we are," he smirks. I smile a bit at his acceptance. "Why do you ask?" he drinks water from a plastic bottle and –

"What would you do if I told you I was pregnant?"

– he immediately spits it out, facing the aisle which was to his left, spraying water all over Fuyuki-kun's red hair.

"Oy!" said classmate fumes. Ikuto coughs a little, pounding at his chest, before apologizing.

He turns to his right to face me again, "You were saying?"

I sigh, "I was asking you what you would do if I told you I was pregnant."

"Who's the father?"

"No, no! I'm not pregnant, I'm just…ugh I…" I look out the window again, frustrated that Ikuto would assume so quickly. "…just answer the question please."

"I would accept whatever you decision would be regarding its life and I would support you all the way. That's what friends do."

I just nod at him.

"Seriously, though, who's the father?"

I can't tell him who was actually pregnant. It wasn't my secret to tell and as much as I trust Ikuto – which isn't really much, but I think I'm getting there – it was just that Rima still has some dignity left and I wouldn't want to be the one to take it away.

"It was just something that came to my mind, don't think about it too much," was all I say. I look around the bus before subtly taking two pills in my mouth.

"Why are you taking your pills? You're only supposed to take –"

"Who are you? My psychologist?"

"No, but –"

"Then, shut up."

He narrows his eyes at me and I feel guilty.

"I'm sorry," I mumble. "I just really feel like shit right now."

"Really, if you're pregnant, you could tell me, you know. I would –"

"I'm not, okay? So let it go already. Geez!"

"Okay. But there's a fine line between happy pills and your medication, Amu. You can't just overdose like it wouldn't do anything to you. I know you're smarter than that. You know what happens when you overdose."

"Yeah, I die." The bus stops and we're instructed to go line up outside. I go down the steps and wait for Ikuto with the rest that had gone down on one side.

"Yeah, and I'm gonna miss you if that happens. So don't overdose." He pats my head. "You can tell me anything, okay? What's your problem, ichigo?"

"I'm just really depre –"

"Tsukiyomi-saaaaaaan!" Saaya makes her way toward us, almost skipping. Sure enough, she was screeching again.

Ikuto ignores her, "You're just really what, ichigo?"

"Tsukiyomi-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" She was at Ikuto's side now.

"Shoo away, shoo!" he motions with his hand to her. But she was still oblivious.

"Tsukiyomi-san let's go pick some strawberries!" She grabs his arm and drags him away despite his protests. He just sighs and gives me a 'we'll talk later' look. I pout and watch him get dragged away by Saaya. Just when I was finally comfortable enough to open up to him, someone has to drag him away.

"Amu-chan," Tadase-kun taps my shoulder. I turn around to his smiling face. The color pink tints my cheeks. So early in the morning and I already feel somewhat dazed; similar to what I was feeling on the bus but this one's for a completely different reason."Do you want to walk around the fields together?"

Did he have to ask? It was hard enough not to stare at him, what more to resist him?

"Mhm," I smile at him. "Do you like strawberries, Tadase-kun?" We start walking towards the same direction Ikuto went but going through a different column of strawberry bushes.

"Honestly, no." He gives me this smile as if to apologize. "I prefer nuts and the like." There was nothing wrong or malicious with what he said but guys who overheard thought otherwise.

"Whoo! The class prez likes nuts!"

"Guys, you better watch out!"

"Queer is on the loose!"

"I-I'm not gay!" He stutters. The shade of pink evident on his cheeks.

I give a timid smile to the guys who teased him, "Cut it out, you guys."

Some of them wolf whistle, "Oooh, Hotori's got himself a girlfriend!"

It was my turn to blush now, "I s-said s-stop it!"

The guys walk away laughing until one, who I recognized to be my classmate, shouted out to me, "Call me, Hinamori!" He winks and finally walks away. I just shudder at the thought.

"S-Sorry…about that," I hear Tadase-kun mumble.

"I-It's okay." This was really awkward, with all the stuttering.

Then I hear him take a deep sigh, "Amu-chan." He looks me straight in the eye. "We've been classmates since freshman year, and I think you're really nice." Wait, where is this going? "And I would like to know more about you. I think you're interesting." He finishes. I was looking a little to the left from his head where I spotted Ikuto and Saaya from afar. Saaya kept on blabbering about something while Ikuto was just staring at me. They were a good 10 meters away.

"I'm sorry, what?" I my eyes dart back to Tadase-kun's.

"Will you go out with me?"

"Oh."

"Oh?"

I mentally slap myself. Hotori Tadase was asking me out. Now really isn't the best time for me to be seeing someone; I mean, I always thought I wasn't meant for anybody but ugh, "Y-yes." My eyes dart back to Ikuto and he's still staring at me. Creep. Maybe this could be a way of helping myself be happy. I did promise Dr. Aruto that I would try harder.

"I'm glad," He smiles a big smile. "There's this little café near the school. I'll treat you there tomorrow, would that be alright?"

"I'm fine with that." I smile back at him. But it wasn't as big as his.

* * *

><p>The only thing I liked about this fieldtrip was the café inside the farm. All their products had strawberries in them, that was for sure. Ikuto and I sat at one of the many umbrella shaded tables for two. Sensei said it was the perfect time and place to have lunch with our partners. Ikuto thought so too as he ate away the lunch I made for him.<p>

I sipped on the strawberry smoothie he bought for me, "Is it odd to pack lasagna for a fieldtrip to a fruit farm?"

"It's delicious, so, no."

"Is it odd if I go out with Hotori Tadase?"

Ikuto chokes again for the second time today, "Are you trying to kill me?"

He coughs some more and gulps down half of my smoothie. "Did he get you pregnant or something? Because I know for a fact that the baby comes after the marriage, which comes after the date."

"What the? No! You have it all wrong!"

"Seriously, Amu. You don't even know him that well and –"

"Do you?"

"What?"

"Do _you_ know him that well? Because the last time I checked, _I _wasn't the one who just transferred to Seiyo."

"Tsk, whatever. What do you even see in him, anyways? I hear he's gay."

"He is not –"

"Well, whatever. When's he taking you out?"

"Tomorrow –"

"Tsk."

"Will you stop that?"

"Stop what?"

"What about you and Saaya, huh?"

"Jealous, are we?"

"Forget I even asked."

He sighs, "Look, I'm sorry, okay?" I look at the view to my left, which were bushes of strawberries. "I just…Yeah, I just transferred and you're the only sort of real friend I have and I feel uncomfortable sharing you with anyone else."

"Sharing? You don't own me." I narrow my eyes at him. He just chuckles. Ikuto's a really straightforward person. I wonder why he's not going out with any of the girls in the school. But hearing him say that I was, to him, a real friend…who wouldn't give in to him? "Jealous, are we?"

He smirks, "Whatever, ichigo."

* * *

><p><strong>Ikuto's POV<strong>

"_Ikuto-kun," calls Dia. _

"_H-hai?" I put on a determined look, ready to help her in any way. _

"_Are you happy?" _

_I look down to the floor. "Well, mom just passed away. Dad says it's okay not to be happy." _

"_Your mom wouldn't want you to be sad, Ikuto-kun. You should try to live your life to the fullest; your mom would love if you did that. After all, there are a lot of opportunities for you out there, you're still young." _

"_But, I __**am**__ living –"_

"_Are you happy?"_

"_Well, no. I d—"_

"_Then you're just breathing. You're not living if you're not entirely happy." _

I twist the knob of the shower to turn it off. I step out and grab a towel, feeling slightly dazed. The field trip today was…interesting. It wasn't really fun at all; the whole day, I kept feeling that Amu was hiding something from me. If that Hotori kid _is_ the father of this yet-to-be-confirmed pregnancy, then I'm going to shoot him.

I put on a shirt and some boxers and proceed to stare at myself in the mirror. I then dry my hair with the towel and leave it on the counter to piss Utau off. I made my way to the west room, passing by Utau along the hall.

"Did you hang your towel on the rack?"

"Yeah," I assure her. I reach the door to the west room and snicker. I go inside but not before hearing Utau yell a profanity at me. And I close the door shut.

"Your daughter's got a truck driver's mouth, mom." I walk to her picture and sit down in front of it.

"I really miss you," I touch her face on the picture through the glass of the frame. "I went on a fieldtrip today; we went to a strawberry farm. I was partners with Hinamori Amu."

"I'm sorry it took me so long to come back here and talk to you about her. I find her really…vague. She agreed to go out with the class president. Not that I'm jealous or anything but you should see him, mom. He's thin and he's not as tall as me. And he looks kinda girly, too. I don't really get why Amu agreed to go on a date with him."

I smile a bit. "She's really pretty, mom. And she cooks well, too. She likes tea."

"She's also dad's patient."

"…So please help her. I know you can. I don't want her to feel depressed, mom. She's too young and beautiful to feel depressed."

"Okay, I'm sorry; I sound like a girl."

"You'll like her hair, mom…"

"It's pink."

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><p><strong>Ooooohh. So there you have it :D <strong>

**Reviews inspire me to write and update. They're also very much appreciated :3**


	13. Chapter 13

**I was jumping up and down, squealing like a little pig when I read all the reviews the last chapter got. Thank you very much, you all make me so very happy! Please enjoy chapter 13 c:**

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><p><strong>Amu's POV<strong>

"Focus."

"Stay calm."

"Stop sweating."

"Shut the fuck up, Amu." Rima calls from one of the stalls. We were currently in the girls' bathroom. Rima was taking yet another pregnancy test; she still couldn't get over the fact. Or maybe she developed some weird fetish. I, however, was getting my shit together. Classes had just ended and Tadase-kun said he would wait for me by the gate.

"How can I shut the fuck up when I'm going on a date with Tadase-kun?" I panic.

"It's easy, shut your mouth." She emerges from the stall, glaring at a small white stick. She takes a deep breath once she's sure that there was a plus sign. "Motherfucker."

"Peeing on more white sticks won't change anything, Rima." I look at her in the mirror. She was still glaring at the stick. "Ew, throw that away. It's like touching your pee." In a span of one day, my relationship with Rima returned to normal. It's not like I wanted to be alone or anything, I'm actually glad that I have someone to talk to other than Ikuto. But I haven't told Rima about…anything yet.

"If you don't shut up, I'm going to paint your face with this stick."

And the bathroom becomes silent.

"Seriously, how am I supposed to handle all this? I'm going to get huge, Amu. _Huge_. I'm too small to be carrying this thing inside me. It might be too heavy for me; I might fall off or something. OHMYGOSH…I'm going to be hideous and I'm gonna have to stop going to schoo –"

"Rima, calm down."

"—and holy shit I am never having sex ever again – "

"Rima – "

" – I'm gonna have morning sickness and I'm gonna crave for things. Just like the movies!"

"Calm d—"

"I'm not ready for that shit!"

I was about to say something but the door flys open and Rima immediately tosses the stick somewhere near the stalls, never to be found…she hopes. Rima gives me a look and washes her hands. I awkwardly play with my hair as I wait for her. Two sophomores I don't really recognize were laughing about something and didn't mind us at all. Rima and I were thankful for that.

We walk out the bathroom. "Really, Amu. I don't think I can – "

"Yo."

We came face to face with Ikuto. "Ne, ichigo." He pats my head. "Shrimp." He sneers at Rima.

"Old man," Rima sighs. "I'll see you later, Amu." She walks away to her and Nagihiko's classroom but not before sticking her tongue out at Ikuto with a glare.

"Such a lovely little thing you have there." He mutters sarcastically.

"She's my best friend, Ikuto." I start walking towards the stairs to meet up with Tadase-kun. "What're you still doing here? Shouldn't you be heading home?"

He hands me a foldable umbrella, a blue one. "Dad said it might rain a little, and I noticed that you didn't bring an umbrella."

I was dumbfounded. "What about you…?"

"Well, I'm heading home right away." We turn left to the stairs going down four flights. "You'll need it more than I do. Plus, I don't like the idea of you sharing an umbrella with that Hotori kid."

"He's not a kid, Ikuto. He's our classmate."

He just rolls his eyes. "Whatever, I'm not taking any chances. Who knows what'll happen when you share umbrellas. He might get your pregnant or something," He says rather seriously.

"You're crazy." I sigh. We were walking on the ground floor now, making our way to the gate. A lot of girls and a few guys said bye to Ikuto. I wasn't really phased or surprised.

"Crazy for you." He winks.

"You never stop."

"I guess this is where I leave you with your boyfie." Tadase-kun comes into view. His hands were on either of his sides, one holding his book bag. The wind was in his hair and…can it get any dreamier than this? This was it. This was finally it. Things were going my way and I might actually get home happy today.

"Boyfie? Whatever, Ikuto. Keep your shoujo manga terms to yourself."

"Use protection, ichigo." He waves me off and starts walking past Tadase-kun.

"What did you just s—" but he already made his way out, turning left; the wall was now blocking my view.

"Hi, Amu-chan," Tadase-kun greets. "Lovely weather today, isn't it?"

I look up to the sky, but it's too windy so almost all my hair goes to my face. I push them aside, holding a few strands with my fingers to get a better view of the sky. The clouds were a dark grey and it really looks like it's going to rain. "I guess you could say that." I smile a little and we start walking. Cheesy as it is, I just can't help but smile around him, it's like there's something pressuring me. But I don't know what. "So…where are we going?"

* * *

><p>Café Nyan was a cute little place complete with the brick walls and dainty little chairs. There were booths; red cushioned sofas and light brown tables. And then our servers were waitresses. No waiters. Just females. Zero males. The thought of Tadase-kun hanging out here alone made me shudder.<p>

But this place was overall cute and it would be a place where you find Rima or Ami. Not two high school students on a d-…can I say date?

"_Will you go out with me?" _

My cheeks instantly heat up.

"Amu-chan, is there anything wrong?" Tadase-kun looks at me with a worried expression. His hands slide across the table, as if to hold mine but I instantly pull back. He might think I have rough hands. Or maybe my palms are sweating too much. Shit, now he thinks I hate him since I pulled my arm away. Crap! How awkward can I get?

"U-uhm, nothing! Nothing at all." I try to laugh. But I was really nervous about this whole thing, so the stuttering was inevitable. I bet he thinks my smile is weird. I look down to my plate and stare at the strawberry cheese tart.

"Oh, I see." He says, rather unimpressed. Shit, shit, shit. I've done it now he's never going to ask for a second date. I knew it! I just knew it; I wasn't meant for this shit at all. "I think Amu-chan is really like a lady. You seem so reserved and sophisticated." Well, fuck. "Just like my grandmother."

_Way to go, Hinamori. You scored big time. The guy sees his grandmother in you; this'll get you far. Really, __**really**__, far. If only Tadase-kun knew how much of a lady you really are. He'll dump you for sure—_

"Oh really? What's she like?" I tried to make conversation. As awkward as it is talking about his grandmother, this was the only way I had out. The voices were irritating.

"She's dead."

_Yup, you really scored this time. You should add that to your bio: Hinamori Amu, single, interested in; men, qualities; I'm just like your deceased grandmother…I'm totally your type!_

I liked you guys better when you weren't talking.

_Aww. We like you, too. _

"Oh, I'm sorry…" I try to look at the window. But he was really staring at me, like he was watching me. And it made me feel really uncomfortable. "I didn't mean to…I- I didn't know….I" I take a deep sigh. "Sorry."

He smiles. "It's alright. I'm sure she would've loved to meet you."

Yeah, maybe, when I'm in heaven, too.

_Or hell. _

"Ah, let me tell you all about her." He suggests enthusiastically. How could turn him down? I bet Rima would tell him to 'shut the fuck up' as soon as he starts talking. It's a good thing I'm not Rima.

"G-Go ahead." I try to smile.

**An hour later**

"Everyone in the family was really sad when she died."

It's been an hour already and sure enough our plates and glasses were empty. We have been talking about – correction, _Tadase-kun_ has been talking about the lovely Grandma Hotori and the lovely Grandma Hotori alone. And maybe a little bit of Betty, too. His _oh so wonderful_ dog.

"How unfortunate…" was all I could say.

"Yeah," He smiles a small smile. "Waitress!" He calls. He takes out his wallet, ready for the bill. I don't think this would be too much on his wallet, I mean, a high school student's wallet doesn't have much money inside but after hearing the life changing story about Grandma Hotori, I've gathered enough information to assume that the person taking me out today was a rich kid. "Oh, Amu-san,"

"Hai?"

"I didn't get a chance to tell you yesterday but I think your sweater's really pretty on you. The maroon one, I mean. It goes well with your hair." Then he goes and compliments me out of the blue; making it impossible for me to dislike him one bit.

"Th-Thanks." I blush.

He pays the bill and we sit there for a while, talking about our social action paper. "What're you doing your paper on?" He asks.

"Oh, I'm not sure yet. The proposal's not due until November so I'm not really bothering with my paper yet."

"Oh," He looks unimpressed again. What was I thinking? A procrastinating bum like me shouldn't be even going on a date with the class president. Well, I wasn't much of a delinquent but I'm still surprised he asked me out. I mean, I would think he was too high for my standards. Out of my league, shit like that.

_You are so out of his league. Way out of it. _

I bet the voices are having fun as I degrade myself.

_Too much fun, maybe. _

"I've started on mine already. I'm doing mine about study habits."

"Oh, that seems interesting…"

"Yeah, I'm sure you'll find a good topic, Amu-chan." He stands up. "I'll walk you home."

"Ah," I stand up; I look around my surroundings by instinct and glance at the window for a while. "It's raining." I absolutely love rain. No sarcasm here. I love walking under it, with an umbrella, of course. I love watching it, listening to it, you name it. I especially love sleeping while it's raining. This is why I love Septembers and Octobers; it rains a lot during these months, and I just love it.

"I'll have my driver pick us up." He brings out his cellphone and texts away.

"Ah, I don't mind walking—"

"Nonsense."

So I just stand there awkwardly.

_Awkwardness __**is **__your specialty. _

We sit down again and he starts conversation. "You and Tsukiyomi-san seem pretty close." He smiles and my heart skips a beat. And I'm sure it's because of his smile and not because he mentioned Ikuto.

"Um, yeah. I guess you could say that." I laugh nervously. Does he think I'm going out with Ikuto? Does he think _I_ like Ikuto? Does he think _Ikuto_ likes me? Okay, scratch that. Quickly! I should say something that will somehow erase those thoughts from Tadase-kun's head. "He reads shoujo manga."

_Smooth. Really smooth. _

"And he likes to eat my lunch sometimes…most of the time." I quickly add. But Tadase-kun just stares at me. "Ah, why are we even talking about him?" I laugh nervously.

"My driver's here."

* * *

><p>The car comes to a stop and Tadase opens the door to his left and steps out with an umbrella. I scoot to where he sat before and step out of the car, too. We were in front of my apartment now and it was time for goodbye.<p>

_You should kiss him. _

Now, I'm not an expert on dating and relationships but I think I've learned some stuff from Rima whenever she rants to me about Nagihiko. But I don't know enough, I mean, this is my first date ever and this is obviously the farthest I've been to when it comes to experience and oh god if Tadase-kun could just hear me now, talking to myself he'd think I was weird and all that and –

He starts walking towards the shaded area of my apartment and I follow quickly, not wanting to get wet since he was holding the umbrella.

"_You'll need it more than I do. Plus, I don't like the idea of you sharing an umbrella with that Hotori kid."_

I giggle a little at the memory and hoped that Tadase-kun was too distracted by the rain to reach the shade and he puts the umbrella down. He then faces me. "I had a good time, Amu-chan."

"Yeah, me too. Thanks for the tarts and all." I smile at him.

"I guess I'll be taking my leave then…"

"Am I supposed to hug you?"

Holy.

Crap.

Did I just ask him that? I swear, once I get inside, I am going to shoot myself—

"Um…you don't have to if you don't want to…"

"Ah."

A few seconds have past and I slap myself. "Ah!" I say again. "Sorry, sorry." I clench my fist and reach it out near him. "Bro fist?"

"Um, sure."

And we bump fists.

**Ikuto's POV**

"I can't believe you did that!" I laugh out loud. Amu was too cute, bumping fists with the class president and actually asking if she should hug him. I had nothing to worry about all along; Amu was too shy and inexperienced for her own good. But she kept saying shit about being awkward and all that and she kept degrading herself. That part wasn't funny.

It was 7:30 in the evening, Monday. I was on Amu's couch on one side while she took up the rest of the space. Her head was resting on a pillow on the other end of the couch so her feet were resting on my lap. I wouldn't really say I scored this time; she was crying about another guy. And she was in her pj's. This had gay best friend written all over it and I wasn't going for that at all.

"Shoot me now, please! Just shoot me!" She sobs. Her voice was crystal clear to me despite the raging storm outside and her waterworks were up and running. I sigh. Tsk, the things I do for her…

"Stop crying, ichigo. _You'll look ugly_." She stops sobbing and her eyes widen at this.

And she cries even more, sobs even louder. "Fuck all of this, why did I even agree to go out with him? It's like torturing myself. I'm way out of his league and oh god I'm so stupid."

"Don't – "

"And I was awkward as fuck, too! Ikuto, he compared me to his grandmother. His _deceased _grandmother. That's saying something, you know! Holy shit I don't want to be a mother figure or whatever to him. Stupid rich kid…"

I don't speak since I know she's not finished. "Oh god, but he's so cute and handsome and perfect and I want him to ask me out again but who the fuck am I kidding who would want to ask me out on a second date and I just…suck so much at life it's not even funny anymore."

I would say that I'm happy she's opening up to me like this, comfortable and all. But the fact that she was crying made me very uneasy…and her feet were rather close to my..um, er, lower region so I lift her feet up and slide a throw pillow under it. Much, much better. But I'm still going to kill this Hotori kid for making her cry. But it's not technically his fault since Amu _is_ a depressed teenager who is super insecure…but still; he was a triggering factor to her depression and oh god I sound like my dad.

"Ikuto," she whines. "Am I hideous?"

"What? No, you're –"

"I can't believe I actually asked him if I was supposed to hug him! Who does that?" She sobs some more. "Rima's going to kill me and tease me for life once I tell her all the details." My ears perk up at that. She hasn't told her best friend about this whole thing with the class president. I mean, girls usually tell their girl best friends first, right? Or maybe I _am_ heading towards the gay best friend zone…

"Don't dwell on it too much, ichigo," I assure her with my newfound confidence. Telling me first about her date made me feel like I was closer to her or maybe that she was accepting me in some way. "If you're really meant to date Hotori then I'm sure things will go the way they're supposed to." I pat her feet. "Plus, if he really genuinely _does_ like you, then he should accept you however you are."

She sits up and hugs me, crying into my shirt, and the throw pillow falls to the floor in the process. The position was really awkward and she was too upset to even notice it. So I sit her on my lap. "But what if he doesn't like me the way I am?" She asks like a little girl.

I can't believe I'm saying this. "It's too early, Amu. Since all you guys really talked about today was his grandmother, I suggest you give him another chance to get to know you more…maybe another date?" I gulp.

"What if he doesn't –"

"Then forget him."

"What?" She looks up from my shirt to face me. Her eyes were all red and puffy.

"Forget him. There are a lot of other guys out there, Amu. Hotori isn't the only _perfect_ guy out there, surely. Maybe there's some other guy out there…someone who's perfect for _you_."

She just stares at me for a while.

And then she goes back to lie down on the couch, crying and cursing at the ceiling. I move her feet and stand up. "I'll make some tea."

She looks up at me, a little startled, and smiles a small smile. "Thanks, Ikuto." She sniffles. "You're the best."

And my heart skips a beat.

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><p><strong>Reviews are appreciated :3<strong>


	14. Chapter 14

**Please enjoy this chapter, though it's not as long as the previous chapters!**

* * *

><p><strong>Amu's POV<strong>

I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling. My head was throbbing and I felt more Japanese than ever; I could feel that my eyes were swelling. I also notice that the nape of my neck was soaking in sweat and so were my chest and thighs. Waking up to a hot morning was rare. Really rare, since it was nearing October. I kick off the blanket, getting up from my bed, and see that it's 5:15 in the morning. School starts in 3 hours so there's no use in going back to sleep.

I grab my towel and my uniform, ready for a cold morning shower. I head into the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. I was hideous. I suppose the shower would fix up my face a little but I don't think it would do that much.

Maybe I should try putting a spoon on my eye to stop the swelling. I hear that stuff really works. Maybe my eyes would go back to normal and people wouldn't stare. Something catches my eye, interrupting my morning rounds. The scissors to my left were mocking me. It's just sitting there, waiting. Waiting to be used. Used on what? My skin. I haven't cut my thighs in a while. I'm sure there's more space now I could use.

So I grab the scissors and sit on the countertop.

I'm sorry, Dr. Aruto.

_5:48 a.m._

I step out of the bathroom in my checkered boxer shorts and pale pink bra but the sudden change in temperature made me regret doing so. I look out the window and see it was storming outside. Great. 'After immense heat comes rain.' That stuff was obviously true. A bagel and some tea sound perfect so I make my way to the kitchen which was connected to the living room. I'll just put on a sweater after breakfast or something.

"Good morning," I greet Shinigami-chan. He was waiting patiently by his bowl so I decide to feed him first.

After opening a can of cat food for him, I proceed to my fridge and grab a bagel. Stuffing the cold bread in my mouth, I opened one of my few cupboards and reached for the tea. But it was on a higher shelf than where I always used to put it. Then I try to remember the last time I actually made tea until a long hand comes from behind me, reaching out for the tea. The hand was just above my head, and it had no problems with getting my box of tea bags.

"Thanks," I mumble. I turn around and come face to face with navy blue cotton. That's weird…I'm sure cotton materials don't have hands. So I look up, and see sapphire eyes.

"Good morning," Ikuto greets.

"Good morning." I stare at him. Then I see that his eyes travel down. And I realize that the only things I have on are—

"I like your boxers."

"Thanks, they're my favorite— wait, why are you here? You didn't come home with me after school for any projects because I had a date with Tadase-kun."

He just stares at me.

"Oh. My. God." My eyes widen. "I _had a date_ with _Tadase-kun_."

I close my eyes and facepalm. And I remember _everything_.

"The storm was that bad?" I peek from my hands to look up at Ikuto.

"Yeah, dad said it was too dangerous to go home with the weather and you insisted that I stay here for the night."

"But I didn't see you when I woke up—"

"You have a very comfortable couch." He adds genuinely.

"Oh."

"Y-yeah." He stammers. He coughs and averts his gaze to another direction. And you could see a faint color of pink on his cheeks.

"What's wrong?" I ask him. But he doesn't say anything. He just points his slender index finger into a direction my eyes follow and I see that he is pointing at my chest. He was being all shy about this? I didn't want to step ahead or anything but I kinda consider Ikuto as one of my closest friends now. Two weeks aren't much but if you spend almost every hour of almost every day with a person, two weeks were enough. "Oh."

He then proceeds to cover his eyes with his hands.

"Look at me." I tell him.

"Ikuto," he looks down at me with an expression that of a child's when he breaks a vase and has to face his mother. His cheeks are now a deep, deep red. "We're practically _best friends_. And you know more about me than my actual parents or anyone else. If you're gonna see me cry about a boy or in my pjs or whatever side of me you've already seen, then I don't think you'd have a problem of seeing me in my underwear."

He closes his eyes, turning his head to the left as if it would help to shield him from my half-naked body. "I am a gentleman. I am a gentleman. I am a gentleman." He chants to himself. He then heads off to the other side of the kitchen, far away from me, almost hyperventilating.

I raise up both my arms, as if to back off. "Sorry for giving you cooties. I didn't know you were allergic to girls or anything." I say sarcastically. "And here I thought you were a pervert."

He smirks at this. "My, my. A little kinky are, we? What were you expecting me to do, Amu?"

I sigh, seeing that the old Ikuto is back. "I take it back. You _are_ a pervert."

"You're feeling rather _bold_ today…no pun intended."

I give him a sarcastic look. And he throws his arms up like how I did a while ago, as if he was backing off. "Okay, okay. I didn't say anything."

I roll my eyes and make my way to the bedroom. "Would you mind checking the TV for news, Ikuto? Classes might get suspended today." I open my closet and pick out a beige knitted sweater that went just above my knees. I've had a strange fetish for dresses ever since forever. But the skirts had to stop once my thighs became…occupied. Plus, the scars on my thighs today were fresh. So I think it would be okay not to wear anything underneath since the sweater was long and decent enough.

I hear the faint sound of news anchors on TV as I pull the garment over my head. "Any news?" I shout out.

I walk out, now dressed. "Classes for all levels today are suspended prior to heavy rains and winds. A typhoon is expected, coming from the south and—" Ikuto then mutes the TV. "My dad texted me."

"Uhuh…"

"He says it's still not safe to go home with the weather like that."

"I don't mind," I tell him. I sit on the couch – Ikuto seated on the other end – and place my feet on his lap again, resting my head on a throw pillow by the other end of the couch. Much like last night. I take a deep sigh. "I like your company."

"The feeling is mutual." He slouched a little so that his head could rest on the backrest of the couch. He then faces me, the right side of his face leaning on the cool leather.

I stare at him. "You know…"

"Hm?" He stares at me, too.

"My mom wasn't really there for me when I was a kid." He's quiet, but his eyes tell me he's listening. "So I wouldn't say I grew up to be a proper lady raised by her mother. But father did help me. He taught me everything he knew. How to make friends and how to be polite and all that. He taught me how almost everything works and how other people go about their day. But he left out the part about how babies were made. " I chuckle a little but it soon fades away and I sigh heavily. "My father…my father said that the only places where I was allowed to cry were in the bathroom," I sit up and scoot closer to Ikuto. "And in his arms."

He opens his mouth, as if to say something, but he closes it again and waits for me to start talking again. "So I would just like to say thank you." I then lean in and kiss his cheek. "Because of you, I didn't have to spend last night crying on the bathroom floor."

I'm sure now; Ikuto is someone to be trusted. He is selfless and mature despite his mannerisms. He doesn't let anyone down no matter what and is a somewhat decent individual. He never pries and when he does, it's for the better. He thinks I'm worth it. _He_ is worth it.

"I think…" I stare at him. I see that he's facing the TV in front of us. "I think I can trust you." He turns back to face me. "Would you do the honor and carry the burden of being my best friend?"

"It's really awkward of you to be asking that, Amu. You're supposed to let these things happen naturally." He chuckles. "But, yes; I would have the absolute honor of being your best friend." He's smiling and I find myself smiling, too. "I promise I won't let you down."

* * *

><p><strong>First Monday of November<strong>

**Ikuto's POV**

"Please enlighten me," Utau is by the doorway of my room. I just got home from school, clearly frustrated and unsatisfied…for the 92385639th time. It's been a month – more or less – and I've been closer to Amu than anyone ever. I'm not exaggerating, really. She uses Ichigo Hime for her shampoo and some whitening herbal soap she buys at the grocery store ten minutes away from her apartment. She hates doing laundry. She hates ironing. She loves Earl Grey tea. She loves her cat. She wears her favorite grey boots almost every time we go out. She loves yakisoba. I can write a _book _about her. "But how are you two not a couple?"

Her eyebrows are knitted together, also frustrated. I was lying on my bed, face down, and let out a sigh. "'Oh my gosh, Ikuto. You're the best friend ever and I don't want things to ever change. I'm so happy I have someone like you to take care of me.'" I quote for her. I sit up and glare at Utau. "Is this some sort of revenge from you? Are you trying to make me suffer by having me to constantly remind myself that all Amu will ever want to be is friends?"

She narrows her eyes at me, "I'm not that much of a devil, Ikuto." She leans on the doorframe.

"How did your recording go today?"

Usually, she would smile when asked about her work and how her day was going. Utau loved attention. The good kind, I assure you. But she's just staring at me with a poker face now. "It went well but that's not what we're talking about here."

"Well even if I could do something about it…I can't."

"Wha—"

"She has a boyfriend."

"Is it that blonde kid we saw her with one time?"

"Yup."

"I thought he was a girl." I go back to my previous position. Face down. "Well…he's cute."

"Get out of my room," I tell her. "Go make dad a sandwich or something."

"I try, I really do." She says mostly to herself as she walks away. I hear feet shuffling and see that she's back at my door again. "Okay, I just couldn't stay away. You've been like this since forever and I it breaks my heart to see you like this – "

"Bullsh—"

"And I just want to help you." She finishes with a cheeky smile.

I lie on my back, staring at the ceiling. "Well, there's not much I could really do about this whole thing, Utau. I wouldn't want to play the bad person and break them up." She just stares at me this time. As if she was waiting for me to say more. As if she expected me to say something else. "What?"

"I was waiting for you to say something like 'But she's happy so I'll just be there for her' or some shit like that."

"Oh." Was all I say.

"Does this blonde kid even help her with her depression and all?"

"Well, he doesn't know about that – "

"And they've been together for almost how long?"

"_Ikuto he asked me out again!" Her palms were flat on my desk. I was sitting, reading a Code Geass manga. "Up on the roof! Just now!" She obviously couldn't contain her joy. Her eyes were happy and excited. And my heart sinks at this. Because I clearly wasn't the reason for her happiness this time. _

"_You see, ichigo? I told you to just give it some time." I smile up at her and pat her head. _

"He made it official on the second Tuesday of October." I tell her flatly.

"The fact that you know exact date is pathetic, Ikuto." She giggles.

"Don't make me throw a book at you."

She holds her hands up in defense. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

It felt like pre-school all over again. Arguing over crayons with my best friend Souma Kuukai. Just like the box of colorful mediums, Hinamori Amu wasn't owned by anyone. But now, this lame kid has her in his arms. And I want nothing more than to take her away from him. But all I could do is play the part of her best friend.

All I could do is watch.

* * *

><p><strong>The following day at lunch<strong>

"I'm glad I still get to have lunch with you like this." She tells before popping an asparagus wrapped in bacon in her mouth.

"Is there any reason not to?" I stop eating and put down my chopsticks. I sip at my box of chocolate milk, staring at her intently.

"Don't stare at me like that," She narrows her eyes at me. But she shrugs it off, like how she always does. "There's no reason…I guess. Tadase-kun's busy almost all the time with being class president and all…" She trails off, staring at her food. I just raise my eyebrows at her, urging her to continue. "But even if he wasn't busy, I'd still eat lunch with you."

"Please, do enlighten me."

"I'd never leave you like that, Ikuto." She assures me with a smile. I feel that my heart is pounding in my chest. "You're my best friend." And I die a little inside.

"I know that already." I give her a small smile. 'I'll wait for you,' I want to tell her.

But all I could do is watch and hope.

* * *

><p><strong>Reviews are appreciated :3<strong>


	15. Chapter 15

**I apologize deeply for the delay. Writer's block, and school just started. So sorry.**

* * *

><p><strong>Amu's POV<strong>

"Ne, Ikuto." I call out. Ikuto and I were at the mall on this chilly Saturday. I have a session with Dr. Aruto later in the afternoon and as usual Ikuto couldn't wait to see me, well, that's how he says it. So he decides that we have lunch out before going to his house and that's how I ended up here in a music store.

"Mhmm?" He was looking at some violins.

"Your birthday's near." He hears this and turns his attention to me but he doesn't say anything. Instead, he raises a brow. "December 1st, right?" I ask him. I can't read his face. Lately, it's been hard understanding him. I mean, he hasn't changed completely and we're still best friends and we still tell each other anything…well most of the time I tell him everything. That's another thing, he seems distant now. It's like I'm the only one of the two of us who has a life. I still know stuff that's going on in their house since I'm there every weekend but when it comes to his social life, it's like it doesn't exist at all.

One time, Ikuto and I were walking home when this redhead popped out of nowhere. And, no; I'm not talking about Yamabuki Saaya. Souma Kuukai wasn't someone unknown to me. In fact, almost the whole school knows him. He's on the school's soccer team, MVP last year, and he's still only a sophomore. There's really nothing wrong with him but I sort of didn't like how he was so familiar with Ikuto. I've never seen the both of them together before. Maybe they got acquainted when I wasn't around or maybe I was with Tadase-kun.

"Why are we even here?" I ask him irritably. "You don't even play an instrument."

He ignores me, still, and makes his way to the exit. "Let's go eat," He says. I narrow my eyes at him. Why is he acting so cold? I glare at the floor as I walk to the exit, clearly frustrated with him. Before I even get to the door, I hear his footsteps come to a stop. So I look up to make sure if—

"Oomph!" My face hits his back instantly. "Hey!"

"Amu-chan?" I peek from behind Ikuto – who's just standing there, and I catch him glaring a bit—and see that we've run into Tadase-kun.

"Tadase-kun!" My mood immediately escalates. Now, most girlfriends would run up and greet their boyfriends with a kiss but Tadase-kun and I weren't really that intimate…given the fact that we were still both sort of awkward with each other. But I'm guessing most of the awkwardness comes from me. I mean, we've gone as far as kissing each other on the cheek and we haven't really ever held hands before. I hope he's okay with this, I mean, with just being with me.

That's one thing I'm scared of. Usually, you would think that when a depressed person gets into a relationship with someone, that someone would make all the pain and depression go away. But being with Tadase-kun makes me feel insecure…at times. And insecurity has already been there before and being with him just adds to it. And sometimes the scars add up, too. So, I'm still not entirely better; hence, my sessions with Dr. Aruto. But Tadase-kun does help me…in a way. He keeps me occupied and the probabilities of the voices or having rounds popping up have lessened. So, I could say everything's pretty normal right now.

"Blondie." Except for Ikuto. "I'll meet you at the food court, Amu." He then stares at Tadase-kun with a poker face.

"I don't think I'll be long—"

"Whatever." He then walks away to the direction of the food court. I let out a very exasperated sigh. Ikuto's being very difficult, acting like a child.

"I'm sorry about that." I smile at Tadase-kun.

"No it's alright." He smiles back and color instantly fills my cheeks. "So, what're you doing here, Amu-chan?"

"Oh, nothing. Just hanging out with Ikuto, like usual."

"Oh." He says unimpressed. "You guys…do this all the time?"

Then I think for a minute. I'm only with Rima when she needs me with her pregnancy issue and all, which isn't really much since she has Nagihiko and her parents. So that leaves Ikuto, since Utau and I don't really hang out together. And the fact that I'm socially awkward concludes that my friend count doesn't go past five. "Isn't that what best friends do…?"

"Oh, so you're with Mashiro-san?" He asks, liking the idea.

"Um, no. It's just Ikuto and I."

"I see."

"So what're you doing here, Tadase-kun?" I see that he isn't comfortable with the Ikuto subject. He never is. I try my best not to talk about Ikuto all the time when I'm around Tadase-kun and I can say that I wasn't failing on that part. But even the tiniest, slightest hint of my best friend would send Tadase-kun on some king dominating warfreak mode. So I change the subject.

"Ah, just here to buy some supplies for homeroom. Nikkaidou-sensei's really busy lately with winter break coming up. So, I volunteered to run some errands for him." Always the perfect Tadase-kun. Always so nice, so handsome, so perfect. Really like a prince.

"Oh, that's really thoughtful." I compliment him. I see that his cheeks are a slight pink. But I was no different; I could practically feel my cheeks burning. And an awkward ambiance envelops us. "I-I guess I'll get going now…Ikuto must be waiting for me, hungry." I stare down at my overused grey boots.

"Y-yeah, we wouldn't want to keep Tsukiyomi-kun waiting."

"See you around, Tadase-kun." I smile at him.

He smiles too, but he kisses my cheek before I get to the exit. "I'll see you around, Amu-chan."

* * *

><p>"What took you so long?" I grin sheepishly at a very irritated and hungry Ikuto.<p>

"He and I sort of chatted for a while." I pull a chair and take a seat. Ikuto has his chin rested on his palm, clearly bored. "I'm sorry," I tell him. "I'll treat you to some ice cream if that helps."

"Did you guys make out?"

"Wha – "

"Did you guys _make out_?"

"No!" I fume, blushing madly at how casually he wants to discuss this.

"Really, he didn't even walk you here. Tsk, tsk. It would've been the perfect moment for him to hold hands with you."

"W-We d-don't hold h-hands." I stare at the metallic table.

"What? How far have you guys even gone?"

"K-kiss." I can't believe I'm telling him this. But Ikuto's my best friend.

"So you guys _did_ make out." He smirks.

"No, you pervert! We just kiss each other—"

"Ooooohh."

"—on the cheek!"

His smirk is then replaced with an unimpressed look.

"What?"

He sighs. "I guess I'm going to have to teach you then."

"Teach me what?"

"You'll see." He waves off and stands up. "Now let's get that ice cream." He walks toward the many stalls found in the food court and I stand up to catch up with him. I'm already by his side when his left hand grabs my right one. I expected that he was going to run and pull me…but we were just walking.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm holding your hand." He grips it tighter and I don't mind since it's kind of cold here in the mall. There's only a week before December comes. So that means there's only a week before Ikuto's birthday. And I have yet to find him the perfect birthday gift. "You're such a pervert, Amu. Staring at me like that…" He smirks at me.

I snap out of my daze and realize that I _was_ staring at him. But, "You stared back. That means you're a pervert, too!" He doesn't say anything; instead he just rolls his eyes. We come to a stop and I see that we're at an ice cream kiosk. The guy working there looked about 20-ish to me. He had this bored expression on but once he realized we were here his eyes darted immediately to my hair.

"Hi," I tell him. "We'd like two cones, please." Then his eyes travel down to my chest. Now, I'm not the most gifted girl in the world, nor was I the flattest of rice fields, I was normal. Except for my odd pink hair. And I get that sometimes people like to stare at it. But staring at my non-existent watermelons was just out of the question. "Excuse me," I snap my fingers at him. "My face is over here."

He quickly recovers and leans over the counter. "What can I get _you_, beautiful?" His hand reaches to cup my face and I'm ready to slap it away.

"Touch her and I'll kill you." Warns Ikuto.

"Whoa, man." The guy backs up. "Chill, dude. I was just complimenting her."

"Two ice creams, both on cones, one strawberry and one chocolate." Ikuto grits his teeth. He gets his wallet out and slides two hundred yen coins in exchange for the ice cream. He expertly holds them in one hand and drags me away from the kiosk with his other.

"I was supposed to pay for—"

"If a guy touches you or _even looks at you_ that way, don't hesitate to call me." He hands me the strawberry cone and I mutter a thanks. "I'll try to be by your side more often this time."

"Whatever, Ikuto. You're just making excuses. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were secretly in love with me." I joke to lighten up the mood.

"I'd say you're right."

"Wait, what?" I stop walking. He then looks back at me and smirks. "You're joking! Whatever, Ikuto. You're really good at acting all serious and stuff." He then turns back to the direction we were walking in and sighs.

"That's for me to know and for you to find out."

* * *

><p>My list of likes is something I haven't touched since the day I made it. It's been hanging on my fridge by a magnet for a month or two now and Dr. Aruto specifically told me to bring it today.<p>

"I see it's in the same condition as last time," Says said doctor, unimpressed. I grin sheepishly and blush a bit in embarrassment. "Amu-san, we agreed that you make with this list as a sort of therapy for you, to see the good things in the world."

"I'm sorry," I murmur. "It slipped my mind."

"You must remember that I can't be the only one to help you. You play a big part, Amu-san, you have to help yourself, too. Because in the end it all comes down to you." He exasperates a sigh. He then shakes his head. "It's alright for now; you seem to be doing better than before. I assume it's because of the new boyfriend?"

I blush even more at this. "U-um, he keeps me distracted so—"

"Oh?"

"Yes, instead of lying around the house having rounds, I spend some time talking to him. We go out sometimes, too."

"Well, it's healthy for you; that's for sure." He says unimpressed. "Have you stopped cutting?" He asks casually.

"I, uh—I don't do it as much as I did before…that's an improvement, right?"

"A very small improvement," He says. I frown in disappointment and he sees this. "Nevertheless, still an improvement." He smiles reassuringly. "Have you been following your dosage?"

"Yes." I hesitate.

"Amu-san…" He warns. "Have you been following your dosage?" He asks me again.

"I-I…." I take a deep sigh and lie down on the couch. There was point in lying to Dr. Aruto. "I overdosed one time…when Tadase-kun and I had a…misunderstanding of sorts."

He looks at me disapprovingly. "Perhaps having a boyfriend right now isn't healthy for you at all, Amu-san."

"It only happened once." I mutter.

"What if it happens again?" He asks me and I am speechless. So I just look at him, my eyes asking him. "You know what to do." He tells me.

I'm gonna have to break up with Tadase-kun.

* * *

><p><strong>There you gooo :3<strong>


	16. Chapter 16

**Please enjoy this chapter!**

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><p><strong>Ikuto's POV<strong>

_A tall slender girl with long silky orange hair stood at the edge of a building's ledge. She breathed in the crisp air as the wind blew on her face. Her hair was flying everywhere, making it hard for her to see her goal: the bottom of the 20 story high building she decided to turn to in her darkest of times. She'd been to this building multiple times, mainly just to think. And most of the time she was alone but she wasn't this time. She took in another one of many deep breaths and looked down when the wind stopped blowing. _

"_Good bye, Ikuto." She says, smiling a small smile. _

_Where are you going, Dia? Why won't you look at me? Ikuto tried to open his mouth but nothing came out. What did come out was his ragged breathing from running and coming up the 19 flights of stairs as soon as he read Dia's letter. Ikuto tried to talk again, tried to stop her, but his legs wouldn't move and he was still voiceless. _

_Dia turned her head to face him. "Goodbye," she said again. Her body then fell forward as she let go of the railing. Ikuto ran to the railing and hopelessly just watched his friend fall. But something caught his eye, causing him to jolt awake from his dream. _

_Because he swore, instead of seeing Dia fall to her death, he saw Amu. _

The room is dark, and I hear rain pouring hard outside. I am sitting up from my bed, sweating gallons because of my unwanted nightmare. I stand up and face yet another day – fearing that I might lose the person I care for and love the most.

_Get your shit together, Ikuto._

"WAKE UUUP!" I prepare myself for the sensation to be felt when one goes deaf but I can, unfortunately, still hear my sister's unwanted vivacity.

"What do you want?" I am beyond irritated.

"Can't your sister greet you a happy birthday?" The door opens even wider and reveals now both my dad and sister. "Don't be such a grump, son. It's time for change!" He says with a kind smile. Dad was always the joking and caring one.

"Whatever."

"C'mon, Ikuto, you're super lucky today! Classes got suspended because of the snow!" She exclaims.

"Snow?"

"YES! Now, c'mon! I invited Amu over, too...SHOOT I FORGOT TO CALL HER!" She then dashes out to who knows where leaving my dad and I in an almost awkward silence.

"Happy birthday, son." He greets.

"Thanks, dad."

"I know it's your birthday and all," he sighs. Oh no, he's gonna ask me to run some errand for him. "But I need you to help me out." I raise my eyebrows at him, having not the slightest clue as to what he's talking about. "Amu-san…she's…"

My nightmare flashes again in my mind and I am instantly panicking. "What happened to her?" I ask a little bit too fast.

"I don't think it's anything you don't know. I assume she tells you everything?"

"It seems that way."

"Her wrists…are occupied."

I stop breathing at the foreign information. Amu slits her wrists? Of course, she's depressed! That's what majority of depressed people do! How could I be so stupid as to not notice this? "I…I didn't know that. She…She never told me—"

"Oh, dear."

"Is it critical? Has she lost a lot of blood?"

"No, nothing serious. But it will be if she doesn't stop. She…she can't help herself; she does at times but the child is too careless, Ikuto. I need your help with this one. You're the closest she has to family, I can see that."

"_We're_ the closest she has."

"Yes, now, there could be a lot of things Amu-san isn't telling me and that's what I would like to call a blind spot."

"You want me to be a snitch?" My stomach drops. I'm finally required for her therapy.

"Not a snitch. A confidant. I know you already are one to her but I need you to dig deeper for me."

She promised to trust me and she let me be her best friend. Therapy or no therapy, I would do everything it takes for her to tell me everything."I'll do it," I tell him. "I wanna know everything, too."

"That's great to hear. Thanks, son." He turns to leave but he stops with his back facing me. "It would be nice of you to play your violin today."

"…I'll think about it."

* * *

><p>"Happy birthday, Ikuto!" Amu stands in front of me at the doorway, wearing an oversized knitted maroon sweater and a skirt and of course, her trademark stockings and grey boots. She tiptoes and I lean down a bit so can she can reach my ear, I assumed she was going to whisper something to me. She then proceeds to kiss my cheek and I thank Kami-sama for my ability to keep on a poker face.<p>

"Thanks, Amu. Come on in." I notice that she pouts. I've been trying my best to keep my distance from her since I know the time we spend together isn't healthy for her, having a boyfriend and all. I try, I really do, but every time I try I come out as cold and passive. And I know it's making her worry even more. And worrying won't help her at all with anything.

_You asshole_, I scold myself.

We both step inside and she grabs the back of my shirt to stop me before we enter the kitchen where Utau and my dad were cooking lunch. I turn to face her, eyebrows raised.

A cheeky grin then creeps its way to her face. "This is for you, a birthday gift from me." She hands me a long paper bag. It's heavy…but a familiar kind of heavy. I peek inside.

And stare at disbelief.

"You got me a violin?"

"…you don't like it?"

"It's not that, how did you…?"

"Utau."

"Ah," I mutter in realization. "Figures. Where did you get the money?" I take the case out of the bag and zip it open. Inside was an almost cherry red violin. I stared at it in awe.

"Almost four years of shopping allowance. I don't really like shopping much." My eyes are still on the violin, stunned.

"But with that amount you could've bought something that you really wanted."

"Does your happiness count…?" She asks with a shy smile. This girl will be the death of me, as cliché as it sounds. "Really, Ikuto. I don't mind spending money. My family has an _amount_ of that already. And it's for a good cause, too."

"You don't have to take my happiness into account, you know…"

"But I want to; I don't think it's fair that you get to help me all the time but I don't get to buy you a birthday gift."

"Tsk, so stubborn." I shake my head at her. She giggles and I pull her into me in a hug with my one free arm. I look down to kiss the top of her head. "Thank you, I'll treasure this."

"Uhuh, you better." She teases.

* * *

><p>(Amu and Ikuto sit together facing Utau and Aruto)<p>

We are all seated at the dining table, the feast Utau and dad prepared was on the table before us.

"Alright, let's eat!" Utau then grabs the plate of pasta and generously puts some on Amu's plate.

"Oh," Amu blushes at Utau's hospitality. "Thank you."

"So," my sister starts. "What did you get Ikuto for his birthday?"

"She got me a violin." I answer for her. Utau almost drops the serving fork as dad chokes on his wine. Amu just sits there blushing in embarrassment.

"Wow! You must be really rich!" Utau says with her big mouth. "Buying a violin and being able to pay for the sessions!" She says, impressed.

I then try my best to kick her under the table. "OW!"

* * *

><p>"That was the most tiring lunch I've ever had." I fall down onto my bed and Amu sits on the edge. "How are you feeling? Have you taken your meds?"<p>

She rolls her eyes at me. "Yes, Ikuto. I've taken my meds." She then looks at the floor and sighs. "It just feels weird being in your house and not having to attend a session…"

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"…You know what I really want for my birthday?" I look up at her and she looks back at me, waiting for me to answer my own question. "I want you to tell me everything."

"But I do tell you everything." She says as a matter of factly.

I sit up and motion for her to come sit across me in the middle of my bed. Quickly, I grab her left hand and slide up her sleeve and I notice that she winces at this.

And there, on her wrists, were her battle scars on display.

We were quiet for some time, with me staring at her wrists while she had her head down low. Her breathing was shaky. I tried my best to remain calm for the both of us.

"How long?" I ask her.

She doesn't answer.

"How long?" I ask her again, my voice more firm than before.

"T-two years."

"Damnit, Amu!"

She winces at my sudden outburst. "I-…I-I'm s-sorry!"

"Well, I'll be damned if it can but 'sorry' _can't_ make the scars go away, Amu!"

Her brows furrow and her forehead creases. "Why are you so mad?" She asks in a demanding tone.

"Because you promised! You promised to trust me, you promised to tell me everything!"

"…I'm sorry…I-" She bit back a sob.

"Amu, don't –" And she starts crying. I do a facepalm and scold myself yet again. "Just…Just tell me why you hurt yourself."

"It's really shallow…"

"I don't care."

"But I wouldn't want to spoil your birthday with my lame issues, Ikuto."

"Trust me, _I want this_." I stare at her intently. "And your issues aren't lame."

She stares at me with her puffy eyes that I've seen almost a hundred million times already. Getting used to seeing her cry wasn't something nice at all. "I like to believe that…focusing on the physical pain will help me forget all the emotional ones." I stare at her, still, knowing that she has more to say. "I'm disappointed in myself, too. I feel like hurting myself is a need." She then continues to put her head in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably. "I'm so fucked up, Ikuto."

"Shh," I comfort her. I gently take her left wrist and kiss every scar on it. "When you promised people that you allow them to take care of you, you let them, okay? You're not alone, Amu. Dad, the shrimp and girly boy, Utau, and I are here for you…we'll always be here for you."

"I-I'm sorry."

I take her in my arms and let her sob. "Thank you," I tell her. "Thank you for telling me."

* * *

><p>"Hey mom," I stare at her picture. "Yeah, today's the day you gave birth to me."<p>

"Well, it's still a little after 4 and Amu can't be with me right now, so I can't introduce you to her."

"She's really tired, mom. She was crying for the most part of the afternoon."

"I know you wanna give me a birthday gift…but you can't do that."

"Just please…don't let anything take her away from me, Mom. That's all I'm asking for."

"I need her just as much as she needs me."

"So, please, mom."

"Watch over the girl I love."

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><p><strong>Reviews are appreciated; really, they inspire and motivate me so much! :3<strong>

**Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed so far! You're all making me so happy! **


	17. Chapter 17

**I hope you all love this chapter! I was so hyped to finish this asap I didn't proofread anymore :c**

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><p><strong>Saturday, December 5<strong>

I take a sip of some lemon scented tea from one of Dr. Tsukiyomi's many China tea cups as we go through my list of likes. I decided to actually fill it up a little bit last night right after I did my math homework. Unimpressed with what I've written so far, which isn't much, I wait anxiously for Dr. Aruto to say something after he scans my list.

"It isn't much…" Admitting this made feel a bit better about myself, I mean, at least he knows I'm not proud of my progress.

"Yes, it isn't much but you made progress at the very least." He smiles at me. "This makes me happy." I feel my cheeks heat up. It is very well obvious that Dr. Aruto is a good looking man, despite his age. I mean, surely that's where Ikuto got his looks…? I mentally slap myself at how pathetic I'm being. Seriously, Amu, he's your psych; enough with the inappropriate thoughts! Fine, but at least there's Ikuto to be 'appropriate' enough to think about and oh kami-sama what am I thinking? I can't think about Ikuto that way, I mean, maybe I did have a little crush on him when we first met but he's my best friend now and it seems…inappropriate. Ugh why do I even –

"Amu-san?"

I snap out of it. Again, my cheeks heat up; I'm embarrassed that Dr. Aruto caught me in a trance and I'm embarrassed that I was in said trance because of his son. "Sorry…where were we?"

"Let's talk about what you've recently put on your list."

"Oh."

"You wrote 'father,''Dr. Aruto' and 'Ikuto.'"

If possible, I blush even more. "Um, yeah about that…" You have to help yourself, Amu. There's no need to lie here, I should be honest. "I think it's only right to put you there because you are helping me, after all. And other than my parents' money I think it's the least I can do for you helping me and all."

"Oh, so it's a form of payment?" He asks amused.

"No, not at all! I meant…I meant that you helping me is something…surely something that I like."

He smiles at this. "So, I see you've put Ikuto on the list, too."

"I see no reason not to…" I hesitate. "He's my best friend." That's a safe enough answer.

"Yes, now, let's move on to your father." I sit up straight. There's always something about my father that wakes me up little, if you know what I mean, but I can't quite put my finger on it. "There are only a few things I remember of being a kid with him and those are mostly when we used to visit mother at the psychiatric ward. Ever since Ami was born, he'd spend more time with me too but I really can't seem to remember any of that…but I know I spent time with him. He always used to say that I was special."

Dr. Aruto looks at me in a weird way. "Special? Would you mind telling me in what way?"

"I don't really talk about it that much but I've talked about it with my last shrink but we really didn't get anywhere since I sort of…um…ditched sessions, " I say sheepishly. "Now that I think about it, there are lot I can't remember when I was kid, it's like all my new emotions replaced them or something."

"Amu-san, most cases I've dealt with where my patient was called special…they were all molested."

"…I don't think father was like that."

"Your memories aren't so clear, Amu-san, you said so yourself."

The room is silent as I don't talk so Dr. Aruto speaks, "Amu-san, they say that you eventually forget about the things you don't want to remember. It's also a form of therapy, when people say 'just don't think about it.' Now, we've stumbled upon something big here, Amu-san. I think it's best to deal with this now, I wouldn't want you ditching on me."

"I promised."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I promised I wouldn't ditch."

"And I trust you. Moving on, Amu-san, don't you remember anything at all?"

_Rain was pouring hard and the winds weren't as calm either. It was already an obscure hour in the night and 6 year old Hinamori Amu couldn't get to sleep at all. Her mother would usually read her a bedtime story but mother was sick right now, she was in the hospital after all. To make up for it, her father would come sometimes late at night just to tell Amu how special she is. Every little girl would love to be called special, that's what Amu thought. So why wasn't she happy whenever her father called her special? She is then startled by a sound. _

_The door opens to reveal her father, "Amu-chan, are you awake? Father misses you an awful lot. Can father keep you company?" Her father doesn't wait for an answer and closes the door. _

_Amu is not alone on her bed anymore. _

I tried so hard – so hard not to remember it. I was determined to put it behind me; it seems I haven't escaped completely. It's hard to talk and Dr. Aruto's looks at me worriedly, knowing I had a flashback. He immediately calls Ikuto and I grab a throw pillow to hold on to. And I start crying.

Soon, the throw pillow is replaced by Ikuto's torso and I still can't stop crying. I can hear banging on the door and I am immediately pulled back to where I was before.

_Amu was cowering under her Barbie blankets, hoping to sound out the noise; her father was angry enough to bang on her door. He had been drinking again, depressed that Midori was depressed. Depressed that his wife couldn't give him what he wanted. Tsumugu wasn't like this before. But then again, who could stand the Hinamori household? _

"_Let father in, Amu! Father is lonely out here, you know that! Open the door!"_

_He bangs loudly on the door again, and all Amu could do was cry on her bed alone. _

"Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me here alone, he might come and get me." I hug him even tighter.

"Who might come and get you, Amu?" Dr. Aruto asks in a calm voice. But someone bangs on the door again and I lose it completely.

"He's coming here, I can feel it. Please keep the door closed! Please keep it closed, he's drunk again, I can tell!"

"Who's drunk, Amu?" Ikuto asks worriedly.

"Amu, who's coming to get you?" Dr. Aruto asks me calmly. "Utau, stop banging on the door!"

And the banging stops. "Father," I breathe.

Ikuto stiffens. "Amu, what are you talking about?"

Dr. Aruto interrupts, "Ikuto, please, just hold her. We're having a session."And Ikuto falls silent. "Amu-san," he's back with the formalities now. "This will be something I'm going to help you get through. I promised we would go through your problems one by one, remember?" All I could do was nod. "I need you to be strong for a while. You have to get this out; you have to be completely honest with me. I need you to tell me everything that happened."

Ikuto then lets go of me and I protest immediately. "Don't leave me, please."

"Shh, it's alright I'm here." He tries to pet my hair to sooth me but I'm still trembling.

"Perhaps, holding her on your lap would stop the shaking." Dr. Aruto suggests. We're all trying to be professional here, so Ikuto sits me on his lap without any hesitation and I rest my head on his chest. If I were in a more normal state, I would be blushing, but I'm not. I need this. I need him.

"I…" I choke back a sob. "It was when mother had to stay in the psychiatric ward. And I would sometimes spend nights alone at the house when I was young. My father would usually come home intoxicated from all the alcohol he consumed. Sometimes he would wake me up, saying he was lonely, asking if I wanted to play with him…" I cry even more into Ikuto's shirt as I remember everything I tried so hard to forget. "I thought it was a onetime thing but then he came again the next night and the next and the next…" I could still feel his hot breath on my neck and the smell of whisky all over the place.

I find myself off Ikuto's lap, on the other side of the couch shielding myself with the throw pillow I held onto not long ago. "Please don't touch me," I tell him. And I cry even more once I see the pain on his face. "I'm sorry."

_We're back, Amu. _

I stop breathing. "No…"

_Haven't you missed us at all? Well, we missed you. Your father misses you too, we bet. _

"Get them out, please!"

I look frantically at Dr. Aruto who is all over the place on the phone and I look to my left to see Ikuto looking at me with a guarded expression as Utau has her hand on his shoulder, eyes wide. But I can't hear anything.

And then everything goes black.

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><p><strong>Sunday, December 6<strong>

I open my eyes and see a white wall. I look to my right to see a lone big glass tinted window and a small refrigerator. My neck is aching so I stretch it a little, looking to my left. I then notice that I am on a hospital bed and I see that Ikuto is sitting on a chair with his head rested on my bed. His breathing is slow and I assume he's sleeping. I extend my arm to gently run my fingers through his hair and he immediately wakes up at my touch.

"Amu?"

"Hi."

He stands up and towers over me as if to hug me but he stops after a second. He then steps back at least two meters away from me and the door swings open. Utau walks in, texting on her phone and soon freezes as she looks up and sees me.

"Amu?"

"Has everyone forgotten who I am?"

"No," Utau breathes. She then looks at Ikuto who is at least a meter behind her. She studies his face for a while and she turns back to look at me. "How are you feeling?" she rushes to my side as she throws her purse on the chair where I found Ikuto first.

"A little hungry—"

"I'll get you something to eat." Ikuto says as he rushes out the room.

I can feel my forehead creasing. "Where am I, Utau?"

"We got you your own room at the psychiatric ward of the hospital."

"…and?"

"You're in it."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I'M WHAT?" I look around the room frantically. Everything was white except for…my hospital gown. "How did I get here?" Utau was about to answer until the door swings open again to reveal Dr. Aruto and Ikuto.

"Welcome back, Amu." Dr. Auto smiles at me calmly.

"What happened to me?"

"A lot," says Ikuto.

"…Why won't you come near me?"

"Do you want me to?"

"If it's alright with you…"

Dr. Aruto interrupts, "You can both catch up on your passionate teenage love later. Amu-san, I'm going to have to talk to you alone."

I blush furiously, "O-Okay." Utau and Ikuto silently leave the room without even glancing at me for a last time.

Dr. Aruto then casually states, "I called your parents."

"YOU WH—"

"And they're landing in Japan in a few days."

"…please, just kill me now."

"…"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." I look at him apologetically. I can't help but feel that I've let him down. The only person who was genuinely willing to help me get over myself, I've…disappointed him. He believed in me – countless times – and I've failed him.

"The reason why…" he starts. "The reason why I've called them over here is because of two things, Amu-san. First, they have a right to know your state as of now, seeing as they are your parents. Second is for closure; you and I both know that you need this. There's no better way to solve a problem than to face it."

I am speechless because I know there is nothing I can do. I just simply stare at the ceiling, hoping this closure thing would really solve shit.

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><p>"Hello, Amu-san. I'm Akane and I am to be your nurse for the duration of your stay here."<p>

I stare at the smiling brunette woman clad in white in front of me. She could very well be in her early 30s. "How long exactly is my stay here?"

"Ah, I recall Dr. Aruto say that you would be here for a week or so."

Great. _Just great_. "I'm sorry, but I believe I'm supposed to have a roommate…?" I remember all the times I would visit mother in the psychiatric ward, she had this old lady who used to always play cards with her.

"Why, dear, you're in one of the special rooms. Instead of having the normal therapy – which includes interaction with all the other patients – you'll be getting special treatment; Dr. Aruto strongly insisted on this. You are allowed to roam around and interact with the patients but the only therapy you're getting is one on one with different doctors."

"I see…what time is it?"

"Almost 6:30 in the evening, I'll fetch your dinner." Without another word or even waiting for me to speak, nurse Akane exits the door. Great, how smart of her to leave me alone and think to myself. I mean, am I going to have to do this all the time; be insecure and anxious for the rest of my life? I keep telling myself to get over myself but – the door suddenly opens.

"That was fast nurse Aka—" I stop as soon as I see that it wasn't nurse Akane.

"Hi." Ikuto breathes. He closes the door behind him and leans on it.

"…Hi."

"Can I…Can I come closer?" He asks with a guarded voice. I hope he sees how pained my expression is, I am hurt by his words more than how I expected.

"By all means, please."

He walks to the chair to the left side of my bed and sits on it.

After a while he asks, "Can I hold your hand?"

"I don't know, Ikuto, can you?" I was starting to become irritated. What was his problem?

He immediately grabs my left hand and kisses it softly, as if it would break if he put too much pressure on it. "I'm sorry; I just don't want to hurt you in any way. It's just that…your face when you realized I was touching you last night…I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable being touched again."

I feel a pain at my chest and instantly feel guilty. "I'm sorry." I sob.

"Please, don't cry. I've seen enough of that." There was much hurt in his voice.

"What's wrong, Ikuto? Why does it seem like you're hiding something from me?" I ask between sobs.

"Seeing you being taken from my hold last night when you were already passed out…some medics came to the house to take you here. I was so deep in thought last night I've actually thought of even worse scenarios. I just…I was so scared that I might've lost you."

"I'm sorry for making you worry." I take my hand from his and pat his head.

"And it made me think…"

"What?"

"I'm going to stop being a pussy."

"What are you talking about?"

"Go out with me."

"Right now? Where are we going?"

"NO! I mean, _go out with me_."

"I know, Ikuto, but where are we going? Plus, nurse Akane's gonna be back here with my dinner. It might be inconvenient for her if we just suddenly left—"

"Be my girlfriend, Amu. I want to make you happy. I really, really, really do. Trust me, I hate seeing you get hurt and I hate receiving calls from you crying about that Hotori kid. Break up with him and date me."

"Ikuto…I…Where is all this coming from?" Holy shit, am I dreaming? I mean, I still haven't broken up with Tadase-kun yet and being in a relationship has proven that being in one isn't really healthy for me but then again Ikuto is my best friend so it's like totally wrong. "…You're my best friend."

"Whatever happened to all those sappy romance movies you watched with best friends usually ending up together?"

"They're movies, Ikuto. Those aren't real."

"I'll make this one real. Just please, give me a chance. I've cared for you for so long, Amu. The thought of almost losing you has brought me to my senses. I can't bear not having you with me. I need you, Amu and I think you need me, too."

"Ikuto, I'm tired and confused and most of all, currently fucked up. I don't get why you'd want me so I never really considered liking you that way – "

"I'll make you feel the same way. I'll make you see how beautiful you are and how right it'll feel to be with me. I want you, Amu. I can't promise you anything, and this is a huge risk. But it's a risk I'm willing to take. I'll tell you. I'll tell you everyday how beautiful you are as a person and I'll ask you out every day until you say yes to me." I am about to speak but he startles me as he swiftly gets up and kisses me on the cheek.

He then makes his way to the door but pauses before opening it to leave. "Good night, I'll see you tomorrow." I expect him to leave immediately but instead he turns to look at me.

And he smiles.

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><p><strong>Reviews are appreciated :3 so are plot suggestions!<strong>


	18. Chapter 18

**Hello there! I would like to thank everyone who left a review! They really, really make me happy c: And I hope this story makes you happy, too. So, please, enjoy this chapter!**

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><p><strong>Monday, December 7<strong>

I set the bowl down on the foldable tray connected to my bed. I had just finished breakfast: oatmeal. As expected; mother used to always have oatmeal for breakfast in this hospital. She'd always want cinnamon and apples in hers…and I strangely wanted some in mine too. If it weren't for my pink hair, I could've very well been a younger version of my mother. Psychiatric ward, hospital gown…oatmeal.

"_Wouldn't want to end up like me now, do you?"_

My mother's words rang in my ears. I've done exactly the opposite of that. I've become just like her and most little girls would be proud to grow up just like their mother but I'm not like most little girls. I lie back down from my sitting position on the bed and stare at the ceiling. My parents would be here in a week more or less. What would my father do if he finds out I've remembered? Would he even find out? Why am I even on this bed like a sick person? Yes, I am sick but not disabled. Surely I can roam around a bit for a while…? Oh well, you only live once so I'm gonna go walk around this place.

I hop off my bed and try to put my slippers on. After struggling for a while, I walk to the door but I stop as I notice a full body mirror to my right. This hasn't been there before…maybe they put it in this morning. I take a good look at myself and heave a sigh. Unruly bed hair, velvet house slippers courtesy of Dr. Aruto, pale blue hospital gown…give me brown hair and then you can call me Midori.

Setting my thoughts aside, I shake my head at my talking to myself and head out my room. The corridor had more natural light than my room since I only have one big window and it's unfortunately tinted. I look to my right and see more doors and I walk down taking glances at some rooms. I pass by one open room and see a girl facing a window similar to mine. The girl has beautiful black hair that goes to her chin and she turns around as soon as she feels my presence. And the first thing I see near her blue-almost-green eyes is a long scar that travels from the bottom side of her nose to the bottom side of her eye on the left side of her face. I spot a short one just under it.

"May I help you?" Asks a masculine voice. I mentally slap myself for staring too long.

"Oh." I cover my mouth with my hands. The person I thought to be a girl was actually a boy and he was wearing a hospital gown, too. "I'm sorry to intrude, I—"

"It's alright." Although he says this, his piercing eyes tell me otherwise as he fixes his glasses on the bridge of his nose.

"I think I'll go now." Blushing furiously out of embarrassment, I turn immediately to leave.

"Wait, don't go." He says a bit rushed. I turn around again trying to look as unembarrassed as I can. "…Would you like some tea?"

Now that I think about it, I haven't had tea for two days now. I hesitate, "I wouldn't want to be of any disturbance to you…"

"Nonsense, please come in Miss…?"

"Amu. Hinamori Amu." Way to go, socially awkward Amu.

"Please come in, Hinamori-san."

"Ah, thank you…?"

"Kairi. My name is Sanjo Kairi, it's nice to meet you and your hair is such a lovely shade of pink." I blush at his compliment, I mean, people say that they do like my hair but no one's really complimented me about my hair like that before. "Your cheeks are in a lovely shade of pink as well."

"S-Sorry about that. It's nice to meet you." He pulls a chair for me and I sit down on one side of a small round mahogany table good for two. "Thank you." He then mutter s a 'you're welcome' and sits on the other side.

"So I'm assuming you're the new girl?" He asks as he pours me a cup of tea from a plain white teapot. I take a sip from the white teacup and nod my head sheepishly. "How old are you."

I set the teacup down and tell him, "I'm fifteen."

"Ah, so you're my sempai."

"I'm sorry but what…?"

"I used to go to Seiyo, Hinamori-sempai. I'm sorry for not telling you earlier but I recognized you as soon as I saw you at my door. I'm thirteen, by the way."

"…"

He takes a long sip from his tea and glances at the wall clock to his right.

"Wait! You're that new freshman that tried to take over the student council!" I knew Sanjo Kairi sounded familiar to me. There were rumors about him when the school year started.

"Yes, and you must be the rumored Hinamori Amu dating the new student Tsukiyomi Ikuto? Seriously, my female classmates can't stop gushing about him; it's rather irritating."

I blush at the thought of dating Ikuto.

_I'll make this one real. Just please, give me a chance._

And blush even more as I remember my previous conversation with him. "I'm sorry about your female classmates but, to clear things up, I'm not dating Tsukiyomi Ikuto…he's my best friend."

"I'll tell them that as soon as I get back." He chuckles.

"When will that be?" His eyes dart immediately to mine as soon as I ask this. "I'm sorry, I- I didn't mean to—"

"Nonsense." He pours more tea in his teacup and sits back on his chair. "I'm hoping they'll let me out when Christmas time comes."

"That's sort of near—"

"Eighteen days, to be exact."

"Oh."

"May I ask when you're getting out of this…establishment?"

I smile at him timidly. "The nurse said I'd be here for 2 weeks at most."

I look around his room seeing that it was much like mine since it was also on the right side of the corridor. If you're at the door, there'd be a large tinted window by the left corner of the north wall. The table we were having tea on is by the foot of his bed which was at the east wall – still, if you're seeing things when you're by the door – and on the west wall was a small fridge, plastic drawers for what I assumed was for his personal belongings, and a chess table with two wooden chairs.

"Ah, just like most of the patients here; causing a ruckus at night and staying here only for 2 weeks. Typical amount of time given for someone who isn't that…sick."

"I assume you're like most?"

"Nonsense; I've been here for a month now."

"Oh."

"Yes, it's quite boring."

"Why have you been here that long?"

"The therapists think I'm crazy or schizophrenic."

"You seem rather smart to me."

"And I've tried escaping maybe a few times but still."

I giggle, "Ah." And he chuckles at this.

"Would you mind if I asked why you're in a place like this?"

It's not like he would tell anybody when he gets back to Seiyo—he doesn't seem like the type anyways. I take a deep breath and look at him straight in the eye. His expression is stoic, but he's listening. "I…I, um, I have wrist that are, um, occupied and I've just recently remembered being molested as a child so I passed out when my therapist helped me get over it."

"That's terrible."

"Yes…Yes, it is. Would you mind if I asked how you…?"

"No, not at all." He adjusts his glasses and continues to speak. "Just the usual pressure from my parents and sister, everyone went to top universities and there's not much I can do but run for class president and get above average grades since I'm only still in high school. They were too much, really. It was getting harder and harder to breathe with each passing day. A lot more complicated stuff happened and," he points to his scars, "I got this. This is solely self-inflicted; my parents are nice people but I just couldn't handle their _love_."

Who would've thought? Sanjo Kairi, top student, inflicts pain on himself. "Why did you decide to take it out on yourself?"

"You would know, Hinamori-san."

I look at him with a confused expression and suddenly remember that the hospital gown had short sleeves and my scars were on display for everyone to see. "I guess I would." I give him a small smile and sip on my tea. Then something strikes me. "Sanjo-kun?"

"Yes?"

"Would you consider yourself someone who's living?"

"Living in what sense?"

"Um, life?"

"Oh, well, yes. I do consider myself as someone who is living."

"Are you happy?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Are you happy?"

"I would say otherwise."

"Then you're just breathing. You're not living if you're not entirely happy."

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><p>I spent my lunch and the most part of my afternoon with Kairi (he insists we use first name basis) and he was kind enough to share stories with me. He was about to teach me how to play chess when the nurse came in and told me she was looking for me everywhere and I had just missed one session with one of my therapists. I apologized and the nurse said it was better if I just stayed in my room. So here I was, lying down on my bed again, eating a cup of pudding. This stuff was delicious. I eat my pudding in silence until someone opens the door.<p>

"Go out with me." Right before me is Ikuto wearing his school uniform with a bouquet of roses in one hand.

"I'm eating my pudding." Although my reply may seem indifferent, I blush furiously at his gestures.

He sighs and shakes his head, making his way to the empty vase to my left. He fills it up with water from my bathroom and sets it back on the nightstand with the roses in it. "These are for you."

"Th-thanks."

"So, how was your day?"

"It was…interesting. I made a new friend."

"Oh?"

"Yes, he's quite smart despite his age. Quite handsome, too."

"But he's in the psychiatric ward." He smirks.

"Don't be mean, Ikuto." I frown at him. "Maybe you've forgotten but I'm in the psychiatric ward, too. I mean, you make it sound like it's a bad thing like I have a very disgusting defect...maybe I do but it's not _that_ bad."

"Amu, don't—"

"Well, I'm sorry I'm not as normal as you are. Thanks for making me feel so much better about myself."

"…I'm sorry."

"I sense no forgiving here unless a certain someone gets me more pudding from the hospital cafeteria."

He chuckles. "Alright, alright." He makes his way to the door and tells me, "You have visitors," before heading out. I stop breathing. Could it be my parents? I'm not ready to face them yet and surely Ikuto wouldn't just leave me with them, right? What kind of best friend would he be if –

"A-Amu-chan." A slightly embarrassed Nagihiko comes in after a stomping, glaring, Rima.

"WHY ARE YOU IN A PSYCHIATRIC WARD?" She demands.

"I'm sick, Rima." I tell her simply.

"BUT YOU'RE IN THE PSYCHIATRIC WARD, AMU! IT'S FOR LOONIES."

Nagihiko tries to soothe her, "Rima, calm down. Can't we—"

My anger builds up inside me at how insensitive Rima's being. So I glare at her a bit and tell her, "Well, then I guess your best friend's a loony, Rima."

"YOU—! Ugh!"

"I suggest you calm down," I tell her. "It's not good for the baby."

"I'm not done with you, YOU – !"

Nagihiko cuts in, "Rima, let's come back tomorrow. You're not making things any better."

"Whatever," she mutters as she glares hard at the floor.

"Please, um," Nagihiko bows, "get well soon, Amu-san."

"Thanks," I mumble. And they're out of the room in three seconds.

And after three more seconds, Rima barges in the room and quickly jumps on my bed to hug me as she sobs furiously into my neck. "I'm s-sor-ry! I'm sorry! I'm so s-sorry, Amu!"

"Shh," I comfort her. "It's alright," I say calmly as I pat her head. I look to the door and see that both Nagihiko and Ikuto are leaning on it.

"I should've paid more attention to you. I should've never stopped inviting you over for sleepovers. I'm sorry, Amu! I'm so sorry; I can't believe I was able to leave you alone just like that!"

"It's alright, Rima, really. Now, why don't you stop lying on your stomach and sit on a chair; it's bad for the baby." Rima's baby bump was visible, looking at it clearly or not. Anyone can see she was pregnant. "How far along are you, even?"

She shifts and carefully lies on her back instead so she's beside me on my bed. She sniffles and heaves a sigh, "Five months." I can't imagine what she's going through, I mean, I can very well see she's in her school uniform – and it isn't doing her justice – so that means everyone at school must've seen her belly by now. I turn my gaze at Nagihiko and see he's blushing. I just hope all will turn out well. "So…what's up with this depression I heard?"

"Heard from who—"

Nagihiko speaks up, "_Ah! _Ikuto-san, why don't we—"

"Yes, yes! Let's head out, Nagi-san." Ikuto laughs nervously and they're out immediately.

"So…yeah," Rima starts. "I've heard from Nikkaidou-sensei that you were admitted in the hospital and this Dr. Aruto person – who I assume is this Tsukiyomi kid's dad—asks for me in the middle of homeroom period. He was all like, 'you're Amu-san's best friend so I'm gonna have to tell you this blah blah blah' and yeah, you know."

Dr. Aruto at school? "Oh, so that's how it went…?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much it."

"Ah, I see…"

"Yeah."

"…"

"Oh, and he told Tadase, too. In fact he's outside waiting for you."

"HE'S WHAT?" I jolt up immediately. I get off the bed and struggle with my slippers. I dash out of the room only to see him sitting on the three-seater couch placed at the front of my door. There he is, Tadase-kun in all his princely glory, sitting there like a proper student from Seiyo in his uniform.

"H-Hi." I blush.

"Ah, hello there, Amu-chan. Why don't you sit down with me?" I accept his offer and sit right next to him. "That's a nice color on you." He compliments.

"_We wouldn't want to see you in a hospital gown now, would we? That would just be ill-fitting on you." _

Despite remembering what Dr. Aruto said about the gown, I just agree with Tadase-kun to makes thing s easier. I mean, why make the whole conversation any more hard since I'm going to break up with him? Right? Shit. "Um, yeah; I suppose it is."

"So, Nikkaidou-sensei says you're sick. With what exactly?"

"Dr. Aruto didn't tell you…?"

"No, he just said to visit you today. Something about you having to tell me something?" Sly, sly Dr. Aruto.

"Tadase-kun, I—"

"Yes?"

I hold my breath for a few seconds as I stare at the floor, holding on to the couch for dear life. I heave a sigh, "I'm breaking up with you." We're quiet and it stays like this for a while. Neither of us wanting to say anything. So I decide to speak again. "I'm sorry," I tell him.

And all he says is, "Why?" He wore an expression that was a mixture of confusion and worry.

"There's something wrong with me, Tadase-kun."

"What do you mean?"

"You and I both know where we are."

"Excuse me?"

"We're in the psychiatric ward." I look up to meet his gaze this time.

"I don't see how—…oh."

"Yeah."

"Mental health?" he asks and I just nod. And he asks the most stupid question ever. "Why are we breaking up then?"

"Can't you see, Tadase-kun? I don't think it's mentally healthy for me to be in a relationship. I need…I need time for myself. I have to be selfish for a while…so, I'm sorry."

"I see," he says glumly. "I hope…I hope you get better, Amu-chan." He gives me a sad smile.

"Yeah, thanks." I blush a bit and look down to the floor again.

"Well, I guess I should get going."

"Yeah, stay safe." He and I both get up from the couch and an awkward silence engulfs us. He then opens his arms for a hug and I give him one. We say good bye to each other again and I watch him walk away. And it makes me happy, surprisingly.

There really must be something wrong with me.

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><p><strong>Reviews are appreciated(very much). :3<strong>


	19. Chapter 19

**I apologize for the late update. First quarter exams just finished and I had another college entrance exam. Please don't worry about anything, I'll make sure to finish this story within the year. I think it's almost ending.**

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><p><strong>Tuesday, December 8<strong>

_There are 8 flights of stairs for the four floors in Seiyo's high school building. And if by some miracle someone would want to climb those 8 flights of stairs, they would be graciously awarded with the most beautiful view—the sun setting behind the buildings and landscapes in this quite big but quite small town. Quite vague, I know. But what wouldn't be vague for Hinamori Amu is the said view. She'd been to the roof top at least twice or thrice and would most of the time be with Tsukiyomi Ikuto. We could say that there is a sense of familiarity with the place._

_But right now, ironically, what is vague to Hinamori Amu is the said view, still. Because in this said view we speak of, Tsukiyomi Ikuto is standing by the railings and looking out to the horizon. Orange beams from the sunset dance on his face as the wind mischievously plays with his hair. He turns around gracefully, flawlessly. _

_How cliché can this get? _

"_Amu," he breathes. _

_Amu? Our heroine echoes in her mind. She looks around and sure enough she sees him looking straight at her, trapping her gaze with his deep, deep dark sapphire eyes. They were almost tempting. Almost. _

"_I like you. Please go out with me," he says as he bows. _

_How very cliché indeed. Maybe Ikuto had gotten this scene from one of the many shoujo mangas he reads. Love confession on the rooftop after school; how very, very cliché. _

_Despite the cool wind that accompanied them, Amu – or her cheeks, rather – felt very warm. And nervous. She could feel her heart beating, thumping loud. She gets even more embarrassed at the thought of Ikuto hearing her frantic heart. _

_Worried at her lack of reaction, he speaks up again, "So…what do you say?" _

_Amu snaps out of whatever she was in and opens her mouth to speak, "Meow." _

"_Meow?"_

_Meow? Amu hadn't meant to say meow, she'd meant to ask for more time. Her confused face mirrored his. What had gotten into her? Meow, really? So she decides to make up for it and opens her mouth to speak again, "Meow." _

_Amu was perplexed. Why was she meowing all of the sudden—_

"_Ouch!" She hears. But it doesn't come from Ikuto's mouth. _

"You little freak, stay still!"

"Meow!"

"This is a Gucci coat, mind you. If Amu's done with you, I might make you into one so—Ouch!"

And the vague view Amu was in morphed back into the white walls of her 'special' hospital room. And soon enough, a haggard looking Utau having a hissy fit with a white cat comes into view.

**Amu's POV**

"Shinigami-chan!" I jump of the bed and run to get my cat off Utau's face. "Shit, I'm so sorry, Utau!" I take Shinigami-chan in my arms and settle down on the high bed again. He curls into me and turns to Utau to hiss at her.

"You're lucky there isn't any damage done to my face. Or else, my manager would skin that cat alive," She sneers at said feline on my lap. I hug him close to me, Ikuto may have threatened my cat before but no one would top Utau's wrath. "Good morning, it's nice to see you awake. You looked like you were having a good dream."

"R-really?" I could feel my cheeks heat up as I remember my dream.

"You said Ikuto's name," she wiggles her eyebrows at me.

"Y-you said something about a manager?" I try to change the subject.

"Mhm, I've been working for a modeling agency recently. Ikuto hasn't mentioned anything to you about me being homeschooled or anything?"

"I think he may have said something." She then nods and we become silent.

"Are you going to give him a chance?" She asks all of the sudden.

"Excuse me?"

Utau rolls her eyes, "I could very much run my own gossip show, Amu. I'm not completely in the dark here."

"I…I need some time for myself. I don't think it's healthy for me to be in a relationship again just yet—"

"He's a shitload healthy for you, I can promise you that." She defends. I glance at the wall clock on top of the door and see that it's 9:00 in the morning. I look back at Utau and heave a sigh. I open my mouth to speak but she cuts me off. "Please, just give him a chance, Amu. He wants to make you happy – "

"You want to make me happy, too , right?"

"Of course why would—"

"I just wanted to know." I look down at Shinigami-chan and pat his head.

"He loves you, Amu. He wants to heal you." Her voice is softer this time and I look right back up at her and see she's smiling at me. "And maybe, you'd be able to heal him, too."

"Heal him?"

She just chuckles, "Forget I said anything. Anyways, I brought you some clothes and other necessities. I've stacked them neatly in this drawer." She points to a plastic drawer similar to the one I saw in Sanjo-kun's room.

"Thank you," I smile at her.

"You've been smiling a lot more genuinely, Amu." She says cheekily.

"I-I guess." I blush a bit.

"Well, I guess I'll be taking my leave then. Ikuto will visit you again this afternoon when his classes finish. I told him you'd be stubborn enough to stop him and you'd probably say visiting you would be a waste of his time. But there's just no stopping the boy now, is there?" She grins.

"N-no, I guess there isn't." Maybe Utau was right.

* * *

><p>The people here were very nice. Save a few patients, I mean, there were really grumpy old ladies around here; the psychiatric ward was mainly composed of old loony – as Rima would put it – people, adults experiencing a mid-life a crisis, a kid, and two teenagers—Sanjo-kun and I.<p>

It was 2 in the afternoon and we were currently in some makeshift cooking room. Food therapy is some general therapy everyone here has to take. So the old people were placed in the front, adults in the middle and us at the back.

"Good afternoon, everyone! Isn't it nice to have food therapy after having a morning with those serious looking therapists of yours?" Greets a girl in a green dress.

Her face was adorned with her light, almost yellow, green curls. Her eyes were no different, just in a different shade of the dominating color green.

"What a cute little forest pixie!" Claims one of the older ladies at the front.

"She looks like some sort of vegetable to me," I whisper to Sanjo-kun. "Or maybe the lovechild of the Hulk and some fairy."

He chuckles. "That's Suu-san," he whispers back. "She comes here to volunteer all the time, either in the kitchen downstairs or like now for food therapy."

I gaze at her with admiration. How can someone like her be patient with loonies like us? "I see we have a new student here today." She's talking to me. "What's your name, sweetheart?"

"Hinamori Amu," I tell her.

"Well, Amu-chan, we're baking cookies today." She tells me and turns her attention elsewhere. "Let's get started now, shall we? Y'all will be working by partners."

I gulp nervously. "Are you any good at this, Sanjo-kun?"

"Don't worry, I'll help you." He assures me.

"Thanks, I can't bake to save my life." I smile at him and if I'm not mistaken, I see a hint of pink on his cheeks.

"It's n-nothing."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, it's nothing." He shrugs. "Absolutely nothing," he says mostly to his self.

The older woman in front of us turns around and tells Sanjo-kun, "Don't worry, boy. You secret's safe with me." She winks and turns back around.

"What's that about?" I ask him.

"Like I said, it's nothing, really." He says, and this time there's more than a hint of pink on cheeks. He was blushing. Either that or it was the sun since we were near the window. But then again it's early December…

I just shrug it off and smile at him again, "Alright, let's bake."

* * *

><p>"I'm so sorry, Hinamori-san. It'll never happen again—that was very stupid of me to do so, I –"<p>

"Calm down, Sanjo-kun. It's alright. They're old cuts anyway, it didn't hurt that much." It was a little after five and Sanjo-kun and I were at the front of the door to my room. I was in the process of putting the tray of cookie dough into the oven when I flinched at the pain the heat caused, dropping the tray. The heat from the pre-heated oven had been all over my scars and Sanjo-kun kept blaming himself for not being sensitive and gentlemanly enough.

"I apologize, I really do."

"It's fine, Sanjo-kun. I assure you—"

"What's fine?" Interrupts a voice. I turn around and see Ikuto in normal clothes. He sees Sanjo-kun and puts his arm around me. "What's it to you, kid?"

"Ikuto! What's wrong with you!" I scold him. I try my best to squirm out of his grasp but it was useless.

"I-I didn't meant to—I'll see you tomorrow, Hinamori-san. Good night, Hinamori-san. Good night, sir." I watch Sanjo-kun stalk back to his room and once he shuts the door, I turn to Ikuto.

"What is wrong with you?" I sneer at him.

"What are you talking about?" He asks innocently as he opens the door to my room and I follow him inside.

"Why'd you scare him off, Ikuto? He's my friend!"

"Whatever, Amu—AND OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT THING DOING HERE?" Ikuto points to the bed. Shinigami-chan is sitting on it, looking at Ikuto with a scowl on his face and hisses.

I roll my eyes at the scene, "I'm going to go take a shower." I walk to the drawer and get a clean hospital gown and my other necessities and head to the bathroom but not before telling them, "Behave." And I shut the door.

I heave a sigh. It's been such a tiring day and I haven't even had dinner yet—I stop immediately and mentally slap myself; people had much worse problems than me, why was I being such a pussy? Because I'm an insecure pressured girl with hormones?

…Why can't I help myself?

I take off my dirtied hospital gown and head to the shower. I turn it on and stare at the hot water rolling down my scars. I'd be lying if I said what happened at the cooking room earlier didn't hurt…the hot water right now isn't any different.

"_Alright, Sanjo-kun I'm putting the last batch in the oven now, " I tell him. _

"_Go ahead," he says as his eyes were on the plate he was washing. _

_I put on the mittens and carry the tray to the oven. Bending down, I made sure to place the tray properly in the oven so it wouldn't be hard to get out. But the oven obviously had other plans. I put my arm in too far and the heat hurt my arm badly and my scars stung. _

"_O-ouch!" I yelp as I fall on my butt. _

"_Are you alright, Hinamori-san?!" A very panicked Sanjo-kun is facing me now. He helps get up from my position and steadies me as I stand up. _

"_Yeah, it's nothing!" I assure him. _

"_Hinamori Amu," Suu-sensei interrupts. "Dr. Tsukiyomi would like to see you outside for a while." _

"_Y-yes." I nod at Sanjo-kun, assuring him that I was fine and head out of the room. Dr. Aruto was leaning on the wall opposite the door. "You asked for me?" _

"_I have some quite unfortunate quite fortunate news for you, Amu-san." _

_How vague. "Hit me with your best shot."_

"_Your parents are arriving tomorrow." _

Someone just please kill me now; it would save everyone the trouble. I sigh once more and turn the shower off and get out of it, drying myself up and putting my gown on. I dry my hair with a towel as I get out of the bathroom and surprisingly, my room is quiet.

"Well," Ikuto starts. "You most certainly took a long time in the shower, Amu. Were you thinking about me?"

I ignore his question, "Where's Shinigami-chan?"

"Why does it matter?"

"No, I'm serious, Ikuto." I pout at him.

I assume he's feeling guilty now that I'm pouting. He couldn't resist me right? "H-he's…um, the nurse took him for a while. Something about shots and rabies and everyone's safety here."

"Seems legit."

"Yeah, now come here and sit on the bed with me."

I look at him weirdly.

"Geez, Amu. I just want to help brush your hair."

"…How odd. Are you sure you're not queer?"

"Ha, ha. How very funny of you." He mutters sarcastically. I roll my eyes but nonetheless get on the bed and sit in front of him, my back facing him. He grabs some of my hair and starts brushing it.

"Where'd you even get that brush, Ikuto?"

"From that plastic drawer of yours," He says.

Plastic drawer? Wait…I kept my underwear in that plastic drawer…"Did you by any chance see any—…?"

"Bras?"

I blush immediately. "Wh-whatever, pervert. Don't you think they're…?" I waited for him to make fun of me but I hear no noise of amusement whatsoever. He's just brushing my hair.

"I don't mind the strawberry or polka dot patterns, if that's what you're trying to say."

I blush even harder, but I didn't care about the prints either. "No, i-it's not that. Don't you think they're sort of…small?" And the brushing stops.

And resumes. "I don't care about your cup size, Amu."

"R-really?"

"Yes, I think you're lovely."

"Y-you think I'm lovely?"

"Yes, now why are you asking too many questions? Thinking if you're girlfriend material enough for me?" I could practically hear him smirking. "Speaking of which, would you go out with me?"

"Stop that!" I blush furiously.

"Stop what?" he asks rather innocently.

"Sneaking up on me like that…"

"Fine, I'll ask you in a more…appropriate and called for way," he says. He gets off the bed and gets something from the floor, I can't really see what it is since the bed was sort of high. And there in his hands, like he had an abysmal wallet of cash, was yet another bouquet of roses like last night. "Will you go out with me?" He asks, holding out the flowers to me.

Being my typical blushing self, I stutter, "I-I'm hungry, Ikuto. Why don't you get the nurse so I can have my dinner?" I try to change the subject. I really wasn't ready to answer him yet. I mean, I did have a crush on him before and he makes me feel safe all the time. But I don't think there's room for further complications. I just need him right now, I need to hold on to him even though it hurts me that I hurt him by doing so. He's my lifeline. He's the gutter I need to hold onto.

_He loves you, Amu. He wants to heal you._

Maybe I was being too harsh on him, "I'm sorry, Ikuto. I—"

He interrupts me and bows, "Dinner is coming right up, princess." Then he proceeds to leave the room without another word. "My parents are coming in tomorrow."

This stops him. "I'll skip school tomorrow," he says. And heads out of the room.

**Ikuto's POV**

I close the door behind me and heave a sigh. It's been a good four days since I've confessed to Amu, and I kept asking her everyday if she'd go out with me and be my girlfriend. But I've been receiving mixed signals so far.

What was I even doing wasting my time like this? I have merits to receive and an honors status to maintain. Is she even worth this?

Stupid, she's worth it. She'll always be worth it.

And no matter how much it hurts to be rejected like that every day, no matter how much it hurts to see that I can't make her smile enough, can't make her mine, can't heal her, I have to keep going. No matter how bad it hurts, I have to keep holding onto her. She's enough reason for me to move on from the past. She's enough. She's enough and worth it. Though it hurts, I have to hold onto to her.

After all, she's the gutter I need to hold onto.

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><p><strong>Reviews are appreciated :3<strong>


	20. Chapter 20

**It isn't much and I apologize for that but nonetheless, please enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Wednesday, December 9, 1:00 a.m.<strong>

**Amu's POV**

I turn to my right in hopes of comfort so I can fall asleep easily but there's just no succeeding. I turn to my left and am met with warmth. Too much warmth. I shift back to my original position on my bed and am still not satisfied, so, I turn again to my right to—

"Stop moving, Amu. You're shaking the bed." Ikuto says sleepily. He was staying the night. He says it's better this way since he was probably gonna be visiting me in the morning, too, since he was skipping school for me.

"I can't sleep," I tell him in the dark as I blush furiously. "Your presence is annoying." My statement is partially true, I mean, he's the legit reason why I can't seem to fall asleep right now.

"Is it too hot? Do you want me to turn the air-conditioning up?" He asks, concerned.

"Ikuto, it's December right now." I try to act cool. He was too close for my liking.

"I was just making sure."

"…"

"…Are you…perhaps feeling nervous?" He chuckles. He wraps an arm around me and nuzzles my neck.

"P-pervert! Let go of me!"

"But you're so warm~"

"T-tch." I blush even more.

"Let's go outside," He says as he gets up from the bed.

I glance at the wall clock and see that it's 1 in the morning. "Sure, I'll put on my boots and get my coat."

* * *

><p>Everything was covered in snow. From trees to bushes to monuments to cars parked in the parking lot. It was like seeing the world again for the first time and the world had just offered me a winter wonderland. There weren't any dancing reindeers or talking snowmen and maybe it was a little bit too cold outside but I didn't care. I'd been locked up inside that room for too long enough for me to care.<p>

Ikuto and I could very well have been ninjas in our past life; we got through the nurses and all the security cameras. Since patients weren't allowed – patients from my ward, mostly – to wander off especially past midnight, we had to go into stealth mode.

"'I'm a ninja,'" He breathes.

"What?"

"You're thinking, 'I'm a ninja.' But you're not." He tells me. Okay, maybe I left some parts out. Ikuto was the ninja, Ikuto was the one who got through the nurses and security cameras, Ikuto was the one in stealth mode as he carried me like a sack of potatoes on his back.

"Whatever now put me down."

"Your wish is my command, princess." And he drops me on the snow just like that and I find myself lying on it, seeing the starlit sky as if I was seeing it for the first time.

"That hurt, you—!" He then plops down and lies beside me. "Tch, whatever." I turn my back towards him.

"The stars are lovely, aren't they?"

"You call a lot of things lovely—" Then a thought occurs to me. "Ne, Ikuto…" I turn to lie on my back.

"Hm?"

"What if I weren't as lovely as you thought me to be?"

"I always think you're lovely—"

"Would you still ask me out if I had scars all over my face?"

He takes a deep breath. "Amu," he starts. "When you love someone…nothing else matters. Scars, pimples, weight, cup sizes: none of those are ever supposed to matter. Not even if the person owns an evil cat."

"What're you trying to say, Ikuto?"

"I wouldn't care if you had a shitload of scars on your entire body. I wouldn't care about your cup size or your hair color or your mental health. I'm not supposed to care and even if I wasn't supposed to, I still wouldn't."

"…" There he goes again making long speeches about life and love and me and –

"You know why? Because you made me fall in love with you, not with your physical appearances or anything of that sort. I fell in love with the whole thing, whether you like it or not. So, yes. Yes, I would still ask you out even if you had scars all over your face."

"…Your last statement would've been a good enough answer." I tell him as I blush furiously. I stare at the sky some more to avoid looking at him since I feel so awkward and embarrassed and he's making my heart beat fast like it was the first time I've ever felt like this before.

Maybe it was.

The view of the stars is soon blocked by his face and I see that he is hovering over me.

"What the—"

And he presses his lips gently to mine. Tsukiyomi Ikuto is kissing me and we are on the snow. Who does that? Tsukiyomi Ikuto, apparently.

I feel as if I'm floating, as if I'm grazing fire with my lips. As if I'm in a sea of fluffy cats and their body heat is engulfing me. I feel warmth I've never felt before. Warmth I'm feeling for the first time. Tonight may have felt like I was feeling things, seeing things for the first time when in reality wasn't really the first time.

But I'm sure. I'm sure this feeling Tsukiyomi Ikuto is giving me is something I've never quite felt before.

And it feels nice.

It isn't long before the warmth leaves but I felt as if we were kissing for forever. Forever in the safety of all those cats around me. Forever in the safety of something unknown that shields me from all the bad things in the world.

I'm not quite sure what it is in Tsukiyomi Ikuto's kiss that makes me feel so secure. But I'm willing to find out what it is. I'm willing to take the risk. I'm willing to give him a chance.

But not just yet.

"Is that a good enough answer?" He asks with a serious expression on his face, still hovering over me. What was the question again…? But of course, I'm too embarrassed and flustered to even speak. Still, he continues, "It's technically Wednesday today so I'm going to ask you…"

Here it comes…

"Will you go out with me?"

Still flustered, I turn my head to my right – despite the cold snow hitting my face – so I can avoid having eye contact with him. "I-I'm still thinking about it."

"What's keeping you so long? Please, just please enlighten me. I'm plenty healthy for you, I don't get why you're delaying something that could heal you. Something that could love you and protect you. I see no merit in rejecting me, so why are you prolonging my agony?"

"I—"

"Although," he interrupts. "Although it hurts a little too much, I'll still hold on. Gutters are stony and sharp and it hurts when you hold onto them and you're exactly that."

"Is that supposed to help—"

"Maybe I'm not good enough for you?"

"Why are you asking so many questions all of the sudden?"

"You'll never know what'll happen, Amu. Lightning can strike and probably kill me or something or maybe some lunatic would come in here with a grenade. If that does happen, then I would've never gotten the chance to go out with you or even kiss you…that's why I'm asking so many questions, Amu. That's why I want to do things now," he takes a deep breath. "Because we might not be able to do it tomorrow or the next day or the next day or the next day."

"…"

"I want to do it while we still can. Answer me honestly, Amu. Do you want to kill yourself?"

"… "

"So let's say you do kill yourself – which I'm hoping would never in a million years happen – and you'd just leave me here only having been your friend when we could've obviously been more?"

"I don't get where this going—"

"Why are you wasting your life away, Amu?"

I sit up and he's forced to quit the hovering and sits in front of me. "Trust me when I say I do things for the best. Please…just try to understand for now." I stand up and walk back to the hospital, leaving my warmth in the snow.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday, December 9, 9:36 a.m.<strong>

I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling. My room was dimly lit so maybe it was already morning outside. I look over to the wall clock and see that it's a little after 9:30 and something catches my eye. Or someone, rather.

"Sanjo-kun?"

He sets the book he was reading on his lap and adjusts his glasses, still seated. "'Look after her or I'll kill you.'"

"Um, good morning?"

"Your, um, friend Tsukiyomi Ikuto-kun's parting words. He woke me up so I could look after you. He said something about buying stuff from the grocery." He says nervously.

"Really?" I grit my teeth. Ikuto could be so insensitive at times. "I'm sorry for all the trouble, Sanjo-kun. You can go now." I try to smile at him.

"It's alright. Your room seems to be a lot more peaceful than mine considering it's at the end of the corridor."

"You can come here whenever you please," I assure him.

"Th-Thanks."

"Sanjo-kun, do you think I'm wasting my life away?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Nevermind."

Nurse Akane then pokes her head by the door, "Ah, Amu-san, you're finally awake! Your parents have been waiting for you." All the blood from my face is drained and I have the sudden urge to kill myself. "And as for Sanjo-kun, Dr. Otonashi is waiting for you."

He stands up and leaves the room but not before bowing and saying, "Excuse me."

Nurse Akane giggles. "Such a fine, polite boy. Anyway, your parents are ready to see you now."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU SLEPT WITH HER?" I hear my mom's voice.

"Hinamori-san, please calm down—" I hear Dr. Aruto. What was happening outside?

"You!" She shouts. "It's your entire fault! You scumbag of a father, sleeping with our daughter while I was away!"

"WHAT DID YOU EXPECT, MIDORI?"

"I EXPECTED YOU TO BECOME A FATHER, NOT A MOLESTER!"

Oh, god. Please don't tell me this is actually happening. I feel nervous and my heart is beating fast, this is it. This is finally it. Everything is falling apart again, and it's my entire fault. Dr. Autro barges into the room, "Amu, are you—"

And from behind him, my mother rushes in looking as ballistic as ever. "You! You, you, you! YOU WHORE OF A CHILD!" She rushes to my bed, "You ruined everything! You ruined my life!" She leans over the bed. "I'M GOING TO STRANGLE YOU."

So she strangles me.

**Ikuto's POV**

_Bzzzzzzt. Bzzzzt. Bzzzzzzt. Bzzzzt. Bzzz—_

"Hello?" I answer my phone.

"Ikuto," dad breathes. His voices sound panicky and out of breath.

"Dad? What's wrong? Is everything alright?"

"It's Amu. She's in the operating room." He says calmly now. "I need you to stay calm and listen to what I'm going to say, Ikuto."

"I'm listening."

"Her mother found about her father's…misbehavior," he starts.

"What happened?"

"Her mother was furious, more than, even. The poor child was strangled."

I hang up as soon as I hear that and rush to the hospital.

**At the hospital, Wednesday, December 9, 3:27 p.m. (NORMAL POV)**

Tsukiyomi Ikuto was a boy of patience, understanding and good manners. But right now, he wanted to beat the pulp out of the wall he was staring at as he sits down on one of the many chairs outside the operating room. He was furious. As furious as Midori a while ago.

Midori and Tsumugu Hinamori were disgusting people to Ikuto. They were people who weren't ever meant to walk on this earth. But if they hadn't, he never would've met Amu. So there was a tiny, tiny, tiny ounce of him thankful for them for bringing such a lovely person into this world. But tiny ounces aren't much these days.

Ikuto wanted nothing more but for them to disappear off the face of the earth. And fortunately, they were arrested by the police for assault and rape. And only Dr. Aruto would know how that could've happened with such little evidence. But this is Dr. Aruto we're talking about, so there was no problem with having the Hinamori couple taken away for the time being.

Now, what happens to Hinamori Amu?

A doctor comes out from the doubles doors of the operating room and Aruto, Ikuto, Utau, Rima, and Nagihiko all stand up in nervousness. The doctor adjusts his glasses for a while and wipes sweat from his forehead as everyone watches him in anticipation.

"There's good news," the doctor starts and everyone's spirits are lifted immediately. "And also bad news." Perhaps their spirits were lifted too soon. "The good news is that she's alive." Everyone's spirits are soaring now. Rima and Nagihiko hug each other and cry a bit while Utau and Dr. Aruto pat Ikuto's back.

"What's the bad news?" Ikuto asks.

"Ah," the doctor takes a deep breath. "I'm afraid Hinamori-san is unable to speak."

"She doesn't want to speak? Is it trauma?" Utau asks.

"No," the doctor looks glum. "She literally can't speak, lots of damage was done to her throat from the strangle but we managed to fix as much as we can to keep her alive."

"Thank you," Dr. Aruto says for everyone. "When may we see her?"

"The nurses are cleaning her up and will be taking her back to her room in an hour or so." The doctor answers. He nods to everyone and excuses himself as it was time for his break.

Utau jumps up and down. "Ikuto, she's alive!" She shouts as she cries tears of joy.

Rima walks up to Ikuto and tugs on his shirt. He looks down as she says, "We're lucky we still get to keep her."

Everyone agreed in silence.

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><p><strong>Reviews are appreciated :3<strong>


	21. Chapter 21

**Terribly sorry for the delay. Lack of inspiration and too many college entrance exams. This isn't much, I know. But please, do enjoy.**

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><p><strong>Thursday, December 10, 1:00 p.m.<strong>

Tsukiyomi Utau sits on the wooden chair opposite a certain rosette's bed. And on this said bed is our said rosette, asleep. She's probably tired from some activity she'd done the day before. Or maybe she was tired of life that she decided to sleep forever. But that's not the problem here; Hinamori Amu is not in a coma but she would much rather be in one.

One-fourth or maybe even less of her life had she ever felt real love. Platonic nor romantic. Not even once from her best friend, Mashiro Rima, due to her own paranoia and over thinking. So, it's safe to say that our heroine totally has trust issues. But a much better way to word it is to say that our heroine, indeed, is diagnosed with depression.

But we all already know that.

So what has she gotten herself into this time?

Amu starts to stir and Utau takes notice of this. She then starts to panic at how to explain everything to Amu. How would you even begin to explain something such as their predicament? That's right; call Dr. Aruto!

"Dad, come quick. I think she's waking up!"

So Dr. Aruto comes in one of the psychiatric ward's many special rooms to find Amu just about waking up. Both Tsukiyomis watch her carefully, tension in the air. However, Amu is oblivious. When was she not?

After much stretching and thinking half-asleep to herself, Amu finally decides to acknowledge Utau and Dr. Aruto's presence. Seeing their tensed faces and careful eyes, Amu wonders what is going on. So she decides to voice her thoughts.

And she fails to do so.

Because she had lost her voice.

And she's wondering, 'Why can't I hear myself? Have I gone deaf?'

Seeing Amu's worried expression, Dr. Aruto decides that it's the right time to tell her. But he's Dr. Aruto; so he doesn't just drop it like a bomb or drop it like it's hot. He believes that everything is to be done slowly and with thought.

"Amu, I'm sorry this had to happen to you but you can't literally speak. The strangle had done a lot of damage."

So maybe it was better sometimes to do drop it like a bomb. Utau couldn't have thought of a better way to say it, so she kept quiet and gave Amu a pad of paper and a pen to communicate with.

Amu really wanted this whole thing to be a joke but it's like everything was against her. There was no convincing anyone that this was a joke. She, herself, had already proven so (she had tried to talk countless times for a while).

She'd thrashed around, hitting anything within a 1 meter radius and had injured her wrist in the process. Tired, she put a hand to her throat and started sobbing. The pad of paper Utau laid out sat on Amu's lap, drenched in Amu's tears.

Hinamori Amu is mute.

* * *

><p><strong>Ikuto's POV<strong>

People usually skip school because of how much of a lazy ass they're being. Some skip school because they're sick and others skip school to take care of the people who are sick.

I'm lying in the same place where I kissed Amu yesterday; at the hospital's sort of front yard. Everything in my line of vision is white since it's snowing.

So here I am, one of those people who skip school to take care of the one's that skip school due to poor health, lying on the snow as small white flakes drop on my face. A few dozen old ladies passed by mumbling how crazy children like me were—lying on the snow with the possibility of catching a cold. Well, my nose is already red so I think I'm going there anyway.

I take a deep sigh. How do I even begin to explain Hinamori Amu?

She's this girl with bubblegum pink hair and her eyes are wide orbs of honey. You would see her and you'd practically see sweetness oozing out of her. She was like the epitome of all things sugary and pink and frilly and at the same time she wasn't. She was broken inside. All the strings inside her were loose, some cut. Her innocence, tainted. Her wrists, occupied.

So I did what any normal guy would do. I asked her out a couple of times, even gave her some flowers and a little bit of pudding.

I even gave her my first kiss.

But they weren't enough, I think. Even if they were, nothing could've stopped whatever happened that made Amu the way she is today.

Not even me.

"Ikuto!" I hear Utau call out.

Just because I was here for the sick doesn't mean I couldn't be a lazy ass. Besides, I was too depressed to move; the girl I love may or may not be in a coma. '_But you'll feel eternal happiness when she wakes up and you hear her voice.' _Yeah, I'd want that but we can't always have what we want now, can we? The girl I love – she's mute.

Now, back to being a lazy ass, I give out the best response I can muster.

"Hn."

"She's awake."

Forget about being a lazy ass.

"You should have your shit together, Ikuto. Geez, you haven't felt this nervous since you confessed to that senior a few years back."

"I would appreciate it if you would shut up, Utau."

"Yeah, too bad—I don't want to."

I heave a sigh. You know the kind of nervous you get when you want to ask your mom for something? Or maybe the kind of nervous you get before asking someone to prom or maybe even that feeling all over when you really have to pee. I was feeling all those all at the same time. It was a horrible feeling. What if she'd shoo me away? What if she's too sad to want me? What if she's too sad to live or even look at me or—

"Ikuto, breathe." Utau is right. I s_hould _get my shit together. I promised Amu to stay beside her whatever happens, never backing out on her. I was like her homeboy or her dawg or her homey or—

"Ikuto, stop talking to yourself and open the fucking door."

So I do open the door and sure enough Amu is there. She sits on the edge of the bed, listening to my dad talk about her throat and what not. She's startled by the noise the door makes and stares at me like a deer caught in headlights. And I find myself staring right back at her, not moving.

Dad excuses himself and leaves the room, and closes the door. All you can hear is breathing and the heater in the background.

"Hi," I tell her.

And her expression changes immediately. Her face scrunches up and she sniffles and I see that she's crying now. She gets off the bed and runs to me. She's crying into my shirt like the countless times she had. She's hugging me and I'm hugging her back.

There are, so far, two perfect moments in my life. The first perfect moment was when I was kissing Hinamori Amu in the hospital's parking lot. The second perfect moment is happening right now: simply holding her in my arms after a day or two of not seeing or hearing her.

And I find myself crying, too, "I'm so sorry. If I hadn't left you earlier that day then—ah, shit. I'm really sorry. I'll always be here for you, okay?" I sob. It wasn't very manly for me to do so but being manly isn't really relevant right now.

"Please don't hate me," I tell her. She cries more into my shirt. "I'm sorry for bugging you with all those questions, I-I just really love you, I mean—oh, god."

"Amu, I—" She looks up at me so I stop talking. I stare at her and hold her face in my hands, wiping some of her tears. She stands at the tip of her toes, takes my face in her hands and, catching me off guard, and kisses me.

There are now, so far, three perfect moments in my life.

"I love you," I tell her.

She whimpers and cries some more into my shirt. It wasn't the reaction I was hoping for—I wanted her to say it back. But there are things right now that she's incapable of doing; I'm fine with that. Now, I just have to know if she's fine with me.

"I'm sorry," I tell her. "You're probably really tired. I'll leave you to rest." She panics immediately and hurries to her bed where a notepad lies. She scribbles something on it and shoves it to me.

_Please, don't leave, stay with me. _

"A-Alright. But you should really rest."

Her hands are cold as she takes the notepad from me. She writes down, _Lie down with me. _

So I lie on the bed with her, taking in the moment, feeling infinite.

Feeling more than satisfied.

I can say I'm living. I'm breathing, yes. I'm happy, too.

So I take a nap with her. Probably one of the best naps I've ever taken since pre-school. And I dreamt of her. In my dream, she said, "I love you."

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><p><strong>I may not deserve them but reviews are very much appreciated. <strong>


	22. Chapter 22

**I apologize deeply yet again for the two months worth of delay. It took me three books to read and a few school projects for inspiration. I promised to finish this story within the year. Happy holidays, everyone! This will be the last chapter.**

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><p><strong>Thursday, December 24, 3:00 p.m.<strong>

**Amu's POV**

_Hinamori Amu-san, _

_I've been doing fine here at the psychiatric ward and my doctor has promised me that I would be out of this establishment in two weeks or so at most. I am ecstatic though I may not seem so. Moreover, I apologize for this simply unacceptable virtual Christmas card of a gift. I am unable to go into town and get you a much more decent and appropriate token. _

_I also do hope that you are doing fine, if possible, more than. As to your problem (stated in your previous e-mail), I think any way you would like to tell or show Tsukiyomi Ikuto-san of your affection for him would be the perfect way. I wish both for your happiness and Tsukiyomi-san's. _

_As for your moving into a more, may I say, lavish apartment, I think that it's a good change for you to be nearer the Tsukiyomi household and the high school building. _

_I also have heard and watched your parents on television. I think 24 years in prison and a restraining order after parole will do you justice. I also do hope that your sister Ami will be doing fine with your Aunt Miki. _

_I bid you the happiest of holidays and more to come._

_Sanjo Kairi_

I find myself smiling as I finish reading Kairi's e-mail from my iPad, an early Christmas gift from Utau. I rub my sock clad feet together and snuggle into my blanket on the couch near the fireplace. I was able to buy this cute little loft apartment with my bank account that my parents had secretly kept loaded and I could say that I'm happy and healthy now. More than, if possible.

Everything that has happened so far – losing my voice, the quite frightful experience with my mother, everyone's (especially Ikuto's) sad faces and frantic voices, and the shivers down my spine as I heard how long I stayed in the operation room to keep me alive at the very least – has opened my eyes. I've had too many sleepless nights on my hospital bed, with Ikuto sleeping soundly beside me, to think about what I should do with my life finally.

I've said to myself once, twice or more than, even – stop being a pussy. And I've tried countless times to put up with my own shit but I always ended up hurting myself one way or another. I'm doing things for real now, starting afresh; moving into a better apartment with Shinigami-chan, I go to a support group once a week, and get myself even more tea.

My sister Ami has moved back here to Japan with my Aunt Miki and they live further into the city which is an hour at most by train. They visit me sometimes. And surprisingly, Shinigami-chan and Ami get along. They're spending Christmas with me here tomorrow. Sometimes, Ami forgets that I can't speak and she's apologizes for it as soon as she can and as soon she does, I use this application on the iPad that allows me to either type or draw what I need and want to say. She thinks my disability to speak is something to be sad about. She's too cute, too innocent.

But I want to tell her, in my own voice and words, that the things you gain from every experience is something you should cherish and be thankful for; that things happen for a reason and most of the times it's for a good reason, for your own good.

Cutting had cost me my voice. The cutting stop.

I get up from the couch and straighten out my sweater dress, also adjusting my tights. I made my way to the kitchen where the chicken was cooking in the pressure cooker. I open the fridge and see that the salad, mashed potatoes, cake and Christmas cookies were doing just about fine. And just out of paranoia, I checked on everything else again before the Tsukiyomis came over for Christmas Eve dinner.

You would think that handling a mute girl straight out of the psychiatric ward would be a hassle or a lot of trouble for one to handle. But Utau was most of the time more of a hassle than I was supposed to be. That girl was just all over the place. I'd found out after a day of shopping with her that the reason why we actually did go shopping was because she was cleaning out my closet while I was at the hospital. The only articles of clothing that had survived the wrath called Utau were a few tights and some never been used skirts. She's paid half of my purchases since I had some cash to spend from my 'new' bank account. She paid half because, according to her, "I'm Utau, that's why."

Dr. Tsukiyomi had spent quite a lot of time at the psychiatric ward with Suu-san from food therapy. I don't even want to talk about it.

The Tsukiyomis could have practically adopted me. But Ikuto and I've been caught making out quite a few times for the idea of adoption to even sound practical. I can say that he and I are getting along _really_ _well_. And both of us have changed in some way, a good way, I hope. But you just sometimes can't help but feel like a pussy. Sure we've been making out quite a few times and footsie was just that good of a game to not play but I haven't really exactly told Ikuto how I truly felt about him. That's the problem, I was too late. I'd gotten into loads of crazy shit that I wasn't literally physically able to tell him that I love him.

_Ding. _

So here I am, slightly panicking as I catch myself almost getting lost into my thoughts, relieved that I heard the doorbell ring. I run over to open it to come face to face with the Tsukiyomis.

"Merry Christmas!" Dr. Tsukiyomi and Utau greet in unison. Ikuto's by the side, smiling gently at me. I give them a wide grin and open the door wider to let them in. They enter and Ikuto grabs my hand as soon as he passes me, "We're heading out to the balcony for while, I have to give her my gift."

"Yes, Ikuto," Utau teases. "Please do go give her your gift that you really have to give in _private_ while I go set up the table." Ikuto rolls his eyes and he leads me to the small balcony on the other side of the room.

Once we got there, we didn't speak. We look around (we were a good 6 stories high) and see the wide roads that lead to the city are empty. It starts to snow lightly and I look up the sky to watch the flakes fall. Ikuto grips my hand harder and I look up at him because of this.

He starts to say something but Utau interrupts us, "Here, " her head pops out from the tinted sliding doors. "I think you forgot something." She winks at me and hands me over the paper bag I used to put in my Christmas gift for Ikuto. I bow my head at Utau to say thanks and she leaves us to go back to the kitchen.

"You go first," he breathes. I stare at him for a while and stretch my arms out at him, both my hands on the paper bag, like an offering. He takes the bag, our fingers brushing in the process, and he takes out a maroon sweater from it. I take out the (ever convenient) mini tablet and stylus from my pocket and write on it.

_Now we have the same sweater, _I wrote down. _It's kinda cheesy but I knitted it myself and I don't know, I'll just make it up to you when – _

I am startled as he starts to strip the sweater he's currently wearing and puts on my gift for him. "I love it," he says as he looks down at his new sweater. "Thank you," he looks back up at me. He closes the distance between us and holds me close to him as he kisses the top of my head. I'm disappointed as he let's go. He fishes a box from his pocket and retrieves a silver chain from it. The chain itself was beautiful, almost white like it had been frozen in an icicle or something. And now I see, dangling from the chain was a small coin sized sapphire gem.

"This is for you," he starts. "I thought sapphire would be great since it's your birthstone." He gestures for me to turn around so he can put the necklace on me. His hands are warm on my neck as he locks the necklace in place and I turn back around to face him. Then I stare back down at the object hanging from my neck.

It was so _beautiful_.

"Plus," his breath fogs. "You look so much more beautiful in it."

I take a step toward him, and another, and another. I stand on my tiptoes and take his face in my hands. He leans in to make things easier for me and I press my lips to his.

_I think any way you would like to tell or show Tsukiyomi Ikuto-san of your affection for him would be the perfect way._

"I love you," he tells me as he kisses me on the forehead. "I love you so much."

Tsukiyomi Ikuto is the gutter I hold on to. It hurt to hold on to him at first but then I sank. Sank down deep into the water and I've been trying my best to swim back up to the top. There were times when I was drowning and there were times when my finger tips were so close to the surface that I could only just reach out to it.

I love him, and although he doesn't exactly know it, I can count on myself to as much as possible make him feel it. I don't exactly know how in the world I was going to tell him I love him for the first time. But I'm sure I'll find a way. After all, love always finds a way, right?

I'm Hinamori Amu, your average 'trying-to-get-over-herself' type of girl and Tsukiyomi Ikuto is the gutter I hold on to.

Who's yours?

**End**

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><p><strong>I would like to thank everyone who has been with me from the beginning of this story. I am truly happy, really. This is the first "decent" story I've finished. I love all my readers so much. Thank you again, so, so much. And I hope you find your gutter to hold on to.<strong>


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